Happy Anniversary
by Scarlett88
Summary: Sue Ellen Ewing was brought up to be a proper Texas lady. Yet after marrying into one of the wealthiest families in Dallas, she finds herself alone and unsure of herself. Reviews are always welcome, they help writers grow.
1. Chapter 1: Two Lovers Meet

"Well, the power is out," Miss Ellie noted as the women of Southfork gathered into the living room. The room was dark and empty, hollow and gloomy, so unlike the evenings when the Ewing family would gather together after dinner and have an evening drink. Normally, the room was filled with excitement as the family gathered to talk about the day's events. Jock would regale the family with tales of his wildcatting days as JR and Bobby took a well-deserved break from the office at Ewing Oil. But tonight was very different. Bobby was in Washington for a conference, Jock had a business deal in Austin and no one knew where JR was that night. Sue Ellen had a feeling, a very painful feeling about his whereabouts, but she didn't dare say anything aloud.

"Sue Ellen," Miss Ellie's gentle but firm voice startled the Texas beauty.

"Yes, Miss Ellie?"

"Are you alright?" The elderly woman loved her two daughters-in-law very much. They were both so different. Sue Ellen was so poised and graceful, a true lady if there ever was one. She was always so polished and put together; no one knew the fears that plagued her each night. No, Sue Ellen was a brilliant actress, she knew how to wear a mask very well and she was never perceived as anything but fabulous. But deep down, Miss Ellie knew of her struggles. Her loneliness. Her drinking. Her desire to be loved by a man that only saw her as a possession, an ornament.

"I'm just fine, Miss Ellie. I suppose I was just thinking about the blackout." Sue Ellen turned to Miss Pamela Ewing, the newest woman of Southfork. Pam had been a resident for over two years, but she still felt out of place among the powerful Ewing clan.

Yes, Pam had problems of her own, but she had more trouble hiding them then Sue Ellen. Pam never felt happy on the big, sprawling Texas ranch. She felt intimidated and unwelcome by JR, Sue Ellen's often-absent husband. He had done everything he could to split Bobby and her up, but he never succeeded. Bobby Ewing loved his wife very much and Pam knew this. But lately, the marriage was hitting more and more rough spots.

Pam said goodbye to Digger Barnes, the man that loved her, even though she was never truly his daughter. Pam didn't know her real father or mother, Rebecca Wentworth. She had left Cliff and Pam right after Pam was born. But the strongest blow had been the second miscarriage. Pam desperately wanted to give Bobby a baby, she didn't care whether it was a boy or not, any child would do. Pam did the very best she could to be happy for Sue Ellen when she became pregnant with John Ross. Sue Ellen knew the pain of not being able to have a child, and she had no intention of making Sue Ellen feel guilty for providing another Ewing when she couldn't. But then the oddest thing happened: Sue Ellen ignored her firstborn son. For the longest time, John Ross was her child. Sue Ellen never paid him any attention, shipping him off on the nurse. But lately, Sue Ellen became maternal, and while Pam was happy that her sister-in-law could finally love her son, she was unhappy and felt bereft, like she had lost another child.

Pam was biting more than she could chew, and it was now starting to show. Pam couldn't escape her problems, and Southfork wasn't helping. Lately Bobby had been spending more time away, working with his brother and father at the office. Pam would

never deny Bobby the family company, Ewing Oil, but her marriage was starting to take a backseat to work, something that Bobby promised would never happen. But Pam couldn't blame him, she wasn't very much of a wife lately, and Bobby needed an escape. Better the company then women. Pam knew her husband would never cheat on her. That much she knew.

"I've got some candles," young Lucy Ewing called out from behind the kitchen door. She flounced in with her carefree charm. Lucy seemed like she didn't have a care in the world. She never was one to take on responsibility. College wasn't important to her; she was breezing through her freshman year at SMU. Lucy always seemed to lack direction, yet out of all the Southfork women, she seemed the happiest.

The women quickly set to work, placing the candles throughout the room. It was the only source of light the women had. Teresa and Raul were off for the night, so it was just them. The room seemed to be filled with fairies, little spots of light that shone in the room and highlighted the faces of the inhabitants.

"You know we haven't all sat down and talked in a very long time," Miss Ellie mused as she grabbed a seat in her chair. Lucy was sprawled on the floor, starting up the fireplace. Sue Ellen primly looked out the window, searching for something that she knew she wouldn't find. What she wanted was a drink. It wasn't the taste that attracted her the most. No, it was the sense of power that she felt with each sip; it became her comfort and her solace, something she could turn to when she couldn't talk to anyone. On some days, it was the only thing that saved her from ending it all.

But Sue Ellen vowed that she would never drink again. She had a son to think about, and she was determined to be the best mother in all of Texas. _Good mothers are sober, and John Ross has been through enough in his life and needs stability._

But it was more than John Ross. JR wanted her to drink, he wanted her to fail. To see her fall on her face and disgrace herself. It would be the perfect excuse to once again send her to a sanitarium. It was a hellish place, and almost cost her life as well as John Ross'. No Sue Ellen would find happiness somewhere else: with her son.

Pam sat on the piano bench, running her fingers over the smooth, pure keys. They were exquisite, unaltered, and uniform. Pam was too sullen to notice the contrast between her own life and the black and white object.

"Pam, how are things at the Store?" Miss Ellie was the first to break the silence.

"Wonderful, Miss Ellie." Pam didn't bother to look up from the piano. It hurt her to lie to Miss Ellie; she was the first member of the Ewing clan to welcome her after Bobby impulsively married her. The truth was too painful, even for her: Pam was spending more time away from the Store, and when she was there, her heart and mind were elsewhere. She didn't have the drive and purpose to work the way she once did. The shop had lost so much of its meaning over the past several months. Pam just didn't care anymore.

"SMU is having a formal and I would love to come by the shop and check out dresses," Lucy smiled. She loved the thought of another college party, even if it was a formal event.

"But you have so many Lucy," Miss Ellie remarked with a laugh.

"Well I have to represent the Ewing name," Lucy joked. "We Ewings need to look our best, don't we Sue Ellen?" The pair of blue eyes glanced into Sue Ellen's hazel ones.

"Of course," Sue Ellen let out a gentle smile at her niece. Lucy had blossomed from her high school pettiness into a young lady. Sue Ellen remembered how difficult Lucy had been for the family, though she had every right to be given her upbringing. Her parents left her when she was young, and she was raised by Ellie and Jock, forced to live with the man who stopped at nothing to destroy her father: her 'loving husband' JR. Just recently, Gary and Valene were married in a small ceremony, and since then, Lucy seemed to have changed from her bratty ways.

"Stop by next week." Pam finally spoke after minutes of silence. "Liz and I will fix you up."

The candles in the room provided an intimacy that was often sacrificed when the entire family gathered. Sue Ellen prayed that the blackout would end. Her eyes moved down to her wedding ring, which flicked in the candlelight. The scene could be described as romantic, but to Sue Ellen it was depressing. Her thoughts drifted towards her husband.

Did he love her? In the beginning, Sue Ellen thought he did. Their courtship was the best time of her life. Why JR chose her, Sue Ellen could never figure out. She came from a poor family, just her mother and Kristin, and had nothing to offer a man except her brilliant looks. Sue Ellen was the proclaimed beauty queen at Texas University, loved by all. When JR showed interest in her, Sue Ellen felt like she was living the life of a fairytale: the dashing prince picking up the ordinary girl and whisking her away to his castle. Yes, JR was the most attractive man Sue Ellen met, a fact that was still true today. His eyes were what Sue Ellen first fell in love with, always full of secrets and thoughts that no one knew. Women everywhere coveted him, but he still wound up choosing her. During the courtship, he was attentive, caring, compassionate, and generous. He loved spoiling her, and she loved being spoiled by him.

Yet those very memories haunted her on the nights when JR was away, most likely with another woman. JR had a list of mistresses a mile long, and he made no secret about it. It was as though he didn't care for her feelings anymore. Sue Ellen was his wife, but she was not the love of his life.

The woman thought of leaving him dozens of times. But when it came down to it, she didn't believe she was strong enough to leave him; Sue Ellen had never lived alone before. She went straight from her home to the sorority house to Southfork without looking back. Could she make it without a man in her life?

And what about John Ross? He was her son, the only thing holding her together. She could never win custody of him in court; JR showed her that right away. He would paint her as a drunken woman, an unfit mother, and Sue Ellen would lose the one person she cared about the most. No, John Ross was worth staying with her husband. No matter how abusively cruel he was to her, he could never take away the love she felt for her son.

Sue Ellen looked up from her diamond wedding ring. Miss Ellie was talking to Lucy about the latest fashions, something that Sue Ellen was usually interested in, but not tonight.

"Sue Ellen?" Miss Ellie's voice broke Sue Ellen's thoughts.

"Yes, Miss Ellie?"

"Are you ready for the DOA meeting next week?"

The very mention of the Daughters of the Alamo made Mrs. Ewing smile. Sue Ellen loved those meetings. She was the current president and came back to her title with a vengeance after a rocky past several months. While she was pregnant with John Ross, Sue Ellen was at the peak of her of her drinking and was asked to temporarily step down as president. Now she was ready to take on her role and do it well. Sue Ellen loved being the center of the group, adored by all the members, and now Sue Ellen had to prove herself worthy, but she didn't mind. She would show everyone what a wonderful and poised woman she could be.

"I'm glad to be back as president, Miss Ellie."

"So am I, Sue Ellen. I'm sure you'll do very well."

"I intend to. I disappointed a lot of people in the past several months."

"That's all it is, Sue Ellen, in the past. You need to move forward with your leadership and be ready for the new challenges."

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be Miss Ellie." Sue Ellen was confident that she could make up for lost time. After all, when Sue Ellen was at her very best, she sparkled and shined for everyone. It was what her mother had raised her to do: please people and relish in the spotlight, to be the perfect wife for the lucky man that she would call husband. Her mother said that he would love her unconditionally. She was wrong.

"Would you like to join us Pamela? Everyone is dying to meet you, and it would be a wonderful way to be introduced into Dallas society."

Sue Ellen glanced at her sister-in-law and saw what she believed was unhappiness. The two women apparently had more in common than just the Ewing name. Come to think of it, they had plenty in common. They both came from poor families and were outsiders in the world of the Ewings. 'Ewing by marriage' was how Sue Ellen saw it, and how JR saw it, always reminding her that she was not a 'true Ewing' and could be easily disposed of at a moments notice. Both women knew the trials of being married to Ewing men. _Even perfect Bobby proved to make a poor husband,_ Sue Ellen mused. She wrote it off as the 'Ewing disease': the Ewing men were horrible with relationships, and the women in them were doomed to suffer. Somehow, it made Sue Ellen feel better, knowing that Bobby was not husband material. Now she felt she could truly blame the Ewing brothers and not herself for her shame of a marriage.

If Sue Ellen and Pam had so much in common, then why did Sue Ellen hate Pam the way she did. Hate was all that Sue Ellen could feel for the innocent beauty as she moved onto the ranch with Bobby. Maybe it was the fact that she may deliver a Ewing heir before she did. Oh how unhappy Sue Ellen was before John Ross. She felt so much pressure from everyone around her to have a baby. Adoption was out of the question, Sue Ellen tried using the black market, but she was foiled by JR, who told her that the child had to be 'theirs and no one else's'. Yes, Sue Ellen was depressed and unhappy. She knew the reason that there was no child was because of her husband's lack of interest in her. Sue Ellen did whatever she could to make herself available, but JR rejected her and lashed out at her.

One day, Sue Ellen became pregnant, only to discover that she had no idea who the father was. Her recent affair with JR's enemy, and Pam's brother, Cliff Barnes, had come to haunt her. The pregnancy marked her dark period, the drinking, the yelling, the doubts, the threats, the hitting. JR struck her when she told him that she had been just as faithful to their marriage as he had been. He had never hit her before, and never again since then, but Sue Ellen would never forget that moment. All she wanted to do was get back at him, so she told him the child might not be his when he began to doubt her loyalty to him. Their relationship was at its lowest. Sue Ellen was sinking, and JR didn't give a damn. As long as he got his child, that was all that mattered.

After everything that happened, Sue Ellen felt compassion for her sister-in-law; she knew exactly how the young bride was feeling. No words needed to be shared. The two had a special bond that Sue Ellen never bothered to notice until recently. She could have an ally in the family if she only accepted her. The years of hate seemed pointless now. Sue Ellen had been surrounded by so much of it from her husband; it seemed that she was unable to love anyone, even her own son.

The first few months with John Ross were a nightmare. She knew that he was JR's from the moment she saw him, it was in the eyes. But JR refused to believe that John Ross was his child. He wouldn't touch him. Sue Ellen was afraid to love John Ross; she had been burned by love so many times. And that was how John Ross grew up without the love of his parents. After the paternity test, JR was thrilled to discover that John Ross was his son. After that, their relationship changed. JR couldn't get enough of his little boy, he loved him very much. It hurt Sue Ellen to see JR bestow such love on their child when he had none for her. Finally, Sue Ellen herself was able to love her son, after months of sessions with her psychiatrist Dr. Simon Elby, who she was still seeing. Now John Ross had two parents that loved him, but held contempt for each other.

Sue Ellen saw how hurt Pam was when Sue Ellen came to her son for the first time. It was as though Pam was losing a child. John Ross truly had been hers in the beginning, and now he had been taken away, and Pam had nothing to replace him with. This sparked love in Sue Ellen, who knew that what Pam needed was love. The love of a child, the love of parents that she never knew, the love of her husband, who truly did love her, but she was unwilling to accept it.

"Pamela, you really should come. There will be a speaker from Fort Worth talking about the Home for Lost Children." The Home for Lost Children was an orphanage, which drew Sue Ellen's attention. She wanted to become involved in any way she could, she loved the cause, and knew what it was like to see children grow up without a home; her son had been an early victim.

Pam looked at the older Mrs. Ewing. "Thank-you but no, Sue Ellen."

Sue Ellen knew that something was troubling Pam, and if the two were alone, then she would ask about it, but not with Lucy and Miss Ellie in the room.

"Do you know what I just realized?" Miss Ellie proclaimed.

"What, Grandma?" Lucy questioned as she twiddled with her long, blonde hair.

"Sue Ellen, your tenth anniversary is this month."

Sue Ellen looked up with a start. She had been so preoccupied over the past few months that she had completely forgotten that she and JR would be husband and wife for ten years this month.

"So it is," Sue Ellen mused, sneaking one more peek at her ring.

Lucy grimaced at the thought of Uncle JR. He always seemed to be the topic of conversation, even when he wasn't around. She hated him more than any other man alive. He caused her parents pain, her pain, Bobby pain, Grandma and Granddaddy pain, Pam pain, and especially Sue Ellen pain. Lucy saw the life Sue Ellen lived and for the longest time, could not respect her for staying with him. She believed that Sue Ellen was shallow and stayed on to be 'Mrs. JR Ewing', and have all of the fine things that went with that illustrious title. But recently, Lucy noticed Sue Ellen's maternal side, when she started caring for John Ross, Lucy saw that Sue Ellen had a heart, and was not just a pretty face, but a mother making the ultimate sacrifice.

"It doesn't seem like ten years." Some days, it felt longer. Sue Ellen met JR when she was twenty years old, at the Miss Texas beauty pageant. She was among thirty women, vying for the title, and he was one of three judges.

"Well I am very excited for both of you," Miss Ellie smiled. "I remember when Jock and I celebrated our tenth anniversary."

"I bet it was wonderful," Lucy said.

"I felt like a young bride again. Your Granddaddy knew how to make me feel special, like I was the only one that mattered. He told me I was the love of his life."

Sue Ellen felt like she was ready to cry. JR had never been that loving towards her during their marriage. After the wedding, he seemed to have drifted away, focusing more on work then her. Sue Ellen was convinced that she had done something unspeakable to offend him. The worst part was when she discovered the other women.

"Bobby said that very same thing to me the day we were married." Pam showed the hint of a smile – the first all day – and wistfully remembered her quickie marriage to Bobby by a Justice of the Peace in New Orleans. They were both so young, so in love. It didn't matter that their families were sworn enemies. As far as Bobby and Pam were concerned, that was not their problem.

Sue Ellen thought of Pam and her marriage to Bobby. On the surface, it seemed like the most unromantic event in the world, but deep down, her wedding to Bobby was one hundred times more precious than hers to JR. The wedding seemed wonderful on the outside – all of Texas came to see John Ross Ewing II get married – but on the inside, the passion and fire was no longer there.

"You know Sue Ellen," Lucy began, "I have never heard the story of how you and JR met."

"Neither have I." Pam perked up and looked at Sue Ellen. "All I know is that you were a contestant in a beauty pageant that JR was judging."

"Did your eyes meet across the platform? Was it love at first sight?"

The last thing Sue Ellen wanted was to rehash the night that she met JR. Right now, she felt as though she would have been better off if they had never met.

"Do tell us the story." Pam urged.

"We don't have anything else to do tonight," Miss Ellie noted.

Sue Ellen didn't know whether it was the room full of candles, or the thought of her pending tenth wedding anniversary, but Sue Ellen slowly relented.

"It will be a long story," Sue Ellen warned.

"I love long stories."

"I'm bored and I need something to keep me occupied," Lucy stated dully, waiting impatiently for another distraction.

"It's unanimous, Sue Ellen, you have no choice," Miss Ellie grinned, gesturing for her to begin her tale.

"Well, if I am going to do this, then I am going to do this properly, and that means starting months before the pageant." Sue Ellen closed her eyes as the memories, both the good and the bad, flooded back to her.

_Sue Ellen Ewing ran to embrace her younger sister Kristin. It had been nearly a month since Sue Ellen had seen her rambunctious little shadow. School always provided a convenient excuse to stay away from her domineering mother, Patricia Shepard. It wasn't that the 20 year old didn't love her mother, but she proved to be very hard to take. College quickly became her sanctuary, she found herself fitting in perfectly with her sorority and had recently been crowned Homecoming Queen, much to her mother's delight, but Sue Ellen was happy as well. She needed to feel the approval of those around her, just the thought of knowing that she was making someone happy made her feel good inside. It was what she grew to depend on. _

_"Sue Ellen, come here and let me take a look at you." Sue Ellen obediently turned to face her mother, finding herself in a somewhat forced embrace. "Have you been eating at school?"_

_"Mother!"_

_"I just want to make sure that my oldest daughter is healthy. I have wonderful news."_

_"I can't wait to hear it," Sue Ellen said quietly, trying to mask her frustration towards the woman who constantly tried to control her life._

_The two women sat in the living room while Kristin went to play in her room. "You'll never believe who I met today."_

_"Who?" Sue Ellen dully asked, searching for more energy._

_"I was eating lunch today and I ran into a wonderful young man…"_

_"Mamma, we talked about you setting me up with men, I don't appreciate it."_

_"Darling, I'm not talking about a college romance. I'm talking about a professional. I met Scott Young, a pageant consultant…"_

_"Mamma!" Sue Ellen felt flustered, knowing exactly where the conversation was going, another beauty pageant for Sue Ellen. She had been in several of them over the years, each one worse than the next. Sue Ellen, with her natural beauty always came out a winner, which pushed her mother to enter her in more pageants._

_"Young lady, don't interrupt me."_

_"Sorry," Sue Ellen said quickly._

_"He was thinking about representing you. All I did was show him a picture. When we do this, we'll have to act quickly, to prepare you. You'll need a proper dress, swimsuit, talent…"_

_"Mamma, I never said I wanted to enter."_

_"Sue Ellen, give it time; the idea will grow on you. I am your mother and I know what's best for you. Besides you always do so well at them, and wouldn't you love to be Miss Texas?"_

"So that was how it happened" Lucy shuddered at the thought of being forced in a beauty contest.

"As usual I said nothing," Sue Ellen said softly. "I never could argue with my mother. She was a formidable woman."

"So you won Miss Dallas and then moved on to Miss Texas," Miss Ellie noted. "I must say I feel terrible for you, being forced into something like that year after year."

Pam said nothing as Sue Ellen continued her tale.

_Sue Ellen found herself amid thirty Texas beauties all locked in the same room as they scurried to get dressed for the final pageant. This was it. There would be a year's worth of touring and promotion for the future Miss Texas. But Sue Ellen couldn't concentrate. Her mind was spinning with different thoughts. She felt so out of place among the other women. Sue Ellen never saw herself as being truly beautiful, though people told her that she was every day. Sue Ellen had no idea what any of them saw in her. She didn't belong here, among these princesses and prima donnas. She was Sue Ellen Shepard, plain and simple._

_She would rather have been with her boyfriend Clint Ogden. Things were becoming more and more difficult for the two lovers. Her mother did whatever she could to keep the two college kids apart. 'He isn't good enough for you' Patricia would tell Sue Ellen. 'Hold out for someone better, someone worthy of you.' Patricia Shepard believed she had found that someone in Billy Frampton. Sue Ellen went with him on a few occasions, but she didn't feel the sparks that she felt when she was with Clint. But Sue Ellen could never be with Clint, her mother would do whatever she could to see that. He was her very first college boyfriend and he would hold a part of her that no one else could have. _

_But Sue Ellen had to grow up, be realistic, she couldn't marry Clint, she couldn't see a future with him beyond college. Sue Ellen didn't want to seem materialistic or shallow, she saw herself as an adult, making a sacrifice, a sacrifice of the heart. She knew this each time she snuck away from class to see him. You couldn't live on love and passion alone, marriage needed a foundation, and there were too many things working against them. There would be other men, wonderful men. Patricia believed that Sue Ellen's perfect match was Billy: his father had oil, coal, uranium, and diamonds. She was already planning the wedding. How nice it would be to have a daughter married into such an accomplished family. To have her daughter have the life that she, herself always wanted, but never found. It was too late for her – she was getting older and life was beginning to pass her by – but not for Sue Ellen and Kristin. _

"She wanted to choose your husband?" Lucy stammered, shocked that a mother would do such a thing.

"If my mom had had her way," Sue Ellen began, "I never would have married JR." Sue Ellen began to wonder if that was such a bad idea. "No disrespect to you, Miss Ellie."

The elderly woman laughed. "I knew how Patricia felt about JR and the Ewing family from the moment I met her."

"She believed that I would be better suited with someone else."

Miss Ellie relit a dying candle. "Your mother had her reasons."

"I never could understand them. I know in my heart that she always loved me, but she has the oddest way of showing it. She wanted what she thought was best for me."

"I think you turned out just fine." Miss Ellie smiled as she touched Sue Ellen's hand. "And I wouldn't change one thing about you."

"Thank-you, Miss Ellie."

"We can't spend all of our lives thinking about the past and how we would change it." Pam finally spoke. Three pairs of eyes turned to her. "What kind of a life would everyone lead, always focusing on ghosts of the past?"

"Wise words from a wise woman," Miss Ellie said, nodding her head. "I believe that everything happens for a reason."

"What about the bad things?" Lucy asked. "Do death and pain happen for a reason?"

"It is when we live through the painful times that we grow to become strong. Life is pain, life is never perfect. This is why we need to focus on the good things that life brings us."

"And try to live with the bad," Sue Ellen finished. Sue Ellen thought of her husband. Was he a mistake? He certainly caused her enough pain to last her a lifetime. Sue Ellen let out a sigh.

"Sue Ellen!" Lucy jumped up, "You didn't finish the story. Tell us about the pageant night."

"Alright," Sue Ellen relented, a tiny bit of Lucy's excitement beginning to rub off on her.

_It was Sue Ellen's turn to step out in front of the thousands of people in the audience for the first time. Sue Ellen didn't care about winning, but she was nervous as anything. All of those eyes locked on her. What she really wanted was to go back to school and be with Clint, forgetting Billy Frampton and her mother and everyone else in Texas._

_Sue Ellen took her first step out on the stage. The lights were so bright that Sue Ellen couldn't see a single thing. 'Just smile' Sue Ellen mused, as she kept her head proudly forward, moving from spot to spot._

_She didn't notice the judge on the left that couldn't take his eyes off of her. He followed her every move until she went behind the curtain, he had to see her again._

"JR simply couldn't stop thinking about you," Miss Ellie remembered as she added more logs to the fire. "The first thing he said when he came back that night was that he had met the most beautiful woman in Texas."

Lucy cringed at the thought of Uncle JR being romantic towards anyone. _My, how times have changed._

Sue Ellen tucked her head down, tears welling in her eyes. She hadn't thought about that night in years. _My, how times have changed_. Here it was, almost ten years, and she was trapped in a loveless marriage, with a man who only treated her with contempt. A tear fell down her cheek.

"Sue Ellen." Miss Ellie reached out to touch Sue Ellen. "Maybe we should all go to sleep."

"It's alright, Miss Ellie." Sue Ellen straightened up. "These memories… I haven't thought about them in so long." Sue Ellen looked at her extended family. "But they weren't bad memories. I loved the night that I met JR; I had won the pageant and my mother's approval."

"And my son's heart."

_Too bad it didn't last, _Sue Ellen thought to herself, playing with a candleholder. "Where was I?"

_The swimsuit competition was next. This could make or break a contestant. Dressed in a black suit, Sue Ellen took one more deep breath before stepping out, front and center. This time she wasn't as nervous as before. With every ounce of confident she could muster, she smiled and waved at the onlookers. This time her eyes stumbled upon one of the judges. He had dark hair and piercing blue eyes. Sue Ellen knew she had seen his face in the papers before, but she could not remember his name. As Sue Ellen turned to go behind the curtain, their eyes locked together. _

_JR saw her again. She was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was worlds apart from the other contestants, she owned the room._

The three women were stunned by Sue Ellen's retelling. The wind blew from the outside as the candles flickered on the faces of the four women.

Each Ewing woman was different from the next. Miss Ellie was the oldest, the undisputed matriarch of the Ewing clan. Her hair had begun to turn grey and her eyes had begun to fade. Her face told stories of wisdom and knowledge, each wrinkle was another truth that was yet to be told. Miss Ellie was strong and capable; she had to be, to keep Southfork with her family for so long. Surviving her brother Garrison, and claiming the land as her own, Miss Ellie was a survivor.

Then there was Sue Ellen. So much could be said about Sue Ellen Ewing. She was the beautiful one, sometimes it was a blessing, but most days, it felt like a curse. Sue Ellen was vulnerable and needy, searching for love and never finding it. Not with her father, who left her after Kristin was born. Not with her mother, who tried to control her daughter's livelihood. Not with Cliff Barnes, who put his career before his affection for her. Not with her husband, who never touched her, and openly disregarded her feelings. These experiences made Sue Ellen wise beyond her years. Over time, she was forced to learn to rely on herself, because other people let her down.

Pamela Jean Barnes Ewing was the newest Ewing member and the naïve member among the women. She retained so much of her innocence – she had only been married to Bobby for a little over two years – and she kept her hopeful nature. This was what was crippling her. Pam didn't know the struggles of living at Southfork, and was grossly unprepared to fight amidst the family. This was what sunk her into depression, her lack of knowledge and inability to deal with her new surroundings.

Lucy was the next generation of Ewings. She was full of potential and promise, giving hope for a bright future. Yet Lucy still acted like a child, not wanting the family responsibility and obligations. At times, she deeply regretted being a Ewing. What would life be like without the expectations, and the rules, and the money, and the power? What would it be like to be normal? Lucy knew all too well of the corruption associated with the Ewing name, and like Sue Ellen, she had been forced to discover harsh realities too soon.

"I thought we could use a snack." Lucy reentered the room, laden with ice cream. "We may as well eat it now, since it will melt without power."

"Always thinking ahead Lucy," Miss Ellie joked, grabbing a spoon.

"None for me Miss Ellie," Sue Ellen said softly. Pam said nothing as she continued to look out the window.

"I'm sure that Bobby is thinking of you too Pam." Miss Ellie knew all too well of the loneliness a wife goes through when her husband is away on a trip, dealing with the pain first hand when Jock went to Europe to fight in World War II. "He'll be home very soon."

"Oh, Miss Ellie," Pam whispered. "I miss him."

"You know he loves you," Sue Ellen reassured. Sue Ellen considered her sister-in-law very lucky to have the love of her husband, and she knew that part of her past resentment towards her was the fact that she did have a husband who loved her very much, the one thing that Sue Ellen wanted more than anything in the world. Pam had unconditional love from a wonderful, honest man. Sue Ellen always knew she had married the wrong Ewing brother, and seeing Bobby interact with Pam broke her heart.

"He's been away more often."

"When he finishes working out his deal, he'll have more time for you," Miss Ellie said. "This is a busy time for the men."

"That's why my husband won't be an oil man," Lucy said confidently.

"Lucy, no matter what your future husband does, work will always be his first priority," Sue Ellen said bitterly.

"Do you really believe that, Sue Ellen?" A hint of anger appeared in the blonde's voice.

"Lucy…"

"Because if you do, then why get married at all? It seems like we'd only be setting ourselves up for heartbreak."

"Lucy that wasn't what I meant."

"Not all marriages are unhappy." Lucy immediately regretted what she said. She had no right to rub Sue Ellen's nose in her poor marriage. "I'm sorry Sue Ellen."

Mrs. J.R. Ewing looked down at the ground. _She's very wise for a nineteen year-old. Maybe she will learn from my mistakes. _"It's quite alright Lucy."

"I believe that there is good in every marriage." Miss Ellie interrupted the silence.

"What about your marriage to Jock?" Sue Ellen countered. "You told me that was a marriage of convenience, to save Southfork."

"I never knew that Miss Ellie," Pam said.

"Well it started out that way," Miss Ellie began, "but it became something so much more than a marriage of convenience. I was deeply in love with Digger," Miss Ellie looked at Pam, "your daddy."

"I remember him talking about you. He loved you very much Miss Ellie."

"But I found him unreliable, not good husband material. I simply could not live my life married to a man that I could not count on. Jock was different. He was dependable and true. Therefore, I offered to marry him, to save Southfork and keep it in my family's name. The Great Depression brought so much turmoil to the ranch; people were out of work, the crops were not producing well, everyone was unhappy. The banks were ready to foreclose on Southfork, but Jock came through." Miss Ellie closed her eyes, remembering her early years as a Ewing wife. "The first few years of our marriage were not easy, Jock was very rough around the edges. But I do not regret marrying him. And I stand by my notion that every marriage has the potential to be a good one."

_If only that were true for me,_ mused Sue Ellen.

"Sue Ellen, will you keep telling your story?" Lucy asked.

_"And the winner of the Miss Texas 1967 is…" The emcee droned on as JR looked straight at the tall brunette in the middle. Her name was Sue Ellen Ewing, and he was determined to find out everything he could about her. He would have Dan Marsh – a favorite private detective of his – start finding out information the next day. She had to be the most breathtaking woman that he had ever met. _

_Sue Ellen wanted desperately to leave the stage and never come back. She didn't belong here with all of the other women. She wanted out._

_"Sue Ellen Ewing!" The crowds rose in thunderous applause as the former Miss Texas 1966 placed a delicate sterling silver crown on Sue Ellen's auburn hair._

"It must have been a wonderful feeling to win," Miss Ellie said.

"You would think so, but it didn't matter to me one way or the other," Sue Ellen laughed. "I was so bored with pageants. Though I have to admit that I was rather disappointed when I wasn't crowned Miss America."

Miss Ellie and Lucy laughed at Sue Ellen as Pam continued her staring out the window.

"So how did you and JR officially meet?" questioned Lucy.

_"Sue Ellen! Sue Ellen!" Little Kristin Shepard ran through hoards of people to find her big sister. She wrapped her arms around her waist. _

_"Kristin Shepard!" The distinct voice of Ms. Patricia Shepard brought Sue Ellen down to earth. "We mustn't ruin Miss Texas' dress." She pulled her daughter away._

_"When I grow up, I'm going to be Miss Texas, just like Sue Ellen."_

_"With proper training you will." The mention of 'proper training' frightened Sue Ellen. Kristin was going to be caught in the same trap that she was._

_"Congratulations, Miss Shepard."_

_Sue Ellen turned around and found herself face to face with the man from the newspaper, the judge._

_"Thank-you Mr…" Sue Ellen was at a loss for words in front of the dark haired stranger._

_"Ewing, John Ross Ewing Jr." He tipped the rim of his Stetson at her. "But everyone calls me JR."_

_"Thank-you Mr. Ewing." Sue Ellen smiled at him, her eyes meeting his._

_"Sue Ellen, there are reporters waiting," Patricia broke the silence._

_"I'm sorry Mr. Ewing, but I'm afraid that there are people waiting for me."_

_"That's alright Miss Shepard." He smiled and took her right hand, bringing it to his lips. "I have a feeling we will meet again."_

_"Maybe we will." Sue Ellen was instantly attracted to his confidence. He seemed like the kind of man that always got what he wanted._

_Their eyes met and neither one wanted to walk away. "Come along, Sue Ellen," Patricia pulled her daughter outside, into the swarm of cameras. _

"That was a wonderful story, Sue Ellen" Miss Ellie noted.

"One of the most romantic that I have ever heard," Lucy admitted, stunned by the fact that her Uncle JR could be so sweet towards a woman.

Sue Ellen took in a deep breath as the power slowly came back to Southfork, illuminating the room. She lowered her eyes, hoping to hide the tears that were forming. Just thinking about JR and the old days made her heart break. _He was so perfect, we could have been so happy_. Sue Ellen struggled to keep her composure; the last thing she wanted was Miss Ellie worrying about her.

"I think that's God's way of telling me that it's time for bed," Miss Ellie joked as she rose. "Goodnight girls."

"Goodnight Miss Ellie," Sue Ellen said, rising from her chair.

"Goodnight Grandma." Lucy stretched as she arose from the floor. "I really did enjoy the story." Lucy wasn't lying; knowing about Sue Ellen and JR's relationship in the beginning helped her to understand them now.

Pam remained seated. Sue Ellen was filled with compassion for the young Mrs. Ewing.

"Pamela," Sue Ellen began, "I know what you're going through."

"I know you do," Pam smiled. "And I don't know how you do it, night after night."

"It takes practice."

"I don't want to get used to it. Bobby promised me that things would be different."

"I'm sure they will be, but my concern is that Bobby isn't the only problem."

"Sue Ellen… don't."

"I can't say that I know what it feels like to have a miscarriage and lose a baby, but I am here for you, if you ever need me."

"I appreciate your concern Sue Ellen, but I've already come to terms with it. I have experience in the area you know, this is my second one." Pam got up without looking at Sue Ellen and went upstairs.

_Denying the problem only makes it worse_, Sue Ellen thought. And she should know, she denied having issues with JR for years, only to have them come and attack her now.

Sue Ellen entered their bedroom, right next to John Ross' and slowly changed into her nightgown, preparing for another night alone. Her eyes glazed over to a photograph of her and JR on their wedding day.

Sue Ellen picked up the picture and slowly traced JR's face. He looked so happy, so proud. But it was all a façade. Sue Ellen wasn't the only one who could put on an act. They did it every night at dinner with the family as he pulled out Sue Ellen's chair. They did it at social functions, when the two portrayed the 'loving couple' that everyone assumed them to be. They did it when they entered the bedroom they shared. That was becoming the most painful. JR slept on one side, her on the other, and they never spoke. It was a sham of a marriage.

Sue Ellen started to weep. _If only I could say that I didn't love him. If only I could be as callous and cold as he is._ But Sue Ellen couldn't deny her feelings for her husband. There was so much she loved about him. His compassion for his daddy, momma, brother Bobby, and especially his son John Ross. Yes, JR loved his family very much. He had a wonderful, strong ambition that made him a legend in Dallas and around the world. He was overflowing with charisma; people – especially women – couldn't help being intrigued by him. JR Ewing had some wonderful qualities.

_Damn you JR Ewing! Damn you for contacting me after the pageant, for pursuing me for two years, for the years of neglect and abuse, the affairs. AND DAMN YOU FOR EVER PROPOSING TO ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!_

Sue Ellen made no effort to hide her tears any longer. She couldn't. These were tears that had been concealed for years, hidden to keep up her image of the happily married wife. But when she was alone, she could let the tears flow freely, and no one would judge her, or pity her, or condemn her.

If JR had no redeeming qualities, it would have been much easier to leave him. But Sue Ellen could never deny her attraction or her love to her husband. How many times had she made an effort to fix the relationship? JR didn't care.

It was the eyes; she first fell in love with his eyes. The blue eyes that met hers backstage at the Miss Texas pageant. They were so mysterious; they held so many deep secrets, secrets that Sue Ellen was dying to discover for herself. And she believed she could. She believed that she could make JR happy, be the perfect wife. It was exactly how her mother raised her. To be the perfect 'Mrs. Somebody'. But one of the things her mother never told her, was what would happen if her husband didn't want her.


	2. Chapter 2: The Perfect Couple

On the other side of Dallas JR Ewing had spent the better part of the evening in a Dallas Hotel with his latest conquest under his arms. She was a redhead, short, and pretty. But he wouldn't remember her name the next morning. He would go back to Southfork and move on with his life, back to Sue Ellen.

Sue Ellen Ewing. JR thought of her all of the time. It was her picture that adorned his desk; no other woman had ever made that mark on his life. She was a beautiful woman, and JR would be the first one to admit it.

So why did he do this to her? Cheat. Humiliate. Insult. Lie. Why couldn't he tell her the truth, that he loved her more than he loved any other woman in the world, excluding his mother. He wanted to apologize for everything, for the ten years that they had wasted together, that they could never get back. He could never erase the pain that he caused her. So why did he keep doing it to her and to himself?

Morning came all too quickly for JR. He got up and left the woman in bed as he headed back to the ranch, to start another new day.

JR entered the house, hoping not to run into anyone. He was simply not in a talking mood and would rather be left alone. The sun peaked out of his bedroom balcony, highlighting the features, including a sleeping Sue Ellen. A sleeping Sue Ellen who was cradling their wedding photo in her arms. Her eyes were red from a night of crying, and JR knew the reason. He lovingly stroked her forehead as he placed a gentle kiss on her temple. _You will never know how much I love you_. _But I'm not the marrying kind, __Darlin';__ my biggest mistake must have been proposing to you in the first place._

The words felt true to JR. He felt like he was not the marrying kind, which some men truly weren't. It wasn't his fault or her fault. The truth was that he had felt pressured by his parents to find a wife and start producing a Ewing heir. So JR started to look for an ideal wife, and he believed that he found the ideal woman in Sue Ellen Shepard. She was beautiful, charming, intelligent, and a perfect lady. She would make an ideal wife for anyone.

Too much had happened between the two. Too many lies, manipulations, scandals, and affairs. Affairs on both sides. JR was devastated when he discovered that Sue Ellen was having an affair with his archenemy Cliff Barnes. And the child she was carrying could have been his!

And then came the drinking. JR knew that he encouraged her to drink, practically throwing a glass of vodka at her. He knew her weakness, and he used it against her, nearly destroying her and their unborn child.

Sending Sue Ellen to the sanitarium was difficult for JR. He had pushed her too far, and now she was hurt, and so was he. When Sue Ellen escaped and got in an accident, JR did not think about his newborn son, but it was his wife Sue Ellen that he stayed with. He cried tears over her, in the hospital bed. And JR rarely cried, but he truly thought that Sue Ellen would be lost forever.

JR thought that they would get a second chance when Sue Ellen pulled out in one piece, but she turned away from him. He tried to be loving, sympathetic, passionate, patient, and attentive, but Sue Ellen rejected him. She had another affair, this time with a cowboy named Dusty Farlow. He believed that she would have taken his son and run away with him to Dusty, but he died in an airplane accident.

No JR was not the only one to blame for their marital problems, but JR knew that he had done more than his share of the hurting.

Sue Ellen slowly stirred, opening her eyes, and having them fall on her 'loving husband' as he picked out a morning tie. Sue Ellen got up without saying a word.

"Morning, Darlin'", JR called, receiving no response. "How was your evening?"

"Fine." Sue Ellen entered, wearing a bathrobe as she tended to her makeup, refusing to meet her husband's hypnotic blue eyes.

"Hope you the others were alright during that power outage."

"How very sweet of you to care," Sue Ellen replied, dripping with sarcasm.

Mornings like this made it difficult to love Sue Ellen. On the days when JR made an effort to be kind to her, she rebuffed him. And he was getting sick of it.

Sue Ellen reentered, fully dressed and ready. "And how was your evening, Darling. Hope you weren't too lonely last night."

"Sue Ellen!"

"Yes, my love?" She got such a thrill from challenging him. She was no longer the doormat she once was. She had learned after years of experience, how to fight JR Ewing. She could hit and hurt almost as well as he could, and she was still learning.

"Don't you think it's a little early in the morning to start causing a scene?"

"I was fine until you came home." Sue Ellen walked out for breakfast. The anger from last night lingered on, just in time for breakfast.

"Good morning, Miss Ellie, Sue Ellen said as she took her seat.

"Beautiful morning isn't it, Sue Ellen," Miss Ellie said.

"Just wonderful, Mamma," JR said as he took his seat next to Sue Ellen, neither one showing any sign of the argument they had earlier.

"JR, I didn't hear you come in last night."

"Oh he came in very early this morning," Sue Ellen said.

JR glared at his wife. "I had a late business meeting and I stayed at the hotel, traffic was terrible."

"Well I hope you weren't too lonely last night," Miss Ellie said.

"Oh don't worry Miss Ellie, I bet JR felt very satisfied after his_ business meeting_."

JR had had enough. "I'm late for work." He gave Sue Ellen a cursory kiss on the cheek. "I'll be home tonight."

"I'll be looking forward to it," Sue Ellen said with a hint of sarcasm that only they could detect.

Sue Ellen watched her husband walk away.

"Sue Ellen?" Miss Ellie's voice brought her back to the table.

"Yes, Miss Ellie?"

"I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I am very happy to have you as a daughter-in-law."

"Thank-you, Miss Ellie."

"You have come such a long way these past few months."

"I have finally stopped drinking."

"It must have been difficult."

"I realized that I couldn't let anything or anyone hold that kind of power over me. I have responsibilities to live up to."

"Like John Ross."

"Miss Ellie, I regret those first few months, I completely ignored him."

"You didn't mean to. You weren't yourself. Now you are better than ever. You have risen above your dark period and have come out a winner."

"Me? A winner?" Sue Ellen laughed.

"I know what you've been through since you moved here." Sue Ellen gazed in awe at Miss Ellie, the elderly matriarch missed nothing. "You have put up with more than your share of pain."

"Well, it's been ten years; I've grown used to everything."

"It takes a strong woman to be with my JR. He hasn't always been the easiest person to love. I think that anyone else would have left him."

"We all have our faults." Sue Ellen was surprised that she was defending the very man that she had been sparring with earlier. "But deep down, JR is a good person."

"It takes a special person to see that."

"It's like you said last night, Miss Ellie. Every marriage has the potential to be a good one. And JR and I have had some wonderful moments and done wonderful things."

"You have John Ross."

"My precious son."

"He looks just like his daddy."

"It's uncanny."

"Sometimes, I still can't believe you two have been married almost a decade. I remember the first time I met you."

"I was so nervous, so shy. You would never notice, but I don't always enjoy meeting new people."

"You cover it well, Sue Ellen. I liked you from the first time I saw you, and so did Jock. I saw everything that JR saw. And I couldn't imagine a more perfect woman for my firstborn."

Sue Ellen grew very quiet.

"Even during the bad times," Miss Ellie continued, "I have faith that you two will come out whole in the end."

_You have more faith then I do__ Miss Ellie,_ Sue Ellen thought.

"And I know that your marriage hasn't been perfect, but I still believe that you two are truly meant for one another. It isn't easy, finding your other half, and some people go their entire lives without finding them, but you and JR complement each other in such an ingenious way. You bring out the best in him."

"Thank-you Miss Ellie." Sue Ellen got up from the table.

"What are you going to do today?"

"Well, I thought about going shopping, checking out the spring fashions before they come out. Would you like to join me?"

"No thank-you, Sue Ellen."

At his office in the business district of Dallas, JR entered the Ewing building to find his father already waiting for him.

"How was the meeting, JR?" Jock Ewing's booming voice filled the room.

"Just fine, daddy. Everything is working out like clockwork."

"That's my boy. Just like me when I was your age."

JR beamed, he loved receiving his father's praises, they were few and infrequent, but when they came, he was in heaven. Sitting down in his chair once again his eyes stumbled upon Sue Ellen's picture. This one was taken six months ago, at a Ewing Barbeque. She was as beautiful as the day they first met. He wanted to call her, to hear her voice and apologize for that morning.

"Hello?"

"Hello Mamma, is Sue Ellen home?"

"Oh I'm sorry JR; she just left a few minutes ago. Do you want me to tell you she called?"

"I'll see her at dinner, Mamma."

"Goodbye JR."

Putting down the receiver, JR remembered the second time he met Sue Ellen Ewing.

_Dan__, are you positive about this?"_

_"Yes sir, JR, Miss __Shepard__ goes to read in the Dallas Memorial Park every Sunday afternoon at 2:00."_

_"Excellent. Thank you __Dan_

_JR Ewing couldn't concentrate on his work. All he could think of was the winner of the Miss Texas pageant – Sue Ellen Ewing. Over the past week, he had learned a great deal about the young lady and her family. Her father was a drunk, and left her mother Patricia with two daughters, Sue Ellen and __Kristin__. Patricia was a middle class woman who was able to provide a nice home for her girls. Sue Ellen was a sophomore at the University of Texas and enjoyed French and cooking. She was also frequently seeing another man, a Mr. Billy Frampton, another family dynasty. But JR always got what he wanted, and no would get in the way._

_Sue Ellen picked up her latest book from the library as she went to one of her favorite places in Texas, the Dallas Memorial Park. This was her happy place, where she could be alone, away from school, and her mother, and men. Sue Ellen ended it with Clint; he knew that the two had no future. They were different people destined to live different lives. Clint was going to be transferring overseas to join the army, hoping to pay off the rest of his college __education. The farewell was painful but necessary, the two would be better off apart. They promised that they would keep in touch, even though neither one of them meant it._

_Sue Ellen found herself seeing more of Billy, twice a week they would go out. Sue Ellen went to some of the most fascinating places with Billy, places that a middleclass girl like her never dreamed of. So Sue Ellen decided to dedicate herself to being happy with Billy and finding some kind of chemistry. She always had a wonderful time seeing the highlights of Texas with him, but there were no sparks like there was with Clint, no passion._

_Sue Ellen sat down on her bench, her nose in her book, not noticing the eyes watching her._

_"Hello Miss __Shepard_

_Sue Ellen looked up to find the man from the pageant. "Mr. Ewing." Sue Ellen stood up, in awe of the man before her. "How nice to see you again."_

_"Please call me JR."_

_"Well JR, then you'll have to call me Sue Ellen." The two sat down._

_"Well Sue Ellen, how have you been since your big win?"_

_"Very busy. I've been discussing touring the country, making speeches."_

_"The perfect woman for the job. You were the best of all the contestants."_

_"Thank you." Sue Ellen looked down, her cheeks reddening. She felt something very wonderful with this man, this man that she only met twice._

_"Do you come here often?"_

_"Every week, it's where I can get away from everything."_

_"And just have some time for yourself."_

_"You understand me very well Mr. Ewing."_

_JR took her hand in his. Normally, Sue Ellen would pull away from him, and not let a man that she barely knew touch her, but with him, she didn't mind. It felt natural. "I would love to see you again sometime Sue Ellen."_

_"Mr. Ewing, I would love to but…"_

_"But what __Darlin'_

_When he said that word, '__Darlin'__, the way it just rolled off his lips with his wonderful Texas drawl, Sue Ellen's heart melted._

_"I would love to see you again Mr. Ewing, but I won't be available at all this week."_

_"Some things are worth waiting for. What about next week?"_

_"Mr. Ewing," Sue Ellen broke into a genuine smile. "I would love to see you again, but…"_

_"Don't tell me there's someone else?" J.R. broke into a laugh._

_"It isn't very serious, but I have been seeing another person more than once."_

_"Then don't think of it as a date, but as two people who want to get to know each other better. You can always use another friend."_

_'He certainly is persuasive. __Mamma__ would never approve of me seeing another man. But he is so interesting, so unlike Billy. __And I could use another friend,__ Sue Ellen thought.__ "Next week would be wonderful." _

JR couldn't help but notice how different things were now. In the beginning, the relationship was new and exciting; his goal was to win Sue Ellen's heart. And win it he did, stealing her away from Billy Frampton. He didn't have a chance going against JR, because he always got what he wanted, that was part of who he was.

Taking another quick look at the photograph, he wondered what Sue Ellen was doing at this very moment. He often thought of her in his office, she was the only woman to ever have her picture on his desk. Over the years, he had had more than his share of trivial affairs, but he always came back to Sue Ellen in the end. She was his wife.

* * *

Sue Ellen sat at a local outdoor café; sipping her ice tea and watching the people go by._ Everyone seems to be so happy_. Sue Ellen wanted desperately to be happy, to have everything in her life be truly perfect, so that she could stop pretending all of the time, and smile her real smile, a smile of contentment. Sue Ellen couldn't remember the last time she truly smiled or laughed. Lately, she had been living on autopilot, playing the supportive wife to one of Dallas' most powerful men. What Sue Ellen needed was peace, something that she wasn't finding at home.

Sue Ellen arose to pay her bill and head back to the ranch.

"Sue Ellen Ewing!"

The woman stopped dead in her tracks. It was that voice, a sound that she had not heard in years, the voice of a man that had marked some of the happiest moments of her college years. A voice that she believed that she would never hear again.

"Sue Ellen." Sue Ellen looked up into a face that she had grown to love.

"Clint Ogden," Sue Ellen breathed, I haven't seen you since…"

"Sophomore year of college. So much for keeping in touch." He pulled her into a familiar hug. "How is my favorite cheerleader?"

"I'm married."

"To J.R. Ewing."

"You've been keeping track of me?"

"Well, being in one of Texas' most prominent families, you're in the newspaper all of the time."

"Glad to know that you never lost interest in me."

"Sue Ellen, you are still the most beautiful woman that I have ever met."

Sue Ellen looked down at her shoes. "Thank-you, Clint. How have you been in the last 12 years?"

"Well, after getting my degree in business, I formed a profitable company of my own. It's no Ewing Oil, but it's a big step up for me."

"I'm very happy for you Clint," Sue Ellen smiled. "You always said that you wanted to make something of yourself."

"I did it all on my own. I manufacture computers."

Sue Ellen blushed. "I'm afraid I don't know anything about computers."

"Then I'll have to show you my offices sometime and explain it to you. It's really grown in the past few years. The company started in California, and we're expanding to Dallas, which is why I'm here."

"You're moving to Dallas?"

"I'm not sure yet. I am tempted to stay in California, and find another man to run my corporation here. I really have no reason to stay in Texas."

"None?"

"You were the one bright spot, Sue Ellen. I need the beaches and the sun. Not the oil."

"Well, I truly am happy for you. Seems like you're very happy."

"I'd be happier if I could see you again, Sue Ellen."

"Clint, we haven't seen each other in twelve years."

"All the more reason to get reacquainted." Clint looked at his watch. "I need to get going, here's the address that I'm staying at. Call me anytime." As Clint wrote down his address, Sue Ellen took a step back. The old Sue Ellen would have jumped at the chance to start another affair, find another man, and get back at JR for all of his liaisons. But Sue Ellen felt unsure of herself; she hadn't fully recovered from the death of Steven 'Dusty' Farlow.

Dusty was a breath of fresh air when Sue Ellen was in a very dark period. John Ross was an infant, and Sue Ellen still couldn't bring herself to take on the mother role. She was unhappy with JR and her life at Southfork. When she met Dusty at a rodeo, he was her salvation; he saved her from a deep depression. His family owned Farlow Industries, another oil family. But Dusty wasn't an oilman, he was a cowboy, and he loved Sue Ellen for who she really was. He showed her a wonderful side of herself that she hadn't seen in years. She could have a relationship with him.

Eventually, Sue Ellen resolved to run away with Dusty, taking John Ross with her and starting a new life. Dusty could take care of her and her son, he would love her forever. But then he died in a plane accident, and part of Sue Ellen died with him. Since then, she had given no thought to leaving JR; she only cared for her son. Any other man would break her heart.

And so here was Clint, resurfacing in her life after years of absence. He slipped his address in her palm and left, the ball was in her court. Sue Ellen held the power.

* * *

Everyone in the Ewing family was present for dinner that night. Bobby finally returned from his business trip, much to Sue Ellen's pleasure, but Pam's mood remained sullen. Lucy elected once again to have a home cooked meal then school cafeteria food. And JR was true to his word, he came home for dinner.

"Hello, Sue Ellen," JR took off his hat as he prepared for another meal.

"JR." Sue Ellen pinned up her hair and touched up her makeup. Her thoughts remained with Clint. She realized that outside of his business success, she knew nothing new about him. Was he divorced, widowed, or married? A man like Clint had to have some kind of woman in his life.

"Sue Ellen, where is your head tonight?"

"Excuse me?"

"I asked you how your day was twice now."

"I'm sorry JR, I guess I was preoccupied."

"Is anything wrong?"

_Why is he doing this_ Sue Ellen thought? "No JR, my afternoon was lovely."

"Another day of shopping?"

Sue Ellen was stunned by JR's remark. "There is more to me then shopping JR."

"Darlin' that wasn't what I…" JR wanted to finish his sentence, but Sue Ellen had started down the stairs. Something had happened to his wife today, and he wanted to know what it was.

Dinner proved uneventful. Sue Ellen couldn't concentrate on anything. Clint looked so different now. He was no longer the poor college boy, but the distinguished man, who made Sue Ellen's heart skip a beat. It had been a very long time since anyone had done that to her.

"Sue Ellen," Bobby rose from his seat to speak to his sister-in-law, "could I talk to you."

"Sure, Bobby." The two entered the study. "Is anything wrong?"

"I think you know."

"Pam?"

"It's been going on for so long, she seems depressed, unhappy, and I was wondering if you knew why."

"Bobby, she has been through so much this year. She discovers that the man she thought was her father really isn't, and now he's dead. She doesn't know anything about her birth mother and with the two miscarriages…"

"I know that Pam has been through hell, but I still think there's more to it than that. I've suffered the miscarriages of those same children."

"Bobby, you don't understand, Pam's pain is buried inside of her, and it's not just about the loss of the babies. It's the need to love a child, to be a mother, something that that Pamela never had."

"Why won't she talk to me?"

"Bobby, she can't talk until she realizes the problem. She keeps on going with life not facing her issues. I've tried to talk to her."

"I need to know what to do to help her. I love her, Sue Ellen. I can't stand by and let things get worse."

"Bobby, be the best husband you can be, Pam will talk to you when she's ready."

"I am doing the best I can."

"I know that Bobby. She's very lucky to have you. Not everyone has the love of a husband." Sue Ellen looked down, Bobby knew about her relationship with JR, how far apart they were.

"Sue Ellen, I know JR loves you."

"Does he?" Sue Ellen let out a laugh. "I thought we were going to talk about your problems."

"You're right, but you know that you can always talk to me."

"Thank-you, Bobby."

"Sue Ellen, do you think Pam might need outside help?"

"Therapy?"

"It's helped you with your…issues." Bobby struggled for the right words, not wanting to make his sister-in-law uncomfortable.

"I don't regret seeking Dr. Simon Elby's help. Without him, I wouldn't be where I am today."

"I have to do something to help her." Bobby stood up in frustration.

"At least you care enough to help," Sue Ellen whispered.

"Have you been able to get through to her?"

"I'm afraid not, Bobby. She won't even talk to Miss Ellie."

Bobby stood up to leave. "Thanks, Sue Ellen."

"Sure Bobby."

"Oh and Sue Ellen."

"Yes Bobby?"

"Happy 10th anniversary."

Sue Ellen broke into a smile. Bobby Ewing remembered her wedding anniversary. "Thank-you Bobby."

Sue Ellen trudged up the stairs, knowing that it was time to face her husband. Her first stop was to the nursery, where John Ross slept. Sue Ellen peaked in to find JR having a talk with his son.

"I love you, boy. I cannot wait until you are big enough to do all of the things that your granddaddy did with me. We'll go camping, and hunting, maybe I'll even take you down to Ewing Oil."

Sue Ellen smiled in spite of herself. JR loved his son very much. If only some of that emotion, any of that emotion could transfer to her.

Sue Ellen sunk into the covers as her thoughts again returned to Clint. Was he feeling as alone tonight as she was?

"Sue Ellen." JR's southern drawl brought her back to reality.

"Hmm?"

"You seemed mighty quiet at dinner tonight." Sue Ellen turned her head and looked at her husband. His face didn't hold the usual sarcasm, but held concern. Concern for her.

"I've had several things on my mind lately."

"Care to elaborate?"

_What was he doing? Did he really want to know what was wrong with her?_ "I was thinking about Pamela." JR grimaced at the thought of that Barnes woman that infiltrated Southfork. Try as hard as he could, he couldn't get rid of her.

"Oh."

"She's having such a hard time."

"I thought she would have gotten over that miscarriage by now."

Sue Ellen turned to look at her husband, appalled by his lack of sensitivity towards Pam. "You really can be cruel, JR." Sue Ellen turned her back to him.

"Was it something I said?"

"That woman is grieving more than just a lost child. Are you ever going to accept her as a Ewing and a member of this family?"

"Pamela Barnes is not a Ewing, she just happened to marry one."

"Just like me. I suppose I'm not a Ewing either."

"Sue Ellen…"

"Goodnight JR!" Sue Ellen buried her face in her pillow. How could he think of Pam and of her as non-Ewings, especially her? Sue Ellen had worked ten years to find her place in the family, and JR still considered her a foreigner.

JR frowned as he turned to his side. Everything he said to Sue Ellen came out the wrong way. True, sometimes he goaded her more then he meant to, and she had every right to be hostile towards him after everything he had put her through, but she refused to meet him halfway. Right now, all he wanted was Sue Ellen, to be with her, and love her. They hadn't made love in months, how could they when they were battling one another. JR's thoughts traveled to their first official date.

_JR, who was a man of many words, had no words to describe the southern belle in front of him. Sue Ellen was a beautiful vision, and after one look at her, JR was determined to make her his. To hell with Billy Frampton. JR extended his hand to the lovely Texan as he pulled her into a carriage._

_"You look lovely, Sue Ellen."_

_"Thank-you Mr. Ewing."_

_JR took Sue Ellen's hand in his as they rode to Donahue's, the destination for their first date. Sue Ellen didn't think to pull his hand away from hers; she loved the touch and the feel of his skin on hers. He made her forget all about Billy Frampton, even though they had only gone __out last night. JR was captivating and Sue Ellen couldn't think of anything else. She loved the way he spoke, with such authority and self-confidence. JR Ewing seemed to be the type of man who always got what he wanted._

_JR hopped out of the carriage first, extending his hand to Sue Ellen as they entered the restaurant and were taken to JR's table. It was in the middle of the restaurant and spoke volumes about his power in Dallas. JR had the very best of everything._

_"Sue Ellen, are you feeling alright?"_

_Sue Ellen looked down at her untouched spinach salad. She was so afraid to speak to this powerful, attractive man. What if she disappointed him? "I'm fine, Mr. Ewing – I mean JR." Sue Ellen smiled at the man across from her. He was so attentive and caring._

_JR told Sue Ellen stories about Ewing Oil and the history of the Ewing name. Sue Ellen loved hearing JR talk about the rich and powerful Ewings. They seemed like royalty to her._

_The date neared an end as the two got back in the carriage. JR went to a local vendor and bought a single yellow rose for Sue Ellen._

_"Thank-you, JR," Sue Ellen murmured as she inhaled the sweet perfume. It was a perfect rose, all petals formed around the center._

_"Sue Ellen…" JR was memorized by the young beauty in front of him. He loved spending the evening with her. "Sue Ellen, may I see you again."_

_"Why JR, I told you that I was already seeing someone."_

_"Is it serious?" JR's blue eyes gazed at her face._

_"He wants it to be."_

_"And what do you want?"_

_Sue Ellen wanted so many different things. To be free from her mother's clutches. To be able to do what she really wanted. "I want to see you again JR", Sue Ellen said with confidence._

_"Won't your boyfriend mind?"_

_"I make my own decisions, JR."_

_"A woman who goes after what she wants. A very nice quality to have." The carriage dropped Sue Ellen off at the campus. "I'll call you."_

_Alright__." Sue Ellen watched the carriage ride away as she brought the flower to her nose. _

JR took another look at his sleeping wife, he knew in his heart that he should make things right between them, and he did love her very much, but could he stay committed to her?

His love of women developed in college. He was a fraternity brother and could have any woman on campus. JR never gave a second thought to settling down with one woman, and that was just fine with him. But not with his parents. Jock and Ellie wanted JR to settle down with a wife and continue the Ewing name. JR never said no to his daddy, and he never gave up his womanizing ways. It wasn't Sue Ellen's fault; it would have happened with any woman that JR had chosen to be his wife. But a wife was a necessity; JR knew he had to become a husband at some point, even though he would have been more content as a bachelor.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3: Parties and Pleasantries

Yellow roses. To this day, they were Sue Ellen's favorite flower. It was the first flower that JR had ever given her. JR called her his 'Yellow Rose of Texas'. He would send dozens of roses to her dorm room, hotel room, and home, he never stopped pursuing her. And Sue Ellen loved every minute of it. Back in college, she truly believed that he was one of the most romantic men she had ever met.

Maybe if he hadn't been so perfect during their courtship, Sue Ellen wouldn't have been as upset during the beginning of their marriage. It was as if JR was a different man, no longer the romantic and passionate suitor she once knew. JR showed a distinct lack of interest in her, even in the bedroom. Sue Ellen couldn't understand why. During their dating years, JR pressured Sue Ellen on multiple times to go to bed with him. But Sue Ellen said no. Patricia had given her daughter some very useful advice: not to give herself to a man until they were married. This way, he would never stop wanting her. Mrs. Shepard's plan worked perfectly, but neither woman gave a thought to what would happen after the marriage.

It was a beautiful Sunday morning at Southfork. Sue Ellen drank her coffee from the balcony of her bedroom, admiring Miss Ellie's garden of flowers. They brought back wonderful memories, a symbol of JR's devotion to her.

It had been a week since Sue Ellen had seen Clint. He continued to plague her thoughts. There couldn't be any harm in seeing an old friend. Sue Ellen would not let anything happen, she was more responsible now. She had John Ross to think of. They both belonged at Southfork. The ranch was a wonderful place to raise a child and John Ross could finally have a positive upbringing, something that Sue Ellen refused to deny him.

JR debated which tie to wear on his trip to the office. It was becoming harder and harder to stay at Southfork. The past few evenings had been spent elsewhere, in the company of other women. JR knew that Sue Ellen knew about his extramarital affairs, so he no longer kept them a secret from her. What was the use if she knew?

"Off to the office JR?" Sue Ellen turned to her husband.

"I have some paperwork to finalize, but I'll be home tonight, Honey."

"Have a nice afternoon, JR." Sue Ellen suddenly felt a pang of guilt about how she was going to spend her afternoon. _Why should I feel guilty about seeing an old boyfriend? I do not intend to sleep with him. The only reason I am seeing him is because I am curious about how his life is._

Dressed in a scarlet red dress, Sue Ellen knocked on room 223 in the Carlyle. Sue Ellen's brown hair was curled around her face, the way Clint preferred it.

"Sue Ellen," Clint pulled her into a hug, Sue Ellen didn't back away. She looked up at him; he looked so much more adult, so accomplished. This was not the Clint that Sue Ellen broke up with. She blushed.

"What a lovely hotel. Will you be here long?"

"It seems like I'll be here at least a month. The interviewing process will prove to be very boring. But I can't trust my company to anyone, can I?"

"No you can't."

"These are for you, Sue Ellen," Clint smiled, presenting Sue Ellen with a dozen red roses.

"They are lovely," Sue Ellen mused, inhaling the precious scent.

"I remember being broke in college, and stealing red roses from the school gardens."

"I loved them all the same," Sue Ellen admitted. "You were always so wonderful." Sue Ellen gazed at the rosy color, a sharp contrast to the trinket that J.R. always gave her.

"Are they still your favorite flower?"

"My what?" Sue Ellen asked, her mind elsewhere, once again to her husband. The guilt that she felt this morning resurfaced and she couldn't get him out of her head. This wasn't her style anymore; she thought she had risen above the petty games and strategies.

"You always loved red roses."

"I was different then. I was younger and naïve and…"

"I would love to get to know the new Sue Ellen," Clint said, noticing her hesitancy."I hope you don't mind but I ordered some lunch for us?" Clint unveiled an assorted feast.

"Is this your way of tempting me to stay?"

"I don't have anything else planned for the afternoon."

"Then I'll stay, but you have to start telling me about yourself. You know so much about my life and I know so little about yours."

"Well, after I graduated and left the army, I married a young woman named Alice Young. Her family was very well off, and it was her father that backed my company in the beginning. Alice got in a car accident two years after the marriage."

"I'm so sorry."

"After that, I haven't been able to settle down with one particular woman, I focused on my work. I had no children, no other family to speak of."

"Have you ever thought about finding someone else?"

"No one else really mattered to me."

"You told me you would never become power hungry."

"People change, Sue Ellen, I'm not the man you knew at Texas University. And I would never call myself power hungry."

"How would you explain the fact that you never settled down again."

"I couldn't bring myself to find a replacement, or have a wife for the sake of having a wife. I suppose if I ever met the right person, I could fall in love again and give marriage another try." Clint looked into Sue Ellen's eyes. There was so much that he wanted to tell her.

Taking a quick look at her watch. She needed to be back at Southfork in half-an-hour. Miss Ellie said there was going to be a DOA meeting held at the house.

"Clint, this afternoon was lovely, but I need to head home."

"Can I see you again?" Clint stammered, not wanting the evening to end. "I'm only here for a month before I go back to California."

"Clint, I…."

"Sue Ellen, we owe it to each other to find closure. We left things up in the air after I left school."

Sue Ellen wanted to see him again. She loved the few hours that they spent together. No harm could come of just talking.

"I'll call you."

"I hope so Sue Ellen. I never thought I would see you again, and now that I have…"

"Yes Clint?"

"Now that I have, it was worth the wait."

Sue Ellen said nothing as she closed the door, red flowers in her hand. What could she say? That she was happy to see him? That she was still interested in him?

* * *

Sue Ellen parked her car in the driveway at Southfork. There was a steady stream of vehicles parked along the gates outside of the land, but Sue Ellen didn't notice.

"Sue Ellen." JR came up from behind her. "Did you get a message to come home early?"

"Miss Ellie said there was a DOA meeting."

"Daddy said he wanted to speak to me." The two carefully sized each other up. "You look lovely, Sue Ellen."

"Thank-you JR." Sue Ellen looked at his sharp features, he was aging very well.

"I suppose we should go inside." JR took Sue Ellen's arm.

"May as well." Sue Ellen flinched at the touch of JR's skin on hers. She couldn't remember the last time he ever touched her.

"They're coming!" Lucy shouted in a low whisper.

"Does everyone know what to do?" Miss Ellie questioned in her authoritative manner, directing everyone to hide behind a corner of the house.

"Yes, Mamma, we've been over this," Bobby chided.

"Turn off the lights," Jock boomed. The array of visitors at Southfork took their positions as the lights flicked off.

"They'll be so surprised," Miss Ellie smiled, knowing that weeks and weeks of planning were finally going to pay off.

The front door creaked open. "There's no light," JR noted as he flipped a switch.

"HAPPY 10th ANNIVERSARY!"

Sue Ellen couldn't breathe. The room was filled to the brim with balloons, people, and food. A giant banner read 'JR and Sue Ellen's Silver Anniversary'. _A surprise anniversary party'._

"Congratulations, boy," Jock patted his son on the back.

"Thank-you, daddy." JR looked just as surprised as Sue Ellen. This was the last thing he expected tonight.

Miss Ellie pulled Sue Ellen into a warm embrace. "We love you, Sue Ellen."

"Miss Ellie, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me." Sue Ellen put on her famous Miss Texas smile, though her heart wasn't in it. There must have been over one-hundred people waiting to celebrate her marriage to JR, not knowing that it was all a lie. Yes, tonight she was going to play the part of the happy and devoted Mrs. JR Ewing. She couldn't disappoint all of these people, especially not Miss Ellie.

JR caught Sue Ellen's eye and he acknowledged the fact that they both needed to play the happy couple once again. JR couldn't start raising suspicions and questions about the actual state of his marriage. What he wanted right now was a drink. He would need plenty to get through the party.

Sue Ellen danced through the evening, giving out hugs and hearing warm congratulations from everyone. On the inside, she was spinning out of control with confusion, unhappiness, guilt, and above all worry. Would anyone notice anything different about her tonight? Would J.R. sneak away with one of the female guests?

"Sue Ellen, my firstborn." Patricia Shepard pulled her daughter into a close, perfunctory hug. Sue Ellen was face to face with the woman who taught her how to perform a charade and fool other people.

"Hello, Mamma."

"I can't believe it's been ten years."

"I hope I get a husband as wonderful as JR," Kristin noted, worming her way through the crowd. Kristin was no longer the innocent wide-eyed girl that Sue Ellen remembered. Kristin had blossomed into a young woman. She was just a little older then Lucy.

Sue Ellen hugged her sister. "It has been so long, Kristin."

"You're not the only one who's been busy." Kristin eyed the male party members, hoping to find a bachelor for herself. The last time Sue Ellen had seen her sister was when John Ross was a newborn. At their mother's insistence, Kristin moved to Dallas to help Sue Ellen with the baby. Kristin had been very excited about leaving Austin and her mother's strong clutches, wanting to strike it out on her own. And she really did. J.R. gave Kristin keys to the Ewing condominium, which became her home for several months. J.R.'s generosity hadn't stopped there – he had been _kind _enough to give her Louella's position as his personal secretary until she returned.

J.R. had taught her many things during her tenure at Ewing Oil – both in and out of the office. His relationship with Sue Ellen was to be considered stained at best, prompting him to seek elsewhere for companionship. Kristin vividly remembered the first time J.R. seduced her in his office. The photograph of Sue Ellen on J.R.'s desk looked intently at both parties, telling them that they were making a mistake. But Kristin didn't see it that way at all.

There was always an undertone of resentment between the two sisters. Kristin always believed that she had received the short end of the stick, giving up new clothes, attention, and praise to Sue Ellen, who was hands down everyone's favorite girl. Kristin couldn't hold a candle to her sister and she knew it. Deep down, she hated her for having everything. The house, the husband, the title, the money. Kristin was still unable to escape her sister's shadow, after years of being apart.

Kristin was no fool when it came to knowing her sister. Those months that she stayed with her after John Ross was born opened her eyes to her relationship with J.R. Kristin felt a touch of happiness in Sue Ellen's misery, knowing that the 'perfect sister' was living an imperfect life that only a few knew about.

As far as she was concerned, Sue Ellen had no interest in her husband, and if she didn't want him, why couldn't someone else swoop in and take him. Granted J.R. had not been her first choice among the Ewing men – the man that she really wanted was Bobby, but he was taken – however, J.R. made a fine second.

Yet Kristin was left disappointed with their relationship. His time with her was fleeting, never spending more than a night together, and Kristin was too afraid of J.R. firing her and sending her back to her mother to ask for more attention. No, Kristin was smart enough to keep her mouth shut and take what she could get – however small it may be.

If there was one useful thing that Patricia Shepard drilled into her youngest daughter – it was to never give up after a first try. This mantra drove Kristin to chase after everyone and everything. As far as she could tell – the world was hers for the taking. Little setbacks meant nothing to the young beauty, knowing that first answers weren't always the final ones.

Sue Ellen caught Kristin's wandering stare, a tinge of fear creeping within her. Sue Ellen worried about her younger sister – her wild ways were bound to catch up with her at some point or another. She had seen many of Kristin's true colors during her months in Dallas and she didn't like what she saw. She was perturbed by the fact that Kristin believed that she could split up Bobby and Pam. She was unnerved by the conversations the two had about her relationship with her husband and her new son. _Kristin had no right giving advice on things she knew __nothing about._ Kristin questioned why Sue Ellen virtually ignored their son, why she was so unhappy with J.R., when he had given her everything she ever wanted.

However, what made Sue Ellen sick to her stomach was the amount of time that her sister spent with her husband. Games at the ranch house, private talks, and now she that Kristin wounds up working with him and going on business trips with him… Sue Ellen was no fool and it didn't take her very long to decipher the hidden relationship between her husband and sister. _She'll only get burned,_ Sue Ellen told herself. She knew that he would use her and spit her out when he was done.

Sue Ellen wanted to help her sister, and she had warned her several times to stay away from J.R., but Kristin always had a mind of her own, and ignored her sister's pleas. Kristin went so far as to taunt Sue Ellen, playfully kissing J.R. in front of the family, telling Sue Ellen that if she wasn't careful, someone could swoop in and steal her husband right from under her.

_It won't be you,_ Sue Ellen would laugh silently. Kristin would throw herself at J.R. time and again and would always wind up with nothing. _J.R. doesn't let his women control him, _Sue Ellen reminded herself, _he controls them._

Sue Ellen's glance returned to her mother and sister. Patricia glowed as she placed her second daughter on display. "Kristin is going to California next year," Patricia said proudly.

"I am going to be an architect," Kristin said with pride, taking joy in the fact that she was going to find a career for herself, unlike Sue Ellen who married shortly after college, with only an unused bachelor's degree to her name. She stole another look at her brother-in-law. He looked fantastic tonight, better than she remembered. Kristin knew that the book was not closed on them – they still had some unfinished business to get through. The question was when to start the relationship again.

"Is that right?" J.R. crept up behind Sue Ellen and pulled her against him. "I'm sure you'll be very happy there." The proximity of J.R. to her body made Sue Ellen flinch. Maybe it was the alcohol, but J.R. was more affectionate now then, he had been in months and it frightened Sue Ellen to see him this way.

Sue Ellen needed to escape from him, from his clutches. It was one thing to play the happily married couple from separate corners, now she felt as though her space was being invaded. Not just by J.R. but by everyone. Right now Sue Ellen wanted to be alone, away from her husband and his family, away from the hundreds of guests wishing to congratulate her for something that she was not really a part of.

J.R. buried his nose in Sue Ellen's long auburn hair. He had wanted to be close to her again, and he thought that tonight would be the perfect opportunity. If they were going to play the devoted couple, they may as well do their best, and JR never did anything halfheartedly. He craved the feeling of her body against his skin, always believing that Sue Ellen was one of the prettiest women in Texas. Yet he felt her uneasiness, her discomfort, as if this were too much for her, but he didn't want to let go, not for a long time.

"Don't they look perfect together," Mavis Anderson, a good friend of Ellie and Jock's beamed. "Maybe little John Ross will get a brother or sister."

Sue Ellen was at her breaking point, she couldn't stand the thought of everyone increasing the pressure once again to have a baby. Sue Ellen's mind would be forever haunted by the question 'when will you and J.R. have a baby'. For seven years of her marriage that was all she ever heard, all anyone ever talked about and thought about. She felt as though she was being criticized for not producing a 'Ewing heir'. As Miss Ellie once told her, 'seven years was a long time to wait for a child'. And now it was going to begin again, a cycle that was going to once again tear Sue Ellen apart.

Sue Ellen remembered the painful years of not being able to conceive a child. She felt inadequate, useless; this was something that she wanted more than anything in the world. The worst part was that there was no one that Sue Ellen could turn to for comfort during this period of darkness. J.R. snapped at her whenever she brought up the subject of not having a child. She had gone so far as to adopt through a black market, but J.R. as always was one-step ahead of her and stopped the process. Sue Ellen couldn't have turned to Miss Ellie, the woman who seemed to know everything. Miss Ellie never knew it but her constant pressuring nearly drove Sue Ellen to the brink of insanity. Sue Ellen knew that Miss Ellie would never intentionally do anything to hurt her, which is why Sue Ellen never told her how she felt. It would have been impossible for Sue Ellen to confide in her DOA friends. Sue Ellen was their leader, and they all envied her, believing that she had everything she ever wanted. Sue Ellen didn't want their pity, so she continued to perpetuate the perfect Texas wife. When Pam came, Sue Ellen truly believed it was the end for her. Pam would have been the first to produce a Ewing heir; she became pregnant a few short weeks after marrying Bobby. But a run-in with J.R. prompted a miscarriage. Shortly after the accident, Sue Ellen became pregnant and found John Ross Ewing III, and she would never let him go.

Pamela Ewing stood at the other side of the room in a corner, working on her third glass of white wine. She usually didn't drink very much in one sitting – knowing full well the dangers of alcoholism and consumption from her daddy – but tonight was different.

Pam drifted in and out during the evening, occasionally closing her eyes in search of respite. _The Ewings certainly do know how to throw a party_, Pam muttered to herself, caressing her forehead.

Pam wouldn't have minded the evening so much, if it were not for the topic of conversation: Sue Ellen, J.R. and John Ross.

_"Oh what a lovely family they are."_

_"John Ross looks just like his daddy."_

_"Motherhood must be agreeing with you, Sue Ellen."_

_"Are you going to have another baby?"_

That one little, insignificant comment hurt her the most. _They can have all the children they want – dozens of them. And I can't carry a child to term. _The pain made her want to cry, but she couldn't – because that would draw more attention to herself. She had already been receiving weird looks from before, people asking why she was so quiet tonight – not meaning anything by it, just being concerned.

Pam turned her head, looking out the window at the brilliant Southfork sky. Even the stars came out in celebration of J.R. and Sue Ellen's silver anniversary. Pam's eyes were so fixated on the outside, that she did not notice the gentle yet familiar touch on her shoulder. "At the rate you're going, we'll be out of wine by the end of the night," Bobby joked.

Pam turned to face her husband. A look of concern crossed his face when he caught Pam's demeanor. Bobby Ewing was quickly running out of options with his wife. It was becoming very clear that she was in trouble, sinking deeper and deeper into a dark hole, and Bobby didn't know what to do to help her.

He didn't want to send her away to a sanitarium or hospital. He saw institutions like that to be too impersonal and totalitarian, creating more problems on top of ones that existed.

Pam lowered his eyes, avoiding Bobby's comforting and dependable stare. She didn't want him near her, worrying about her.

When Pam's quiet behavior began, Bobby attributed it to her inability to have a child of her own. Bobby told her not to lose faith, that doctors didn't know everything, and that someday they would both be proud parents. But Bobby's words brought no comfort to his young wife.

He wondered how much of her problem was related to creating a family and how much was created by her own. She constantly worried about Cliff – who seemed to get into one scrap after another. A failed senatorial election, burned business deals, being outdone yet again by the Ewings. Bobby had told her that Cliff was a big man and that while it didn't always seem apparent, he could indeed take care of himself. Yet nothing stopped Pam's worrying or her outcries against Jock and J.R. when she felt they were attacking him.

Finally, there was Digger's death to consider, and the fact that he was not her birth father. Pam felt like she had lost her connection to Cliff and to the world, believing herself to be an orphan, not knowing where she came from or who she was. Her mother had left her when she was a little girl, and her birth father died at the hand of Digger when he discovered his affair with his wife.

"Pam," Bobby said finally, grasping for her hand, taking her fluted glass away from her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Pam said quietly, reaching for her drink, but Bobby would not give in.

"You can't hide from me forever, Pam."

Pam met her husband's steady gaze. "I am hiding from anyone," she replied as she headed up the stairs, declaring that the party was officially over.

Bobby watched, dumfounded, wanting to let his frustrations toward her out. He was a very patient man, but there was only so much that he could take – even for her.

It may have made Pam feel better to know that she was not alone that night; that someone else in the room was fighting a battle of her very own, one that she was losing. But like Pam, she couldn't talk to anyone; all she could do was sit and watch.

Sue Ellen was no longer listening to the conversations around her, doing her very best to keep her temper with her husband's presence upon her. It felt unnerving and unsettling – foreign – to have those arms that ignored her for so long come back to her, fitting into the grooves of her body. J.R. held onto her waist as he chatted politely with her mother and sister. What Sue Ellen needed now was an escape from her surroundings. "Excuse me, Darling, there's someone I need to speak to." Sue Ellen broke away from JR's arms as she ventured outside by Miss Ellie's beautiful gardens.

"How are you holding up, Sue Ellen?" Miss Ellie's comforting voice made Sue Ellen's muscles slowly relax as she gazed at the dozens of stars in the Texas night sky.

"Just fine, Miss Ellie." Sue Ellen couldn't bring herself to tell her beloved mother-in-law how she really felt. "Thank-you so much for the party."

"Ten years is a true milestone, one that should be celebrated."

"Miss Ellie," Sue Ellen turned to look at the sage woman before her, "may I ask you a question?"

"You can ask me anything, Sue Ellen."

"How long did it take for you to fall in love with Jock?"

"That's a very interesting question," Miss Ellie chuckled.

"You don't have to answer, Miss Ellie," Sue Ellen stammered, not wanting to offend her.

"The first few years of my marriage to Jock were difficult. I knew I didn't truly love him when I married him; I was still in love with Digger. But I knew that I could never have a future with Digger Barnes, he wasn't dependable enough, responsible enough. Southfork need a strong man to take the reins and help it through the depression. Jock was the perfect man, he had so many good qualities that Digger lacked. I married him to save the ranch, not knowing whether I would find love with him or not."

"Could you have really lived in a loveless marriage?"

"It was a sacrifice that I was willing to make. Jock Ewing was not the easiest person to love, when Digger was kind and compassionate, Jock was stern and rough."

"But you fell in love with him."

"Jock loved me very much and he loved Southfork. Over time, I grew to love him very much. I knew that I had made the right decision." Miss Ellie took Sue Ellen's hand. "No one ever said that marriage was going to be easy, Sue Ellen. I consider Jock and I very fortunate to be together for as long as we have."

"Do you regret not marrying Digger Barnes?"

"No, I don't Sue Ellen. In the beginning, I was very unhappy about giving up Digger, but I knew that it was something that had to be done. But when I think about how different my life would have been if I had married Digger, I know that I made the right decision. Think of all the things that I would have missed out on if I had married Digger." Miss Ellie stroked Sue Ellen's cheek. "Think of all the things that you would have missed out on if you hadn't married JR."

Sue Ellen couldn't speak. _Think of all the things that I could have avoided by marrying JR._

The two women walked back in the mansion. Sue Ellen eyed her sister and husband locked away in the corner. _I wonder whose idea that was,_ Sue Ellen thought bitterly, concealing herself behind a group of people.

Kristin draped her arm over J.R.'s shoulder, her long dark curls brushing his cheek. "We haven't seen each other in a very long time," she whispered seductively, her free arm drawing circles on his chest.

J.R. cleared his throat, hoping that no one was noticing him with Kristin. "I've been very busy."

J.R. tried to maneuver his way out of the corner, but Kristin refused to release her hold on him. "We may have to change that one of these days, J.R."

"Kristin," J.R. said firmly, moving her hands away from him. "Stop making a scene."

"What am I supposed to do? You fire me out of the blue one day and bring back dumpy Louella without a goodbye."

J.R. glared at his sister-in-law. "You were my employee, and I didn't owe you any explanation then, and I don't now."

"You know that I wasn't just your employee, J.R.," she cooed. "Don't tell me that you forget all of those nights together at the Ewing condo?"

J.R. opened his mouth to speak, but he saw Sue Ellen edge her way out of a corner. "Kristin, if you will excuse me, I have to see, Sue Ellen."

J.R. walked away, leaving a fuming Kristin behind him. "Sue Ellen doesn't want you," she hissed, infuriated at J.R.'s lack of interest in her.

Sue Ellen had witnessed the entire scene between J.R. and Kristin. She started to go back outside, but J.R. grabbed her arm.

"Where'd you sneak off to, Darlin'?"

"I was here the entire time, J.R." She looked right into his eyes. "You and Kristin seemed pretty chummy over in the dining room."

J.R. shot his wife a defensive look. "I was just saying, hello, Honey."

"Of course you were," Sue Ellen grimaced.

J.R. took Sue Ellen's hand and brought her to the center of the living room, taking center stage. "Everyone, as we close the night I would like to give a toast to my lovely wife, Sue Ellen." Everyone in the room raised a glass as Sue Ellen searched his eyes to find out what he was planning. She wasn't expecting him to say anything. Normally, the two rarely spoke during social gatherings, she was on one end and he on the other.

"Darlin'," JR took her hand in his, "you are my Yellow Rose of Texas, and the love of my life." JR looked down at his wife, and Sue Ellen thought she saw a trace of sincerity in his eyes. _He is an excellent actor._ "I have been so blessed to have you in my life in the past ten years, and am honored to call you my wife. You are the only woman that I have ever truly loved and I could never imagine my life with anyone else." The crowd murmured, as JR pulled Sue Ellen in a passionate kiss. Applause abounded in the room, and Sue Ellen's mind began swimming. He had no right to kiss her, to hold her, tell her he loved her when it was all a lie. This was no longer a simple charade and game, this was mental cruelty. She wanted to cry, to hurt JR for tonight, and for every other night of their marriage.

"To the happy couple," Jock boomed as JR released his wife, her eyes showing anger and fear. The only bright spot for her was that the party was officially over. Sue Ellen could retreat to her bedroom, and forget that this night ever happened.

"To the happy couple," the crowd echoed, Sue Ellen refusing to meet JR's eyes, afraid that she would break down and cry.

J.R. looked down at his wife, posing a smile for the party attendees, as he looked down at his wife. She seemed so afraid, like a rabbit caught in a trap, waiting to be killed. He wanted to let her know that she was safe, that he meant her no harm. But he couldn't do it here, not now.

Fortunately for Sue Ellen, the party came to a close after the final toast. The entire Ewing family stood in a line saying goodbye to their guests, ready to end another night.

_JR is a brilliant actor_. Sue Ellen pulled on her nightgown as she crawled into bed with her book, attempting to erase the previous events. _If he ever decides to leave the oil business, he has a trade to fall back on._ Her cheeks were red with anger; he had gone too far tonight. He could not just go through the motions like she was intending to do. No, he had to make her believe that they were a happily married couple. He had no right to touch her, or call her his wife. A wife is someone who cares about her husband, who loves and is loved in return, who shares every part of his life. That was not the marriage of JR and Sue Ellen Ewing.

"Well, we survived another party together," JR laughed as he climbed onto his side of the bed. "I tell you, I was not expecting that tonight." He looked over at his wife and her book. "I think we did a wonderful job." He leaned over to her, attempting to kiss her cheek, but she moved away.

"That was a nice toast you gave tonight." Sue Ellen looked into her husband's eyes. "I almost believed you."

A look of pain shot through JR's face. How could she be so cold to him? He had done some terrible things to her in the past and he knew that, but couldn't she let up for one night? Couldn't they, on their anniversary, forget their marital troubles and rekindle the love that they once shared? He was too proud to come out and tell her how he felt, so he settled for trying to show her, but clearly, that was not working. He pulled her towards him, touching her cheek. "You looked radiant tonight." He smelled her hair as Sue Ellen continued to pull away from him.

"J.R. don't."

"Honey, it's been so long." He refused to let her go, forcefully grabbing onto her hands, he had no intention of letting her go.

"J.R. I said no." Sue Ellen struggled to pull away from him, from his strong grip.

"Darlin'."

"J.R. stop!" Sue Ellen kicked him hard with her left leg, giving her the needed opportunity to break away. She ran for the door, but J.R. was quicker.

"What are you trying to do!" he hissed, his forehead crinkling with fury. If this scene had occurred a year ago, Sue Ellen would have obliged him, and most likely slept with him. But this was a different Sue Ellen, she refused to be his stepping-stone anymore. After the way he had hurt her tonight, he was not going to have his way with her, she would not allow it.

"I may play your wife in public J.R., but we both know that it stops in the bedroom!" Sue Ellen was only a few inches shorter then J.R. and she met him squarely in the eyes. Her hurt was now replaced with anger.

J.R. stood tall, appalled at the way Sue Ellen had spoke to him. One of the basic principles that Jock Ewing taught to him was that it was a man's job to control his wife. "You are my wife and you will honor me!"

"Honor you! Honor you! For the past ten years I have sat quietly while you went off with every woman in Texas, playing your dutiful wife, being at your beck and call, isn't that enough!" Sue Ellen opened the bedroom door and fled down the stairs, not caring about waking other family members or creating a scene.

The living room in Southfork was dark and stoic, so unlike the few hours before it. The only light that shone was that of the moon glowing from the window. Sue Ellen did not mind the darkness, it matched her current mood. How could J.R. want to sleep with her now? Didn't he see how his actions hurt her? Didn't he care how she felt? Silent tears fell down her cheeks.

"Sue Ellen," J.R. gently touched her shoulder. She cowered away at his touch. "I'm not gonna hurt you, Honey." The activities at the party had clouded his head, he wanted desperately to be close to Sue Ellen tonight, but he had only succeeded in pushing her away, once again. He regretted the way he came onto her, he was too forceful, and he only succeeded in frightening her away. J.R. knew of her vulnerabilities, and knew better then to push Sue Ellen when she was upset.

"Did you mean it when you kissed me?" Sue Ellen turned to her husband, looking him straight in the eye. "When you held me and told me you loved me in front of all of those people tonight, did you mean it, or was it part of our little farce that we put on when we go out as husband and wife?" Sue Ellen knew the answer, but she wanted to hear JR say it.

J.R. touched the tip of her fingers. "Sue Ellen, you know I love you."

"That's some definition of love J.R."

J.R. paused, wanting to order her back to the bedroom, but his better judgment won. "What's bothering you, Sue Ellen? You were fine at the party."

"You had no right to do what you did back there. Fool everyone into thinking that we were a happily married couple."

JR let out a frustrated sigh. She could be so trying at times. "Why is tonight so different? We've done this for years."

Sue Ellen had had enough. She wasn't going to get anywhere tonight. "You just don't get it do you?" she sobbed.

"Get what, Sue Ellen?" J.R. asked, touching her arm.

"You'll never know how much you hurt me tonight." She pushed past him, the monster that she called her husband. No one would notice her fall from grace. By morning, Sue Ellen would go back to be Mrs. J.R. Ewing, and no one would be the wiser, no one except her husband. J.R. stood in the room, his eyes never leaving her body as she ascended the stairs. He had meant every word that he said that night, but she didn't know, and he didn't know how to let her know.


	4. Chapter 4: Trouble Brewing

The night of the party brought new insight to Sue Ellen. It was after that night that Sue Ellen decided that she wanted to see Clint Ogden once again. If she couldn't find marriage with her husband, she would have to find it somewhere else. That theory had worked for JR for a decade, why couldn't it prove profitable for her too? At the time, she wasn't sure if she wanted to start an affair or not, she didn't want to sink to his level, but she knew that she couldn't go on with her life like this.

Sue Ellen's relationship with her husband remained stagnate after the incident. Neither one spoke very much to the other. They didn't even fight; the two ignored one another, only seeing each other at meals and on the few occasions when JR came home at night. The nights that he came home started to become fewer, and normally Sue Ellen would have called him on it, but not anymore. She would live her life and he would live his.

She would never leave her husband. Too many people would be hurt. John Ross needed a mother and a father. J.R. was a terrible husband, but there was no doubt in her mind that he loved his son. Sue Ellen couldn't leave Miss Ellie, she was more of a mother then her own ever was. Sue Ellen loved Southfork; it was the most beautiful place in the world that she had ever seen. But most of all, Sue Ellen believed that she didn't have the courage to leave out on her own. This was a woman who went straight from living with her mother and sister, to living in the sorority house to living with J.R. Not once had Sue Ellen Ewing ever been alone and she was afraid to find out what would happen to her if she did.

"I'm glad you changed your mind about seeing me again, Sue Ellen." Clint poured sparkling water into Sue Ellen's champagne class. To him, she was as beautiful as ever, the same twenty year old he fell in love with. But she was different, there was a sadness to her that had grown over the years, and Clint believed he knew why.

"You can never have too many friends," Sue Ellen said.

"You know, there was a time when I never thought I would see you again."

"Oh."

"I never considered coming back to Dallas."

"Did you hate it that much?"

"I wasn't happy, I wanted something more, something that Dallas couldn't give me. I wouldn't be where I am today if I stayed here."

Sue Ellen sipped her drink in silence. Clint seemed genuinely happy to her, he had no regrets in his life. "You had a lot to gain from leaving. Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you stayed?"

"Sometimes. But I try not to focus on the past and what could have been." He knew in his heart he was lying, he never forgot Sue Ellen or their time together, but had she forgotten him. He wanted to ask her how she felt about him, but he felt it was too soon, the last thing he wanted to do was drive her away. No, his objective was to keep her as long as possible.

Sue Ellen shifted in her chair, looking at the man before her. He was different from JR. Where JR was tall, Clint was short, JR exuded power, Clint had an aura of kindness, JR was brunette, Clint was blonde. One of the reasons that Sue Ellen went back to Clint was because he was so unlike her husband. It was a refreshing change.

"Sue Ellen, what are you doing tonight?"

"Tonight?" Sue Ellen blushed. She wasn't anticipating on going out with Clint right away, she was still getting accustomed to visiting him. "Tonight, I am preparing for a DOA meeting tomorrow."

"I'd like to see you again Sue Ellen."

"You will, I enjoy visiting with you."

"That's not it, I want to take you out, go beyond the hotel room."

"Clint…"

"I know that you're married, and if you think it would cause problems with JR, then say no. I have no agenda; I just want to spend time with you."

_He wants to spend time with me. When was the last time JR said he wanted to spend time with me._ "Clint, I want to take our relationship one step at a time."

"We're in a relationship?"

"I just got reacquainted with you."

"I understand."

"People talk in Dallas. I wouldn't want anything to get back to Southfork."

"You don't want to hurt your husband."

Sue Ellen was more concerned with the other members of her family then JR. "I have a house full of people to think about, and a son."

"I understand Sue Ellen. Whatever you want is fine, I'll take what I can get."

Sue Ellen was stunned by his understanding of her situation. The ball was in her court. He was willing to take her in any way he could.

"I won't be able to see you tomorrow, but I promise to call you very soon."

"I'll be looking forward to it."

"How much longer will you be in Dallas?"

"The process of finding a head man for the company is taking longer than expected. I'm going to be looking for an apartment."

"That's wonderful."

"I can't leave Dallas until I have everything that I need."

"I hope you find what you're looking for."

"Oh, I know I will." Sue Ellen stood up as she grabbed her coat.

"I had a wonderful time."

"That makes two of us."

Sue Ellen couldn't help but smile as she entered her car and drove back to Southfork. Those few hours with Clint made her whole week. She felt as though she could conquer anything.

Driving into the Southfork driveway, Sue Ellen stopped dead in her tracks: JR had returned home from work early. She hoped that she wouldn't have to see him before dinner; the last thing she wanted was to have him breathing down her neck. Sue Ellen laughed at the thought of dreading JR. When they first met, he was all she could ever think about.

_"Sue Ellen?" Sue Ellen's chaperone and adult confidant Grace Snow knocked on the room of Sue Ellen's hotel door. Ever since she had become Miss Texas, Sue Ellen spent most of her days touring the southwest at promotional events, finishing her school by mail. Being Miss Texas had its drawbacks, her vacation was two weekends a month, and they were spent with her mother. Sue Ellen had believed that winning the pageant title would make her mother ease up on her, but it only worsened. She called her every day to make sure that she 'wasn't disgracing the great state of Texas'. _

_"Sue Ellen, these came for you." In Grace's hand were a dozen yellow roses with a tiny card attached.__"Grace, they're lovely."_

_"Billy must be very fond of you."_

_Sue Ellen examined the card. "There not from Billy."_

_"Are you seeing someone on the side?"_

_"Billy and I aren't very serious…yet."_

_"Who are they from?"_

_"J.R. Ewing."_

_"Of Ewing Oil? How do you know J.R. Ewing?"_

_"He was a judge at the Miss Texas pageant."_

_"How many times have you seen him?"_

_"Only once. He remembered me," Sue Ellen sighed, trying to contain her excitement._

_"Did you give him your address?"_

_"All I said was that I was staying in Austin for two weeks."_

_"What would your mother say if she knew about your admirer?"_

_"He's only a friend, Grace –__ not even a friend, an acquaintance. And __my mother __controls me enough when I'm home, I don't need her now."_

_"How do you feel about him?" _

_"I've only met him a few times. I don't feel anything for him." Sue Ellen knew that she was lying. Mr. Ewing haunted her thoughts day and night. She wondered if he remembered her. A man who could have any woman in Texas surly wouldn't remember her. And yet he had. He sent her yellow roses, the same flower he gave her on their very first outing._

_"What did the card say?" Grace put the flowers in water._

_"He is thinking of me and wants to see me again the next time I'm in Dallas."_

_"Are you going to see him?"_

_"I don't know." Sue Ellen smiled at the thought of seeing him again._

_"What about Billy?"_

_"Like I told you, Billy and I aren't serious."_

Sue Ellen noted the yellow roses in Miss Ellie's beautiful garden. Her eyes then lowered to her husband's car. Sue Ellen froze: he was home early. She wanted to leave, to turn the car around and go back to Clint. But she couldn't.

"Sue Ellen." J.R. opened the car door for her and extended his hand to help her out. Sue Ellen uneasily took it and looked into her husband's blue eyes.

"You're home early."

"It's a slow day at the office. You seem disappointed." Sue Ellen struggled to get past him, J.R. blocked her.

"I'm just not used to seeing you so early," she replied nonchalantly, hoping to feed off any of his annoying doubts.

But J.R. has an agenda of his own as he peered into an empty car. "What did you do today Sue Ellen?"

Sue Ellen let out an exasperated sigh; he was not going to let her go. "I was shopping in town."

"You didn't buy anything."

"I didn't like what I saw," Sue Ellen said flatly, taking a direct but subtle jibe at her husband. She still found a thrill in biting into him the way he had done to her. There were years of her silence, overlooking his indiscretions, accepting his criticism and cruelty, but recent events propelled her to fight back with an even stronger intensity.

J.R. frowned at Sue Ellen's tone. "Sue Ellen, if you have something to say to me, then say it."

"You're blocking my path." Sue Ellen coolly pushed past her husband and headed into the house. She was going to enjoy her new relationship with J.R.

* * *

Sue Ellen thrived for her secret meetings with Clint. He was now the bright spot in a very dull week at the ranch. J.R. had noted her icy tone and had decided to steer clear of her for the time being, but that did not solve Sue Ellen's constant battle with boredom at the ranch. What she was craving was companionship, something that shopping and social functions never gave her. She found herself beaming as she got out of the car and met Clint at their latest destination.

"You know in all of the time we spent together, you've never told me about your life at Southfork." Clint looked at the menu at a low-key restaurant in Dallas. This was the first time that Clint and Sue Ellen went out in public. At Sue Ellen's insistence, it was somewhere far away from Sue Ellen's usual seen of shopping and four-star restaurants.

"I'll tell you whatever you want to know," Sue Ellen smiled. It was becoming easier and easier to talk to Clint. It was as though they were back in college again and nothing had ever changed. Sue Ellen was twenty years old and desirable, and Clint was twenty-one and eligible.

"The newspapers tell me that your family is doing very well."

"The Ewings have the Midas touch," Sue Ellen smirked.

"Does that include you?"

"I'd never considered myself unlucky if that's what you mean."

"Then you are happy?"

"I have everything I ever needed: a wonderful home, a son,…"

"A husband."

"What more could a woman want?"

"Would you like drink?" the waiter asked as he stopped by the table.

"I'll have bourbon and she will have…"

"Soda water please," Sue Ellen finished as the waiter left.

"You don't drink at lunch?"

"I don't drink at all anymore."

"Why is that?"

Sue Ellen shifted in her seat; she wanted to tell him everything, including her past with drinking. She never talked about her alcoholism with anyone, it was a period of her life that she wanted to block out.

"We can change the subject," Clint said, noticing her pain.

"You asked me if I was happy," Sue Ellen began, "it took me a very long time to find happiness. On some days, I feel absolutely miserable." Clint said nothing, watching her every movement. "My marriage to J.R… it wasn't what I thought it was going to be."

_That bastard hurt her_ Clint thought. He knew that Sue Ellen's life was lacking in something – that was why she came to see him – and now he was finding out why.

"Maybe it was unrealistic expectations. We were so happy while we were dating; I thought that marriage was the next logical step." The food arrived, but Sue Ellen couldn't eat. "Here's what the newspapers won't tell you about J.R.: anyone involved with him is headed for a big fall." Sue Ellen looked Clint in the eyes, she saw compassion and tenderness, she felt comfortable telling him her story. "My problems with J.R., what should I tell you first: his neglect, his cruelty, how about his cheating? Years of dealing with J.R. drove me to the bottle; it was my only source of comfort for the longest time."

"I'm so sorry, Sue Ellen."

"If I never had John Ross," Sue Ellen's voice began to break, "I don't know what would have happened."

"You deserve better, Sue Ellen."

"Do I?"

"You are too good for him."

"Clint, you don't you who you are looking at. You are looking at a woman who stayed with a chronic abuser because she is too weak and shallow to leave him."

"You must be one of the bravest women I know to stay with a man like that. Anyone else would have left him, you didn't."

Sue Ellen and Clint stood up to leave the restaurant. "It felt good to tell you this, Clint; I've never been this open and honest with anyone before."

Clint placed a hand on her shoulder. "You can tell me anything, Sue Ellen. Even when I leave Dallas and go back to California, I will always be there for you."

Sue Ellen was ready to cry, for once there was someone looking out for her, putting her welfare above their own. There had been so many people in her life that had taken advantage of her, namely J.R. and her mother. It would be a refreshing change to be with someone who truly cared about her.

"I hope that lunch wasn't too depressing for you," Sue Ellen said as she escorted Clint to his hotel.

"Any time that I have with you is a pleasure." Clint truly meant what he said; he loved seeing more of Sue Ellen, learning her history, what became of the woman he once loved. "Sue Ellen?"

"Yes?"

Clint hesitated, there was something that he had to ask her ever since he heard her story over lunch, he wondered if it was the right time, or if it was even his business, but he had to know. "Why did you stay with him?"

"With J.R.?"

"I don't take you to be a weak or incapable person; you had to have had some reason for staying with that man."

"I found my reason a year ago. His name is John Ross. If I left J.R., I would lose my son, the one bright spot in my life."

"He's your only bright spot?" Clint pretended to be hurt, gauging her reaction.

"Until now anyway," Sue Ellen laughed. "Believe it or not, J.R. is a wonderful father. He spends time with John Ross whenever he isn't working. J.R. can be very devoted when he wants to be," Sue Ellen said silently, wishing that some of his compassion would slip over to her.

"You'll have to let me meet him some time."

"I will, I promise." Sue Ellen turned and headed for her car, "I'll see you soon."

Clint watched her enter the vehicle. He wondered if John Ross was the only reason that Sue Ellen stayed with J.R. Could it be possible that she still had feelings for her philandering husband?

Sue Ellen entered her bedroom at Southfork, still smiling over the afternoon that she had spent with Clint. A huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders as she admitted how she truly felt. There was no more pretending for her, times were changing.

"Did you have a nice day?" A familiar Texas drawl made Sue Ellen scream.

"I didn't mean to scare you, Darlin'." J.R. stepped out of the closet.

"That's alright, J.R." She wasn't expecting a run-in with him so quickly.

J.R. took a good look at the woman before him. "Why you are positively glowing." Sue Ellen blushed, not wanting to peek his suspicions about where she had been. "You must have had a wonderful day."

"As a matter of fact I did."

"Anything important?"

"I had one of those days where you find an unexpected treasure that you thought was long gone," Sue Ellen laughed as she exited the room, leaving a confused J.R. behind her.


	5. Chapter 5: Hidden Secrets

Sundays were quiet in Southfork. Businesses worked at a slower place, prompting the Ewing men to stay at home with the family. The weekends were laid back; for once, there was no agenda, no master plan that had to be completed. Sometimes Sundays were downright dull, especially for J.R. who thrived on excitement and movement.

The ranch was quiet. Lucy was at the library, starting an English paper due the next day, Jock read the paper by the poolside, Miss Ellie admired her garden, and once again, Pam locked herself in her room. J.R. had grown accustomed to a sullen Pam, and he didn't mind it one bit. The Barnes woman could be a formidable challenge to him when she tried to be, never fully understanding the concept that she was no longer a Barnes but a Ewing, and her loyalties belonged to the Ewings and them alone. J.R. knew why she was unhappy; the whole family knew what drove her to her room and away from Bobby. Her inability to carry a child to term damaged her inner being and her marriage. But J.R. didn't mind that either. Each day J.R. hoped that Bobby would come to his senses and leave Pam for good. But Bobby remained faithful to his wife, in any way that he could. His mind never wandered to other woman, he kept Pam first priority, even before Ewing Oil.

Sue Ellen was off on one her excursions once again. Any time J.R. tried to talk to her about where she was, he would get the same response: nothing. He hated the thought of Sue Ellen sneaking away from the ranch so frequently. Once or twice, he had wondered if she was having an affair with another man. He pushed the idea out of his head, remembering how brokenhearted she was when she lost Dusty. No, Sue Ellen wasn't having an affair, but that didn't mean she wasn't socializing with other men. In the past, J.R. would have hired a private detective to trail her, find out exactly what she was up to. Yet he held back from sticking an investigation on her. It would hurt her, and that truly was the last thing that he wanted. J.R. wanted his wife to come clean with him, to be able to talk with her and have their relationship be the way it was during their courtship. But it seemed as though too much had happened, that damage was already done, and that there was no way back. But J.R. Ewing was anything but a quitter, and he was more determined than ever to find his way back to Sue Ellen's heart.

From the first moment he saw her, he was hooked. No other woman ever held that much power over him at a first meeting. He needed to know who she was, to have her as a part of his life, and as always, J.R. got exactly what he wanted, including Sue Ellen.

Once she became his wife, he lost her. J.R. was bound to her by marriage, so he moved onto other tasks, mainly Ewing Oil. Before Sue Ellen, there was Ewing Oil, the company that his daddy had founded and passed onto him and Bobby. J.R. was willing to do anything to see Ewing Oil succeed: lie, cheat, neglect, or even sleep with other women. For J.R. there were two kinds of sex: sex for pleasure and sex for business. In J.R.'s eyes sex for business was not cheating, but merely insuring the prosperity of Ewing Oil. He neglected to see the heart in Sue Ellen's eyes when she saw him come home late, wearing the perfume of another woman. He felt no guilt over what he did…until now.

His abuse had done a number on Sue Ellen. He had hardened her, corrupted her from the innocent young woman she was when they first met. Sue Ellen caught onto his affairs and dealings very quickly, and he rebuffed her, ignored her, taking for granted the fact that she would stay with him. He knew that Sue Ellen would never give up the Ewing name and everything that came with it: money, power, prestige. For ten years, J.R. hurt her, though his love for her never died. He always assumed that she would be there for him.

Though the average Texan may not have noticed, J.R. knew that Sue Ellen had changed. To onlookers, at social functions, they were still a devoted husband and wife. But behind closed doors, Sue Ellen was fighting back. She was cold, argumentative, and unhappy. J.R. wanted to change the relationship but he needed to know how. After knowing Sue Ellen for more than a decade, he still wondered what made her tick; he never noticed the beauty in front of him. But he would now.

J.R. stumbled up the stairs and into the attic, a room that he rarely ventured into. In the past, he assumed that there was nothing of value to be found in this old and dusty room, but a lazy Sunday afternoon gave him the perfect opportunity to explore.

"I don't know why we bother to keep half of this junk anyway," J.R. muttered as he forged his way through photos and books and plaques.

His eyes feel upon a crate of books, separated from everything else. Picking up the first one, he was stunned by what he saw.

_The personal diary of Sue Ellen __Shepard_

J.R. picked up each book. Each diary chronicled an area of Sue Ellen's life. J.R. always knew that Sue Ellen had kept a diary, but it never occurred to him now that they might work to his advantage.

"I'll be damned. Her whole life story is in here."

J.R. paused, wondering about the ramifications of entering Sue Ellen's private world. She never intended for anyone to read her books, they were private and J.R. knew that. But he also knew that he wanted Sue Ellen back in his life, and the best way to win her heart was to find out how she felt. He knew he would be betraying Sue Ellen by reading her diaries, but he had to know more about the woman that he had been married to for ten years. If she wouldn't talk to him, he would have to find out the truth for himself. He carefully picked up the first book and retreated down the stairs, no one being the wiser.

J.R. knew that the very best place to start was the beginning. The beginning of Sue Ellen's diaries was on her seventh birthday, it was a gift from her mother. Pictures spilled out of the pages, chronicling Sue Ellen's adolescent years with her mother and a very young Kristin. Her father the family after Kristin was born and was never heard from again. Sue Ellen didn't want to dwell on her father and she never talked about him in public.

Right away, J.R. noted the mother-daughter relationship between his wife and Patricia. He never cared for Patricia Shepard, she was too domineering for his taste, and he rarely saw her except for a few times a year.

_June 7, 1954 _

_A man came by the house today and __Mamma__ wanted me to meet him. She made me put on my best dress and told me to be on my best behavior. __Mamma__ always told me that first impressions make the biggest difference, so I made sure to be extra nice, but it was hard. The man was very old and sticky. He put his hands on my shoulders and he said things to __Mamma__ that I didn't understand. After he left, __Mamma__ told me that the man would be my ticket to riches, and that he would make me very happy. I don't know if I agree with __Mamma__, but I know she loves me, and she wouldn't try to hurt me. _

J.R. closed the book, feeling a pang of guilt at reading Sue Ellen's private thoughts. He felt as though he was intruding, spying where he was unwanted. If Sue Ellen ever found out about the diaries… well she wouldn't. J.R. vowed to keep the books secret. After all, he wasn't really out to hurt her. He wanted to win back her trust and her love. After 14 years of knowing her, he truly didn't know his wife at all. He didn't know her childhood, her aspirations, her joy and sorrow. But he would now.

_August 12, 1955_

_This is the best day ever! Daddy agreed to take me on a real camping trip before school starts! __Mamma__ said that ladies don't camp outside, but I don't care. I get a whole weekend of daddy all to myself._

_I just finished another beauty contest. This one was the scariest one yet. All of those people, looking right at me, Miss Sue Ellen __Shepard__. What if they didn't like me? But they did. They loved me, just like __Mamma__ said they would. I have another trophy, my seventh. _

_Mamma__ says that I should be happy, I am on my way to being a true Texas lady. But I don't care about that now because I am going camping! I never get to spend enough time with daddy. Sometimes he doesn't come home at night, sometimes for days, when I try to talk to __Mamma__, she hushes me, but I hear people talking about daddy, one man called him a 'drunk'. I try not to listen to other people._

Sue Ellen worshipped her father, as imperfect as he was. She never did get enough time with him, before he left. J.R. knew how it felt to be neglected by parents. Both Jock and Ellie loved him very much, but Bobby was the favorite. Gary was forgotten, and J.R. was expected to be the responsible oldest. He was dying for more, wanting to know the secrets of his wife's past.

_December 25, 1964_

Christmas comes once again. Sometimes I wish that Kristin and I could skip this darn holiday all together and wake up January 2. Everyone at school is so excited about the holidays: the presents, the family, the time away from school. But the truth is, is that I need school. I need to occupy my time. Classes help me forget the fact that daddy left us, and that Mamma would rather go out with other men then spend the holiday with Kristin and me.

_Kristin__ asks me about daddy, what he was like, why he left, and I don't know what to tell her. Daddy loved the bottle more than the both of us, and the truth is, he never loved __mamma__and __mamma__ never loved him. She would never say it out loud, but she was ashamed of daddy, and I think of __Kristin__ and me too. She's always trying to improve me, shape me into being the 'perfect lady' and eventually the 'perfect wife'. _

_I wonder if that is what I am destined to be. It never worked out for __mamma__, she never worked a day in her life until daddy left. One of the reasons that I love school is because it gives me so many opportunities that __Mamma__ never had. I don't want her life, I don't care if she thinks it's best for me. She never gives any thought to me or what I want. I am tired of the endless pageants, of spending my afternoons with __Kristin__ because she would rather be dating men. _

_May seems so far away._

The entry was a few years before he met her. J.R. skimmed the first through books, planning on an in depth reading later in the week, for now he wanted a small glimpse of each area of her life.

Sue Ellen was a woman with many responsibilities. Before Kristin, she catered to her mother's wishes, seeking her approval, being too afraid to fight, to find her own independence. When Kristin came, her father left, giving Sue Ellen another responsibility, that of a surrogate mother. That job would last till Sue Ellen left for college.

Taking a look at his watch, J.R. realized that he had spent over an hour reading the confessions of Mrs. J.R. Ewing. He felt that he knew her better, maybe more then he should.

"What were you doing this afternoon, Junior?" This Sunday night was special, the entire Ewing family was seated at the table, which was becoming more of a rarity.

"I caught up on my reading daddy."

"Working on a Sunday, you're a dedicated president."

"Sunday should be a day of rest," Ellie pronounced, "and there will be no talk of business at the dinner table. It's so nice when everyone eats together."

"We should do it more often, Mamma," Bobby noted, taking a look at his wife Pam, who remained in her comatose state, not touching her plate. Sue Ellen couldn't eat either, but she had reasons of her own.

After dinner Sue Ellen escaped to her bedroom, avoiding the family during the after dinner drinks. Being with the Ewings was the last thing that Sue Ellen wanted at the moment. She turned to one of her few joys at Southfork.

_December 10, 1981_

_Today I spent the entire afternoon with Clint. It was the best Sunday that I have ever had. We went down to another county and had a wonderful outdoor picnic, something that J.R. would never do. The afternoon was so simple and uncomplicated, just two people enjoying an afternoon in each other's company. I feel as though I am still in college and in love with Clint, fulfilling every dream that I never fulfilled. Life has given me a second chance with Clint. He is has become my very best friend, the one constant person that I could tell everything and anything to, where I can be myself and not have to worry about any facades or charades. I can be completely honest with him. He likes me for me, I have never felt that from anyone._

_He wants to meet John Ross; I know that Clint would love him. I bet that he would make a wonderful father someday. _

_My darling Clint has come back into my life, and as of this moment, I have found happiness._

Sue Ellen carefully tucked her diary in her bedside table. It held her innermost secrets, what she could never tell anyone, not even J.R.

"Hello Darlin'." J.R. entered the bedroom as he took off his tie.

"J.R."

"How are you feeling this evening?"

"Tired, I had a long afternoon."

"I noticed, what did you do today?"

"Oh well, I had another DOA luncheon."

"It must have been very exhausting."

"It was. How was your day?"

"I caught up on some business reading."

"You never stop working do you?"

"Sundays are a day to get ahead of everyone else."

Sue Ellen smiled at her husband as he entered the bed. She felt a touch of guilt for spending the entire afternoon with another man. In her heart, Sue Ellen felt that she should not feel any remorse for what she did; she simply did what her husband did: see other people. However, Sue Ellen wanted to be better than that, she did not want to be an adulterous wife. In the past, her affairs had only caused her pain and sadness. She hated lying to her husband, but there would be consequences if he discovered what she was doing. That was why he could never know her hidden secret. But what she did not know, was that he had a hidden secret of his own.


	6. Chapter 6: Anniversary Surprise

_June 21, 1968_

_I want to be swept off my feet by the man who loves me, just like in all of the romance novels. Where the hero takes the female in his arms and tells her she is the only woman in the world for him. I want to be breathless and amazed, told that I am special and wonderful. I want it all: the flowers, the romance, the passion._

_No matter how independent I become, I will never lose the need of being loved. When I'm with J.R., I feel like a princess. He is so wonderful to me. He calls me weekly, just to tell me that he misses me. And every time I come to Dallas, he takes me to the most wonderful places._

_He is different from Billy. Billy took me on exotic dates, but he never made me feel truly special. There was no passion or fire. No magic._

_I want someone who will tell me they love me each day, and will love me forever and always, and I think that J.R. could be the one._

J.R. had read that entry for the tenth time. Sue Ellen was so young, so hopeful. She believed in him and was willing to give him her whole heart if he would only take it. J.R. had changed her, she was no longer the hopeful and naïve girl that he met fourteen years ago, she was scarred, marked. She became colder, less trusting, unhappy. The only question left, was if the damage was permanent.

He wanted to rekindle the love they shared. But it had been so long ago, and how would he go about doing it? He had the perfect excuse: their ten-year anniversary. Aside from the impromptu surprise party, the couple had not celebrated the milestone.

No matter how J.R. tried, he could not get Sue Ellen out of his mind. It was beginning to show in his performance at Ewing Oil. Jock and Bobby were asking questions about J.R., whether or not he was feeling alright, and J.R. assured them he was. He was preoccupied with his Yellow Rose of Texas. Reading her diary entries showed him a side of her that he never bothered to notice. She was vulnerable, hopeful, caring, in search of love and never finding it.

_September 15, 1979_

_J.R. spent another night away from me. Tonight all I have is you, my darling diary. On nights like tonight, I wonder if J.R. truly loves me, if he truly cares about my feelings. I see Bobby and Pam together, and I cannot help but wonder why J.R. and I cannot be like that._

_I have made so many efforts to try and bring us closer together. I have made myself available in so many ways, and he shoots me down every time. I set myself up for a terrible fall, hoping to be caught by a man that is never there._

_I love him, diary, and he doesn't love me. All my life, those that I love have disappointed me. Daddy abandoned me, left me with __mamma__, who never cared about what I needed or wanted. __Kristin__ has become distant, ambitious, not like the little girl that used to cling to me on nights when she got lonely. Oh diary, I never thought I would see the day when I missed __Kristin__'s dependence on me. But I need to be needed by someone. Anyone. But J.R. doesn't need me; apparently, he does just fine by himself._

_No, that's not true. J.R. isn't by himself; he's with a different woman every night. Secretaries, business associates, prostitutes, anyone and everyone but me. _

_I am in the depths of despair. I have no child, no husband, and no life outside of Southfork. On nights like this, I wonder why I married him in the first place._

This particular entry was stained with tears. J.R. held the book in his hands as he slowly sipped a nightcap, facing another sleepless night. He wondered how he could have done this to her for so long: crush her, break her, disappoint her.

"J.R. what in the world are you doing up?"

"Mamma!" J.R. spun around, stunned to see his mother standing before him in her nightgown. "I was just having a nighttime drink."

Miss Ellie took a seat next to her firstborn. "Any reason why?"

J.R. didn't want to talk to his mother about his marriage to Sue Ellen. On several occasions, she had criticized his lack of attention toward the neglected beauty.

"It's Sue Ellen isn't it?" Miss Ellie gave her son a gentle smile.

"I've made a terrible mistake with her."

Miss Ellie smiled, happy that J.R. was finally beginning to see the error of his ways. "I was praying for the day that you would wake up and realize that."

"There's so much that's happened Mamma. I don't even know how she feels about me anymore."

"She loves you, Junior." J.R. shot his mother a questioning look. "A woman knows. She has stood by you for ten years, loving you, worshiping you, and receiving nothing in return."

"There is no way that I can make up for what I've done."

"J.R., the past is in the past. What matters now is the present. How do you feel about Sue Ellen? How do you feel about your wife?"

"I love her, Mamma. I loved her from day one, I just…"

"Took her for granted."

"She was always here."

"She may not be here forever."

"I know, that's what frightens me. What if she leaves?"

"Don't give her a reason to, there is still hope. But it won't be easy."

"I want to take her away for the weekend, just me and her, no work, no family. I want to tell her that I love her."

"That is a wonderful start J.R."

"I just hope I'm not too late."

J.R. spent days orchestrating the event. He would whisk her away for a weekend, no work, no other Ewing family members, nothing but the two of them. Recently he had seen a brochure for a weekend house on the beach. Sue Ellen always enjoyed the beach. He would profess his love for her and tell her that he would do anything to win her back.

He worked diligently at Ewing Oil, keeping late hours so that he could free up an entire weekend. Ewing Oil would not come first, not this time. Some things were more important than work, and Sue Ellen was one of them.

It was going to be a wonderful surprise; Sue Ellen wouldn't see it coming. He would sweep her off her feet and show her just what she meant to him. As far as J.R. was concerned, nothing could go wrong.

* * *

"You're so quiet today, Sue Ellen," Clint observed as he handed Sue Ellen a glass of water from his apartment fridge. Clint finally relented and found a place to stay in Dallas, a short lease, with an option to extend if the situation presented itself. Sue Ellen didn't know it, but Clint Ogden was falling in love with her all over again. Their brief moments together proved to be the highlight of his week. It was becoming more and more difficult to concentrate on his computer company. All of his thoughts were focused on Sue Ellen. What was she doing today? Was she happy? How was J.R. treating her? He wanted to tell her; tell her that he loved her very much, that he would give up his company and move to Dallas just to be with her. Even if she could not leave J.R., Clint wanted a part of her; he was willing to accept the fact that Sue Ellen was trapped in a marriage with obligations. He would settle for whatever she could give him. Even if they met in secret, being with Sue Ellen was enough. Knowing that she reciprocated his feelings was enough to satisfy him for the rest of his life. He felt terrible for letting her go years ago. He had nothing to offer her. No money, title, or property. Love was not enough to keep the two together. But things were different now; Clint was an established businessman, who could offer her everything that J.R. could and more.

He didn't see J.R. as a threat to him in the battle for Sue Ellen's affections. From what Sue Ellen told him, the marriage was dead, it was a marriage of convenience. J.R. needed a wife and mother for his son, and Sue Ellen needed a provider and a father for her son. It was a marriage full of appearance and deception, unknown to everyone but them. Clint often longed to see the couple behind closed doors, to see their relationship up close.

J.R. was not his biggest concern. His problem was Sue Ellen. She was a vulnerable and wounded woman. A woman struggling to overcome her many demons: alcoholism, worthlessness, hopelessness. How would she take his declaration of love? Would she run away from him in fear? Would she laugh in his face? Or would she tell him that she felt the same way? Clint was not ready to risk his relationship with Sue Ellen. Things were going so well between the two, the slightest movement might destroy it forever. Clint was a patient man, and Sue Ellen was worth the wait, no matter how long it took.

"My anniversary to J.R. is this week."

"I thought you already celebrated the anniversary?"

"It was a surprise party. If it was on the anniversary, someone would have gotten suspicious."

"So that's why parties are planned early," Clint laughed, trying to break the tension.

"Exactly." Sue Ellen let out a tiny smile. "I was thinking about my relationship with J.R. How it's evolved, or rather, devolved over the years. What I wouldn't give to travel back fourteen years, to our initial courtship."

"You were very happy?"

"The happiest I have ever been."

Clint was stung by this comment, not being able to imagine her happy with J.R., with anyone else but him. She met J.R. directly after they ended their relationship. For Clint, time spent with Sue Ellen was precious, the happiest moments of his life. He was surprised at how hurt he was to realize that Sue Ellen preferred J.R. over him. Was it the money? The power? The Ewing name? His charisma? What did J.R. have that Clint didn't. He couldn't imagine Sue Ellen as the gold digging type, going after men for their money. If she were, then why would she have stayed with him? No, there had to be more the money and the name that drew Sue Ellen to J.R.

If J.R. hadn't stolen Sue Ellen away from him, then Billy Frampton would have. Billy had more money and power then J.R. But Clint knew that Sue Ellen was not found of Billy. It was out of obligation to her mother that she went out with him.

"If I could freeze time in those moments, I would have,' Sue Ellen said ruefully.

Clint was beginning to become agitated with the direction of the conversation. He didn't want to spend his precious moments with Sue Ellen rehashing the highlights of her relationship with J.R. "If you knew then, what you knew now, would you have married him?" He was being more curt and abrupt then he intended to be, but he wanted to know about Sue Ellen and J.R. now, not back in the old days.

Sue Ellen flinched. She was more surprised by Clint's tone then his question, though both were shocking. "I regret so many of the years that J.R. and I spent as husband and wife."

"You didn't answer my question, Sue Ellen." Clint reached out for her hand, an apology for his previous attitude.

"You're asking me if I would have given up everything that happened in the past ten years?"

"Would you have been willing to submit your life to a miserable marriage?"

The words _miserable marriage_ struck a chord with Sue Ellen. Her marriage had not always been unhappy. There were moments, dispersed within the past decade that Sue Ellen enjoyed and relished. Those were the memories that kept her going. She still hoped for a glimpse of a promising moment with J.R. No fighting, accusations, manipulations, lies, or deceptions. Just two people, a husband and wife, in love and wanting to be with one another. To call the entire marriage miserable seemed harsh, though Sue Ellen herself had thought the marriage to be unhappy and unfulfilling. To hear someone else describe her marriage in such a negative way burned Sue Ellen. Clint was accusing her of making poor life decisions. Sue Ellen prided herself on common sense and good decision-making. Sue Ellen was convinced that when she married J.R. in February of 1971, that she was making the right decision. True, she didn't know the road ahead of her, but how could she? Would she have been willing to trade everything that happened in the past decade to erase her marriage to J.R.? No, she wouldn't. In her heart, though she would never say it out loud, she believed that J.R. was a good and loving person. Sue Ellen had seen it with her own eyes. She could never give up on her husband. No matter what he did or said, part of her would always be drawn to him. Her staying at Southfork was more than just an obligation to John Ross or Miss Ellie. She believed that she belonged with J.R., despite everything. There were plenty of reasons why she should leave him: his cheating, lying, neglecting, emotional abuse. J.R. made Sue Ellen miserable on most days, but she loved him. She loved him without knowing if he loved her.

"I would never trade the ten years I have spent as J.R.'s wife," Sue Ellen said confidently.

"How can you say that?" Clint's eye's opened wide in astonishment. _Was she putting on an act, pretending to be a happy housewife. She doesn't have to pretend, not with me. _

"Clint, every marriage has good and bad days." Sue Ellen held onto Clint's hands for support. "I'm sure that you noticed this with Alice."

"I never mistreated her."

Sue Ellen was beginning to get fed up with Clint's jibs and insults to her marriage. "I have chosen to stay with J.R., you know my reasons and I want you to respect them."

"I care too much for you to see you get hurt." The words feel out of Clint's lips before he could take them back.

"You care for me?"

"As a friend of course," Clint stammered. "I would never want to see a friend get hurt."

"Well then as my friend," Sue Ellen began, trying to soften her tone, "I want you to respect my decisions. You don't have to agree with the path that I've chosen for my life, but if you want us to remain friends…"

"I can't keep criticizing J.R."

"He has good qualities."

"You've mentioned that he is a good father."

"And he is very sweet when he wants to be. As a matter of fact, these past few weeks, he's been very kind to me. He asks me how my day is, he comes home at night, he seems happy to see me."

"And how long do you suppose that will last?" Clint questioned.

"I try to enjoy it for as long as I can."

"Is that the kind of marriage you dreamed of, with a husband who sporadically treats you with decency?"

"Clint," Sue Ellen began, "whether you like him or not, he's my husband."

"And you're his wife."

"And that won't change."

"Are you sure about that Sue Ellen?"

"If I were to leave him, I would have left a long time ago," Sue Ellen sighed. She carefully sipped her water. "I want you to stop finding with fault with my husband. You've never met him. How can you hate someone you don't even know."

"I see what he has done to you, and it frightens me. You are not the same woman that you were in college."

"And you're not the same man. People change, Clint. Life takes its course, and we go along with it."

"I don't want to lose our friendship." Clint reached for her hand, hoping for a truce.

"Me neither." A silver smile creased across Sue Ellen's face. "You have no idea what your friendship means to me. On some days, I feel like you're the only thing keeping me sane."

Clint forced a smile on his face. She was only interested in his friendship, which was all he was to her. She didn't view him as a lover or a husband, he was a confidant, a comrade. How could he tell her what he felt in his heart without driving her away?

"You'll never lose me Sue Ellen, even when I go back to California."

"Speaking of California, do you know when you'll be leaving?"

"Not in the near future. I still can't find the right man to head my operation in Dallas."

"When the right person comes, you'll know."

_You are the right person for me Sue Ellen, but I have no way of telling you._ "I suppose you're right.

* * *

Sue Ellen Ewing loved mornings at Southfork. The sunrise, the peace, the promise of a new day and a new beginning. She slowly opened her eyes and caught a glimpse of the sun guarding the ranch, protecting the property with its rays. _Today is a day for staying in bed_ she mused as she snuggled deeper under the covers. Turning on her side, a bright object caught her eye. On J.R.'s pillow lay a single yellow rose from Miss Ellie's garden, with a small note attached to it. She fingered the petals, each one contributed to the shape of the flower in its own unique way.

_Happy tenth anniversary Sue Ellen. Love J.R._

Sue Ellen was touched that J.R. remembered the weekend of their anniversary. Now she was certain that something was different about her husband. Whether it was in the way he pulled out her chair at dinner, or the way he kept his hand at the small of her back during cocktails, something was different about her husband. Was there something wrong? Did he need to rely on her for comfort as he had when things became rough? Sue Ellen had always there for her husband when he needed her. Whether it was for talking or intimacy, Sue Ellen loved being there for her husband. She felt needed, the feeling of knowing that she could make J.R. feel better warmed her heart and gave her peace.

A gentle knock at the door tore Sue Ellen away from her thoughts. "Come in."

"Happy anniversary, Honey." J.R. entered the room carrying a silver tray that placed on the bed.

"J.R., I thought you would have been at the office by now?"

"I'm taking a day off. Actually, the weekend off."

"Really?"

"Why don't you open the tray and have breakfast. I'm sure you're hungry."

Sue Ellen carefully lifted the lid, what was underneath took her breath away: a black velvet jewelry box.

"J.R.," she breathed.

"I hope you like it."

Thumbing the fabric, she lifted the box open and viewed a silver bracelet. "Oh."

"Allow me." He sat on the bed and carefully placed the gift on his wife's arm. "For our silver anniversary."

Sue Ellen couldn't speak. She gazed at her husband, surprised by his impulsive action. "It's lovely," she murmured, pulling her husband in a hug.

"That's only the beginning."

"Beginning of what J.R?"

"Teresa packed a bag for you this weekend. We're going on a vacation."

The couple had never gone away for a weekend. J.R. was always too busy to spend time with his wife. "The whole weekend?" she asked, giving him a quizzical, confused look.

"It's been a long time since we were alone together," J.R. said gently, sensing his wife's apprehension towards the plans.

Sue Ellen looked down at the comforter, afraid to meet her husband in the eye. "Yes it has."

"And we haven't had a chance to celebrate our ten year anniversary properly."

"The party was plenty," Sue Ellen muttered, wondering why J.R. was so anxious to go away.

"That party," he began, taking her hand, "was a celebration with family and friends. I was hoping for something more intimate," J.R. smiled.

Sue Ellen raised her eyes to meet her husband, "Can you stand being away from Ewing Oil for two days?"

"No Ewing Oil, no DOA, nothing but each other."

"You really mean that?"

"I do."

Sue Ellen gave her husband a small smile. _If he really wants to reconcile our marriage, then who am I to stand in his way._ "Where are you taking me?"

"That, my dear, is all part of the surprise." J.R. let out a hearty laugh, holding onto his wife, believing that there was a glimmer of hope for the couple. Maybe he hadn't lost her yet.

* * *

The drive to the Texas coast proved uneventful, J.R. wanted everything about the weekend to be perfect. There would be nighttime walks on the beach, swimming, talking, bonding. He had so much more to learn about his wife. He relished the diary entries that he read each day, filling in the gaps of Sue Ellen's childhood and teen years. Yet the guilt continued to plague him. What if Sue Ellen discovered his actions? Would she leave him? Never trust him again?

"It's so beautiful," Sue Ellen breathed as J.R. opened her car door, extending an arm. Sue Ellen gladly took it, grateful for a weekend away with her husband. If he had suggested this a month ago, Sue Ellen would have been upset, but now… things could be different. She had hope.

J.R. and Sue Ellen walked arm and arm into the beach house. It was a one-story cottage, filled with every necessary amenity for a Honeymooning couple.

"We should have done this years ago," J.R. said as he lovingly placed Sue Ellen on the king size bed.

"We can make up for lost time," Sue Ellen smiled, pulling her husband onto the bed. And for the first time in months, the couple removed all boundaries and became one with each other.

* * *

Miss Ellie prepared for a quiet evening at Southfork. Her thoughts drifted to her eldest son and his wife. Sue Ellen was not the only one who noticed a change in J.R. over the past few weeks. It made Miss Ellie happy to notice that her son was finally paying attention to his neglected wife. She wanted to believe that he could do right by her, love her and honor her. Now maybe he could.

Still, the thought of an empty ranch bothered her. Miss Ellie knew she was aging and could be as active as she once was. Her favorite moments were talking with her two daughters-in-law. Sue Ellen was doing a wonderful job of taking the reins from Miss Ellie, controlling the DOA, taking care of the house. She had hoped that Pamela would show an interest in ranch life but Pamela was sinking deeper and deeper into her depression. The oldest Mrs. Ewing talked to her son about sending Pamela away for treatment. Life at Southfork was making the situation worse, and something had to be done for the young woman… before it became too late.

* * *

The waves of the ocean echoed in the ears of Mr. and Mrs. Ewing as they strolled along the beach. After spending several hours alone together, J.R. felt that it was time that he laid out all of his cards on the table, and opened up to the love of his life.

"Sue Ellen," J.R. pulled his wife onto the sand as the two watched the sunset. "I've made a terrible mistake."

_Here it comes_ Sue Ellen thought. _He is having business problems again, and he needs me for comfort. But for how long?_

"Sue Ellen, I've been a terrible husband."

This was not what she was expecting at all. Sue Ellen looked down, not wanting to show the fear in her eyes. The day was going so perfectly.

"I've taken you for granted as a wife and a partner. I've never fully appreciated what you do for me, or how much you mean to me."

Sue Ellen had waited for this moment for years. For J.R. to realize that he loved her, and that it was okay to rely on her and let his guard down.

"I love you," she whispered in a voice so soft only he could hear. He leaned into her, pulling her body against his as he turned his face towards hers, kissing her cheek, remembering every part of her that he missed and longed for, relishing in accomplishing another goal

"I don't deserve you, Darlin'. You've given me so many chances over the years, so many opportunities, and I ruined all of them."

"J.R." A single tear feel down her cheek.

"Honey," J.R, wiped at her tear with his fingertips, "I don't want to lose you. You mean the world to me. And I am never ever letting you go again."

* * *

Clint Ogden spent yet another lonely night in his mostly empty apartment. Accompanied with a bottle of wine and an old college yearbook, he took a trip down memory lane, recalling his glory days, with Sue Ellen. At Texas University, they were the golden couple. He was the lucky person that had Sue Ellen Shepard, reigning campus queen. She was so young, only a sophomore, yet she incurred the jealousy of seniors, stunned that any young female student could steal their spotlight. But Sue Ellen did steal the spotlight. She excelled in college, inside and out. Clint truly believed that if Sue Ellen wanted, she could have had anything she ever wanted. But she settled for being Mrs. J.R. Ewing.

He fighted the urge to call her, wanting desperately to hear her voice. He could never call her at Southfork without J.R. finding out. Clint wondered if she was as lonely as he was, whether she was thinking of him.

* * *

Sue Ellen ducked into the kitchen, inhaling the strong scent of morning coffee. Last night was truly one of the greatest nights of her life, one that would go in her diary. For the first time in years, she was able to connect with J.R. She thought of the years apart from one another, all of that wasted time that she could never get back.

"I would have gotten the coffee, Honey." J.R. wrapped his arms around his wife.

"I figured you would be too tired from last night." Sue Ellen carried the mugs to the outdoor patio. "I missed you."

"Not nearly as much as I missed you, Darlin'."

"J.R", Sue Ellen began, letting the coffee warm her mouth, "when did you first know that we were meant to be together."

J.R. smiled as he kissed his wife. "The very first time we met, at the beauty pageant, I just knew that you were special and that I was going to spend the rest of my life loving you."

"We didn't even speak."

"We didn't have to. Sue Ellen, it was fireworks, I had to meet you that night, you were all that I could think about."

"And somehow you found me again and again."

"I always get what I want, Honey. That includes you."

"I was always yours J.R, you just never wanted me."

Sue Ellen looked down at the ground.

"What is it, Honey?"

"J.R., we've had so many problems in the past…"

"Sue Ellen, I promise you things will be different. You and John Ross are the most important people in my life, and I don't want to live without either one of you." He tilted her chin up. "We will grow old and happy together. That's a promise."

Sue Ellen smiled at him. "A promise worth keeping." The Texas beauty stood up. "We should go and pack, Miss Ellie wants us home by dinner."

The loving couple ventured into the bedroom.

"I don't want to leave anything behind," Sue Ellen noted as she carefully scanned the room for any missing articles."

"I had a wonderful time, Darlin'."

"That makes two of us." Sue Ellen wrapped her arms around her husband as she nuzzled his neck.

"We'll do this again real soon."

A tiny smile crossed Sue Ellen's lips. She wondered just how serious J.R. was about reconciliation. He had a great deal to make up for. Her tiny fingers turned the pillows, checking for any item left behind. Her fingers crossed over a small book. A book that Sue Ellen hadn't seen in years. The cover was worn with age, the pages a light yellow hue. At one point in time, this little book had been her very best friend. "My diary," she breathed. Sue Ellen looked into J.R.'s blue eyes. "How did you get a hand on my diary?"

A desperate look crossed J.R.'s face. "Honey, it's not what you think."

"What are you doing with my old diary?"

"Sue Ellen…"

"This book belongs to me! How could you?" Tears began to fill Sue Ellen's eyes.

"Darlin'," J.R. pulled her towards him.

Sue Ellen's voice began to waver. The last thing she wanted was to lose her strength, but she felt so weak. Just a moment ago, J.R. held her in his arms, promising her a new beginning. "Where did you get this?"

"From the attic."

Sue Ellen pulled away from J.R.'s grip. He wanted to hold her, but he knew he had to let her go. "Why would you do this to me?"

"Honey, it isn't that bad."

"Isn't that bad!" Sue Ellen threw the book down with s smack. "Of course, this is no big deal compared to all of your other deceptions."

J.R. hung his head low; once again he had been caught.

"You betrayed my trust, you once again used me to get what you want."

"Let me explain…"

"You bastard!" Sue Ellen slapped J.R. across the face, leaving a harsh red mark.

J.R. gently rubbed the reddish area on his cheek, stunned by her action. "Sue Ellen!" he called out, running after her as she darted through the sand. He caught up with her and pulled her hands into his.

"I trusted you," she cried. "I believed that you had changed, that you were a different person."

"Sue Ellen, the only thing I was after was you. I love you."

"You have a cruel way of showing it, J.R. When did you love me the most, when you were cheating on me, or when you were lying to me!"

J.R. couldn't speak. He had hurt her once again, broken her heart and destroyed her trust.

"I will never forgive you for this J.R.," Sue Ellen said as she climbed into the passenger side of the car, waiting to go home.

J.R. silently drove back to Southfork, realizing that he had destroyed another chance of happiness with his wife, wondering if he would ever have another chance with her again.


	7. Chapter 7: Declarations

Chapter 7: Declarations

The weekend away with J.R. left Sue Ellen in a frenzy. How could she have been blind for so long? How could she defend J.R. to Clint, when everything he said was true, or close to the truth? How could she have fallen in love with a man that never once considered how is actions affected her, or the people around him. How many times had he stabbed a colleague in the back with a bad business deal, or split up his brother's marriage.

What made matters worse, was that Sue Ellen had no one to talk to. To try and explain her problems with J.R. to Miss Ellie would only cause the elderly woman grief, the last thing Sue Ellen wanted. Sue Ellen could never confide in her DOA ladies. They still believed the fantasy that Sue Ellen and J.R. were a happily married couple. Revealing the truth to them, would start a vicious line of gossip, something that Sue Ellen couldn't live with.

Then there was Pamela. Pam knew J.R.'s dirty history, of his bad dealings and his frequent affairs. But there were still so many boundaries between the two Mrs. Ewing's. Sue Ellen never apologized for her icy attitude with her in the beginning. Sue Ellen deeply regretted the way she acted, realizing now that she could have found a best friend and ally in the Ewing family. There was also Pam's mental state to consider. Pam continued to have difficulty going about her day, putting her miscarriages in the past. Talking to Pam about her own problems, would make the newest Ewing wife sick.

Sue Ellen didn't feel like confiding in her niece Lucy. For one, Lucy openly hated J.R. for the way that he attempted to split her parents apart. Sue Ellen had tried over the years to explain to the girl that J.R. did what he thought was best for the family, but even she had a difficult time believing that J.R. acted in the family's interest. Fortunately for Lucy, and her parents, Gary and Valene, J.R. was no longer an issue. The middle Ewing son took his new wife and moved to California, a move that hurt Lucy and Ellie.

Sue Ellen was never close with the Ewing granddaughter, and that was just as much her fault as it was Lucy's. During Sue Ellen's early years at Southfork, she attempted to mold Lucy into a proper lady, but that drove the little spitfire away. She held so much resentment over losing her mother and father, believing that she was unloved by the family, and spent more time acting out then following orders. One of her favorite pastimes was torturing Sue Ellen, reminding her of J.R.'s little hobbies. Sue Ellen wasn't the only Ewing bride hit by Hurricane Lucy, Pam received a beating when she first moved onto the ranch with Bobby. Lucy was convinced that Pam would be thrown off the ranch within months, and openly told her so, resisting Pam's maternal instincts to care for and be the mother that she never had. Somehow, Pam warmed Lucy's heart, showing her the good in the Ewing family, and that life would be easier if she stopped harboring resentment over past history.

_There has to be someone to talk to about this _Sue Ellen mused as she carefully prepared for another DOA meeting. Sue Ellen hadn't touched her diary since she discovered J.R. reading it. A diary wasn't enough of a confidant for Sue Ellen. What she needed was a blood person to talk to. Yet when she boiled it down, Sue Ellen had no true friends to talk to. The woman who was hailed as the 'social queen' of Dallas was completely and utterly alone. She had no one to blame for that but herself. Sue Ellen knew she was somewhat of a snob, believing herself to be superior to her peers, though to be fair, she had begun to slowly open up to others, letting the cold shell that was once her shield dissolve. At least the work would occupy her thoughts.

The meeting was a resounding success, a small bright spot in Sue Ellen's life. She had more than made up her for her previous indiscretions and was now once again found favor and admiration in the eyes of her fellow southern belles. It hurt Sue Ellen to humiliate herself in front of Dallas society, people who were undoubtedly judging her and looking at her with contempt. The road to recovery wasn't easy, but Sue Ellen made it through the woods in one piece, proving her high value once again.

Sue Ellen wondered how to recover from J.R.'s recent blow. If J.R. would stoop so low as to invade her private thoughts, what else was he capable of? He had tried several times to defend his behavior, saying that he only read the books because he thought he was going to lose her forever. _He wouldn't have had to worry about losing me if he had been a proper husband._

Seeing Dr. Simon Elby was a last resort option for the Texan wife. The man was a miracle worker for Sue Ellen after John Ross was born, but now Sue Ellen felt that she no longer needed professional help, that going to him would be a step backwards in her goal towards working on self-reliance.

The only other person in the world that Sue Ellen could talk to was Clint Ogden. She hadn't seen him since she left for the Texas coastline. She ignored his pleas for a meeting and chose a new route to avoid him. _He was right about J.R. the entire time. He never intended to be a loving husband. I could have been anyone to him, he was just looking for a wife, and I was crazy enough to accept._

Sue Ellen had to look towards the future regarding her relationship with her husband. Ignoring him was not a sufficient long-term plan. They lived under the same roof, ate dinner together, had drinks together, shared a bed together. She still played the part of the loving wife at parties and gatherings. But now she was more distant from J.R., though the average onlooker wouldn't see it.

"Sue Ellen." The gentle but constant voice of Miss Eleanor Southworth Ewing awoke Sue Ellen from her thoughts. The DOA meeting came to a close and Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie slowly picked up the pieces from another afternoon of activism and socializing.

"Yes, Miss Ellie." Sue Ellen presented her finest southern smile, trying to mask her broken heart.

"Would you like a cup of tea?"

Sue Ellen's heart slowly lifted. "I would like that very much Miss Ellie. Shall I get Pamela?"

"No, dear. I want us to have some time by ourselves." Miss Ellie walked into the kitchen, an obedient Sue Ellen following. The elderly woman methodically started the teapot as she set cups out in the sitting room.

"Is anything wrong Miss Ellie?" Sue Ellen questioned, praying that she wasn't giving anything away.

Miss Ellie handed Sue Ellen her cup as the two sat down in the large easy chairs. "How are things with you and J.R., Sue Ellen?"

Sue Ellen turned a tiny shade of red, chastising herself for losing her composure. "Things are fine, Miss Ellie." Sue Ellen smiled broadly, hoping to throw Miss Ellie off, yet knowing in her heart that no one could fool Ellie Ewing.

"You know that I would never pry into your relationship with J.R., but lately you've seemed so unhappy."

"It shows?" Sue Ellen looked down, unable to control her embarrassment and unhappiness. Who else knew of her sadness?

"You forget that I've seen you and J.R. from the beginning."

"Then you know that J.R. and I have never been happy as husband and wife." Sue Ellen sipped her tea, feeling a weight lifted off her shoulders. The woman looked into her mother-in-law's eyes.

"I do realize that, and I am very sorry. I had hoped after weekend together, things would have improved. That all you two needed was time alone together. But you seem more unhappy than ever before."

"Miss Ellie, let me assure you that I am perfectly capable of handling my relationship with your son."

"You've done a wonderful job over the past few years of making a mark in the marriage. You haven't shied away from your responsibilities, and I applaud you for that. But I do not want to see you or J.R. unhappy. Did something happen on the coast?"

Sue Ellen wanted desperately to tell Miss Ellie the truth. That her husband had deceived her, gone behind her back and betrayed her trust. But as always, Sue Ellen had difficulty admitting her weaknesses, her problems with others. No matter how much they cared about her. "Nothing happened, Miss Ellie."

"I want you to know that you're husband loves you very much."

Sue Ellen shifted in her chair, unsure of where the conversation was headed. "How can you tell?"

"He carefully planned that weekend for you two. He told me that he loves you very much, and I believe him."

Sue Ellen looked down in her fingertips. "He's told me he loves me before, dozens of times, only to take it away whenever he feels like it."

"You need to give him a proper chance."

"Miss Ellie!" Sue Ellen said sharply, forgetting for one brief moment who she was speaking to, "if you knew about all of the chances I have given your son, and all of the heartbreak that he has caused me, then you would see things differently." With those final words, Sue Ellen stood up and left the Ewing matriarch bewildered at her friend's sharp tongue. _Perhaps it really is too late_ she mused as she arose from her seat.

Sue Ellen hopped into her car and drove into town, blinded with guilt by the way things ended with Miss Ellie. She knew that she meant well by trying to talk to her about J.R., but Sue Ellen finally snapped, after days of holding the nightmarish weekend to herself. _This is what happens to people when they bottle up their emotions and problems and refuse to let anyone in. _Sue Ellen decided to apologize to Miss Ellie after an afternoon of shopping. Right now, all she wanted was to get away from everyone.

Shoes were Sue Ellen's biggest fashion weakness, a fact that J.R. would tease her about while they were courting. While thumbing through the shelves, Sue Ellen felt an eerily familiar touch on her arm.

"You haven't returned my calls, Sue Ellen."

"Clint." Sue Ellen formed a soft smile, a little relieved to see the man before her. "I've been terribly busy."

"So busy that you decided to cut me out?"

"Clint, I could never cut you out."

"Then come to dinner with me tomorrow night."

"Dinner?" Most of their clandestine meetings took place in the afternoon. J.R. hated it when Sue Ellen wasn't home for dinner.

"We haven't seen each other in a long time; I think that earns me a dinner."

Sue Ellen blushed. "What will I tell my family?"

"Tell them that you ran into an old friend that you haven't seen in a long time and are getting reacquainted with him."

"They won't be happy."

"What do you have to come home to?" Clint asked, taking Sue Ellen's hand in his. "Can you spare me one evening?"

Sue Ellen knew that she had nothing waiting for her at home, except for an apologetic husband that she was ready to give up on. "Nothing, Clint, tomorrow is fine. Where shall I meet you?"

"At my apartment."

"You're cooking?" Sue Ellen asked incredulously.

"Not quite, I'm catering. I just want with you by myself, no restaurateurs or onlookers."

"A private party."

"Very private. Is six alright with you."

"I can't wait," Sue Ellen smiled.

* * *

J.R. didn't come home for dinner that night, which bothered Sue Ellen more then she was willing to admit. _Has he finally given up 'loving me' and gone back to his many mistresses. _

"Mamma," John Ross cried, stirring Sue Ellen from her thoughts. She truly loved the time that she spent with John Ross, he was indeed the light of her life. The child was so young, so innocent, unknowing of the cruel world that befell him. She was determined to keep him as happy as she could, he had already seen more than his share of pain, and she believed that she had months of making up to do.

"You know John Ross, you remind me of your daddy." The boy smiled at his mother. "Yes you do, you have the same pale blue eyes, the same nose…" Sue Ellen trailed off, hugging her son close to her. _The one good thing that came from my relationship with J.R._ A single tear fell from her cheek and onto her nightgown. Why, after all of this time, did she still let him get to her? How did he hold this power over her, and was there any way to stop it?

"Darlin'," J.R. called as he opened the door to the nursery.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen breathed, startled by her husband's presence. "I didn't hear you come in."

"Late night at the office. Bobby and daddy are staying in town tonight."

"And you chose to come home?" Sue Ellen asked incredulously.

"I want to talk to you, Sue Ellen."

She didn't know whether it was the fact that she was seeing Clint the next day, the time she spent with John Ross, or the way Miss Ellie told her that he loved her, but Sue Ellen was finally ready to listen. Kissing her baby goodnight, she followed J.R. into the bedroom.

J.R. brushed his hand over his wife's shoulder as she climbed into bed. "No, J.R." Sue Ellen pulled away, creating a distance between the two. "Start from the beginning, and I want the truth."

"Sue Ellen," J.R. began nervously. He felt as though he were on trial for a heinous crime, which is exactly what he did. His intentions were pure, but once again, his covert actions got in the way. "Over the past few months, I've realized how much I love you." Sue Ellen said nothing, so J.R. took it as a sign that he could continue. "I've taken advantage of you in so many ways, created a distance between us. We became husband and wife in name only, and that isn't what I want. All I wanted was to win you back, Sue Ellen."

"How did the diaries fit into this J.R.?" Sue Ellen asked. She couldn't look at her husband, she was too afraid.

"Sue Ellen, I realized that I knew nothing about the woman that I've shared my bed with for the last ten years."

"And I suppose you blame me for that?"

"Honey, I don't blame you for anything. I never took the time to truly know you, Sue Ellen. After the wedding day, I knew that you would always be here so…"

"You left me alone." Sue Ellen continued to look at the bedspread. "Go on."

"I wanted to know more about you, I wanted to know about your past, your present, everything."

"Why didn't you ask!" Sue Ellen demanded sharply. "Why did you go behind my back?"

"Would you have listened to me if I tried to talk to you?"

"Yes, I would have." Sue Ellen's voice began to break. Clearly, her husband underestimated her undying affection for him. Why else would she have stayed on at Southfork as his wife for so long? "J.R.," Sue Ellen found the courage to look at her husband, "I loved you from the minute I saw you. And when you asked me to marry you, I vowed to honor and love you for the rest of my life. And I have J.R., I have. Only you haven't noticed." Sue Ellen began to cry, no longer able to hold the past ten years inside of her.

J.R. wrapped his arms around her, Sue Ellen burying her face in his chest. "Honey, you don't know how sorry I am for neglecting you. If I could erase the last ten years and start over, I would. I was too stupid and vain to see how much you loved me, how much I loved you." Sue Ellen looked up at her husband as he brushed the tears away from her eyes. "All I want is to be your husband, in every sense of the word."

"Do you know how long I've waited for this J.R.?" Sue Ellen slowly pulled away. "How many nights I have spent praying that you would come and realize that I loved you more than anything in the world, and that you would take notice of me? How many tears I have shed from sleeping in a lonely bed, knowing that you were seeking the comfort of other women, or your work. God, J.R., ever since I married you, Ewing Oil has been your number one priority. Nothing came before the company, not even your family. J.R., I admire your ambition, you get the job done, but at the expense of others, namely me. I hoped that you would eventually distance yourself a little more from Ewing Oil when Bobby came on as an executive, but the opposite happened. You became competitive, cutthroat. There was no way of getting to you."

J.R. looked down, ashamed of what he had done to the striking beauty before him. "Sue Ellen, I am sorry. I'm asking you for another chance."

"It's not that simple J.R." Sue Ellen edged herself off the bed, putting on a bathrobe. "You can't just tell me you love me, and make the bad memories go away. I have loved you unconditionally from the very beginning, and you couldn't have cared less." Sue Ellen angrily picked up a pillow, hurling it at her husband. "DAMN YOU J.R.!" The young woman collapsed on the floor, shaking. J.R. jumped out of bed to aide his wife. He knelt down on the floor, taking her hands in his.

"I love you."

"Your love has a tendency to fluctuate J.R. You have told me you've loved me before, at times when you truly needed me. And I was there. But when you left, it was like a knife through my heart. When will you pull out your knife again?"

"Never."

"I don't know if I believe that."

"Sue Ellen, don't let the past destroy our future."

Sue Ellen slowly stood up. "I can't be with you right now J.R." Keeping her eyes ahead of her, Sue Ellen walked out the bedroom door and into the guestroom across from the room that she and J.R. shared, the room where she spent so many nights alone. Crawling into the unfamiliar bed, she snuggled deep in the stiff, unused comforter. J.R. said everything that Sue Ellen ever wanted to hear, but could she believe him? Could he go the distance with her, not for now but for always? Sue Ellen sobbed, not caring if anyone in the house heard her. What was she going to do now?

* * *

Clint Ogden took great pains to make his dinner date with Sue Ellen perfect. Tonight – for better or for worse – he was going to tell her exactly how he felt about her, lay his heart on the line, and offer to stay in Dallas permanently if she felt anything at all for him.

The dinner was a gourmet feast, with plenty to choose from. Tonight he spared no expense. Clint remembered Sue Ellen's favorite sparkling water, and her favorite music. The room was filled with flowers and a candlelight table in the center. He wondered if he was doing too much or trying too hard, but he refused to second-guess himself, that was how he lost her in the first place.

A demure knock at the door made Clint shake the tiniest bit. He was nervous to say the least. He had no idea how she felt about him, or how she would react tonight.

"Hello, Sue Ellen."

"Clint," Sue Ellen said softly, still shaken from last night's nightmare. Sue Ellen stayed in the guest bedroom during breakfast, not bothering to eat or drink. She had heard J.R.'s familiar voice throughout the day. He had decided to stay at home, in case Sue Ellen came out to talk to him. Right now, she was all that mattered to him. But J.R. had no way of proving that to his long-suffering wife. _She has every reason to doubt my sincerity_ J.R. admitted as he looked longingly at the closed door. There were many terms that could describe the infamous J.R. Ewing, and 'quitter' wasn't one of them.

"Sue Ellen," Clint exclaimed as he removed her coat, "you are white as a sheet." He led her to a chair. "What happened at the house? Did you get into a fight with J.R.?"

Sue Ellen took a slow look at her surroundings. Clint had done so much to make the night special for both of them, and Sue Ellen was not going to give him a hard time. "The place looks lovely, Clint."

"Sue Ellen if you aren't up for this we can postpone…"

"I have nowhere else to go tonight," Sue Ellen said firmly. "I have been looking forward to my dinner date with you all evening."

"If you're sure," Clint said hesitantly.

"Absolutely." Sue Ellen smiled at her host. "You must have been working on this for hours." Sue Ellen gracefully traced a lilac that rested in a vase. "I'm not worth it."

"You are to me, Sue Ellen." Clint coughed, sensing that now was the time to make his move with Sue Ellen.

"Oh, Clint, you will never know how much I value our days together. Sometimes, you're the only thing that keeps me going. And I'm very sorry for not contacting you sooner, but I've had a lot on my mind."

"Care to elaborate," Clint stalled, hoping that the words would come at the appropriate time.

"Why not? I tell you most everything anyway," Sue Ellen laughed. "So much has happened over the past week that I don't know where to begin. "J.R…" Sue Ellen began to falter. She spent the day distancing herself from him, but it was to no avail. Even when they were apart, he controlled her.

"He hurt you again." Clint began to turn a light shade of purple. _How dare he abuse this wonderful woman?_

"It started so well. We went away together for an anniversary weekend."

"He took time away from Ewing Oil to be with you?"

"It surprised me too. To make a long story short, I discovered that he has been secretly reading my old diaries, everything from my youth up to adulthood."

Clint flinched at the audacity of Mr. J.R. Ewing. Clint knew all about Sue Ellen's diaries in college, and always wanted to know what she had to say about him, but he never dared to peek inside and read the intimate contents. Jealousy overcame Clint like a tidal wave; why wasn't he Sue Ellen's husband?

"Anyway," Sue Ellen continued, "you were right about him all along. Clint, everything you said about him proved to be true." Sue Ellen went no further, not telling Clint about J.R.'s confession.

"Sue Ellen, you have been through so much." He pulled her in a soft embrace, and to his utter shock, she didn't fight him. It felt so different for her to be in the arms of another man. Hr most recent affair was Dusty, and that had ended a year ago. Dusty's death taught her to never enter an affair too lightly, because in the end, she would be hurt more than J.R.

"You know sometimes I wonder, what would have happened if you never left for the army, and I never participated in the Miss Texas pageant." Sue Ellen looked into Clint's dull grey eyes. When she looked close enough, she saw a ray of light within them.

Clint perked up at hearing these words. Maybe, just maybe, there was hope for him after all. "And what do you think?"

"It never would have worked Clint. We were two very different people, looking for different things in life." Sue Ellen pulled away from Clint and back to her seat, oblivious of Clint's hurt reaction.

"I still think you deserve better then J.R. He doesn't deserve you."

"I think you're right."

"Any man would be lucky to have you Sue Ellen." It was now or never for Clint. "You should be with the type of man who enjoys every night that he gets to spend with you. Where the first thing he says in the morning is 'I love you Sue Ellen.'" He was gaining courage. "Someone who will look at you not as a trophy wife, but as a life partner. The other half of his heart, without whom, he would be empty." He reached out and took her hand, keeping a steady gaze on her. "Someone, who sees every quality you have, and would never change a thing, because they know in their heart that you are perfect exactly the way you are. You deserve love, in its purest sense."

Sue Ellen looked at Clint, confused and frightened. _Could he really be telling me what I think he's telling me_.

"Sue Ellen I…"

"Stop." Sue Ellen stood up, backing herself against the wall. "Stop right now."

"I can't deny how I feel for you Sue Ellen. I've been quiet ever since I came back to Dallas. I can't do it anymore."

"It never would have worked between us." Sue Ellen's voice began to waver as Clint slowly came toward her. It never crossed her mind that she and Clint would be having this discussion. After all, she had put Clint to rest in her heart years ago; she had assumed that he had done the same for her. How could he still have feelings for her after all of this time? If he loved her so much, why didn't he come after her? He had over a decade to make up his mind about her. He had moved onto another woman, he had dropped contact with her. And why had he waited this long to tell her how he felt? Why tonight? Why now?

"You can't say that. We never had the proper chance to work things out." He pulled at her arm in an attempt to bring her closer to him.

"We both agreed that we weren't meant for each other," Sue Ellen said coolly, pushing him away.

Clint grabbed onto her arms once more, pulling her against his chest. "I had every intention of coming back for you."

Sue Ellen's clear white skin paled. "WHY DIDN'T YOU!" she cried out, struggling against his grip. Tears were beginning to form in her eyes. He couldn't do this to her, not now, not ever.

"Because I thought you were happy." Clint pulled her in a hug. "If I had known how things were…."

"What would you have done?" Sue Ellen struggled against his strong grip, searching for an escape, knowing that she needed answers. "Would have tried to win me back from J.R. Would you have proposed to me?" Her hazel eyes shot deadly daggers into Clint's heart. He wanted this to go differently; he needed her to see that he was serious about her.

"Yes. I waited until I was ready to fight for you. I can offer you everything that J.R. can and more. I could have never married you in college; I had nothing to offer; now I do."

Sue Ellen turned red, her fear transcending into rage. "Is that why you think I broke up with you?" She moved toward him in long strides. "Did you believe me to be some kind of gold digger?"

"Nothing can be further from the truth, Honey. I wanted to be able to provide for you, take care of you. I wasn't ready then."

"Was I part of your agenda when you came to Dallas?" The red color slowly blended into a peachy hue, her anger still intact.

"I had every intention of finding you."

"Why didn't you come sooner?"

"Would it have made a difference?"

"Answer me."

"I was with Alice, after she died, I was too shaken to think of seeing you again."

"Was she the love of your life?"

"She was a substitute for a woman that I couldn't have, until now."

"I'm married Clint! What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to evaluate your marriage to J.R. Is it worth it, being Mrs. J.R. Ewing? Is it worth the pain and suffering, the loneliness, the deception? I can give you the world if you'd take it."

"He says he loves me," Sue Ellen spat.

"I do love you."

"J.R. J.R. told me that he loves me, that he wants to make our marriage work."

Green pigment crept into Clint's face. "Why didn't you tell me this when you got here?"

"Would you have told me you loved me if you knew that J.R. was trying to work on the marriage."

"I don't see J.R. as a threat," Clint said confidently. "Because I know, I know without ever having met him, or seeing you two together, that he doesn't love you."

Sue Ellen sat down in her chair, overcome with a sense of nausea. "Clint, please." Tears began to form in her eyes, smudging her perfectly made face. "You are my very best friend."

"And you're mine," Clint handed her a tissue as he began to massage her back. "Can't you see that we're meant to be together?"

"Clint, I don't know." The tears continued to fall. She was no longer crying about tonight, but about every night in her marriage. The good nights, where she and J.R. were joined at the hip, and the bad nights, when the couple was worlds apart. "You can't just tell me you love me and then expect an answer right away."

"I don't need you to answer me right away." He reached for her hand, but she recoiled. "I am a patient man Sue Ellen. I will stay in Dallas as long as I have to."

Sue Ellen looked up at him, her tears continuing to subside "You shouldn't stay because of me."

"I have no intention of leaving you."

"I can't promise you anything. I have nothing to offer you. I'm taken, can't you see that." Sue Ellen placed her hand on Clint's.

"Sue Ellen, I love you. I love you not just for now but for always. Can J.R. say the same?"

"I don't know," Sue Ellen breathed. "I have never been so lost in my entire life." Sue Ellen slowly stood up, wavering from side to side. "I need to leave."

"Can you drive?"

"I can manage." A tiny smile crossed Sue Ellen's soaked lips. Clint helped her to the door.

"Do you regret my telling you the truth?"

"No," Sue Ellen said softly. "I'm just so sorry about all the trouble I've caused you, all the pain you must be suffering."

"Sue Ellen, you are no trouble at all."


	8. Chapter 8: On Her Own

_Sue Ellen Shepard __stood in her dressing room at the Southfork ranch in Braddock, Texas, anxiously looking out the window at the growing crowd before her. She still couldn't believe that they were all there for her, or rather J.R. Ewing. Touching the hem of her long white gown, Sue Ellen felt ready for the future that lay before her._

_"Sue Ellen you are exquisite," Miss Ellie clapped her hands and kissed the bride to be. "How are you feeling, my dear?"_

_"I feel like I have waited my entire life for this moment."_

_Miss Ellie smiled, "you and my both dear heart."_

_"Here's your veil Sue Ellen." Patricia __Shepard__ quickly entered the room, escaping the rush of servants and guests mingling outside. "I brought some extra bobby pins. I don't want any accidents."_

_Sue Ellen looked at her mother. No hello or how are you, just finding ways to perfect her daughter._

_"Thank-you __Mamma__," Sue Ellen smiled. _

_"Let me help with that." In came Sue Ellen's maid of honor and very best friend Grace Snow. Over the years, Grace became more than just a chaperone and handler, but another mother figure that Sue Ellen never had. Grace beamed with bride, her auburn curls cascading around her neck._

_"Grace, I never could have made it through these years without you." After Sue Ellen's year as Miss Texas ended, and Sue Ellen went back to school, she refused to relinquish her relationship with Grace. Grace knew all of her secrets, her fears, her emotions, Grace was one of the few constants in her life._

_"You're not going to leave me are you, Sue Ellen?" Grace asked._

_"You couldn't get rid of me if you tried," Sue Ellen laughed._

_"You've been wonderful to her, Grace," Patricia noted, attempting to hide her resentment at the woman who took her place in Sue Ellen's heart. _

_"The pleasure was all mine Mrs. __Shepard_

_An overly giddy __Kristin__ ran into the dressing room. "I've got the bouquet!"_

_Kristin__, darling," Patricia grabbed her daughter, "a lady never runs." Sue Ellen and Grace looked at each other, trying in vain to stifle a laugh. Patricia __Shepard__ was never going to let up, not even on her daughter's wedding day._

_"Sorry __Mamma__Kristin__ said quickly. "I can't believe I'm a flower girl._

_"I'm a flower girl too, __Kristin__," remarked Lucy Ewing, refusing to be left out of the festivities._

_"The two prettiest flower girls in Texas," Miss Ellie beamed, hugging her little granddaughter._

_"Tell me Miss Ellie, have you seen J.R.?" Sue Ellen asked anxiously as her bride's maids helped her with the finishing touches._

_"I haven't seen him, but Bobby says that he's just fine," Miss Ellie reassured, squeezing Sue Ellen's shoulders._

_"Don't worry Sue Ellen." Grade said. "That man loves you more than life itself."_

_"I just worry, about whether or not I'm good enough for him."_

_"Sue Ellen __Shepard__, you are just as good as anyone else," Patricia said confidently, offering her daughter the first compliment since the day began._

_"These are just wedding day jitters, Miss Ellie laughed, making humor of the situation._

_"Everything is just so big," Sue Ellen breathed._

_"Everything about the Ewing's is big," chirped Lucy, prompting a smile from a nervous Sue Ellen._

_"I've noticed."_

_"Don't be intimidated," Miss Ellie comforted. "I grew up on this ranch and learned to love it very much. I have a feeling that you will too."_

_"I remember the first time I came to Southfork. J.R. and I had been seeing each other for a few months. I was so surprised when he told me he wanted me to come home with him."_

_"J.R. never brought women home with him, Sue Ellen. I knew you were very special to him when he said he wanted Jock and I to meet you."_

_"I hope I can make him happy."_

_"I'm sure you will, Sue Ellen. My son is very taken with you." _

_Bobby Ewing poked his head into the room full of woman. "How's it coming ladies?"_

_"Almost ready," Miss Ellie said._

_"If no one minds, I'd like to have a word alone with my daughter," Patricia said._

_"Let us know when you're ready," Grace said, leading the gaggle of women outside._

_Mrs. __Shepard__ looked at her twenty four year old daughter. Patricia saw the years of her labor as her eldest daughter stood ready to begin her life with one of Dallas' most eligible and unattainable bachelors. "Sue Ellen, you have never looked lovelier then you have right now."_

_"Thank-you __Mamma__," Sue Ellen smiled, hugging her mother._

_"Careful, dear we don't want to wrinkle the dress. I have nothing left to teach you, Sue Ellen. For the past two decades, I have taught you everything you ever needed to know, and now I have to let you go."_

_"You'll never lose me __Mamma__," Sue Ellen vowed, tiny tears forming in her eyes._

_"You have become the perfect example of a lady, dignified, poised, and elegant."_

_"You taught me well __Mamma_

_"All you can do is apply everything I taught you. J.R. doesn't know how lucky he is to be able to call you his wife."_

_"I'm so happy __Mamma_

_"I know that we've had our differences in the past, you've probably found me to be a bit too, domineering at times, but darling you must remember that it was always for your own good. Everything that I have ever done is for you girls."_

_"I'll miss you and __Kristin__ very much."_

_"Remember that I will always love you, you are my daughter." Sue Ellen smiled, she had finally earned her mother's approval, something she thought she would never see._

_"Are you ready?"_

_"Just give me a minute, __Mamma_

_Sue Ellen turned towards the full-length mirror. Sue Ellen knew that J.R. was the one right after meeting him. Billy Frampton never stood a chance, no other man did. Sue Ellen was so sure of herself, sure that J.R. would love her forever, and that the pair would live happily ever after. _

_Sue Ellen turned the sterling silver knob, ready for her life to begin._

Drops of rain trickled down Sue Ellen's arm, awakening her from a once pleasant day. Opening her eyes, the young woman panicked. Surly she hadn't been drinking, though tonight would have been the perfect night to start again. Alcohol was the perfect companion to misery, and vodka was Sue Ellen's favorite. The woman slowly turned around, realizing that her car was parked in an abandoned parking lot. The events of the previous hours flooded her mind. After hearing Clint declare his love for her, Sue Ellen left the apartment, knowing that she couldn't go home to Southfork and J.R. Instead, Sue Ellen drove in a tearful rage, not knowing where she was headed. She had enough common sense to pull over in an old parking lot and finally let her emotions out. Windows open for air, Sue Ellen slowly vented out the past ten years of her life, which then resulted in a deep sleep, bringing back her wedding day to J.R.

A fresh batch of tears began to fall. Her wedding day was the happiest day of her life. She had won her mother's approval, and the man of her dreams, there was nothing left to do but be happy.

"Mrs. Ewing?" A golden light eliminated Sue Ellen's unhappy face as the hand of a Dallas policeman graced her fingers. "Mrs. Ewing?"

"Is anything wrong officer?" Sue Ellen asked, struggling to dry her eyes.

"Your family is very worried about you Mrs. Ewing. It's after midnight."

Sue Ellen glanced at the car clock in horror; she had no idea that it was this late.

"Do you need some help finding your way home Mrs. Ewing?" the police officer asked, taking pity on the lonely woman.

"I can manage thank-you." Sue Ellen pulled the car into drive and headed back to the ranch.

_I can manage_ Sue Ellen said as she slowly pulled in through the intimidating white gates that protected the grand estate. _I have to be able to manage, because as of this moment, I have no one._

Tears slowly formed in her eyes. Sue Ellen had never been truly alone before. Her dependency and reliance on others created a significant crutch for her, one that was going to be difficult to overcome.

"Honey," J.R. called as he opened the car door, and pulled her out of the car.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen cried.

"Ssshh," J.R. picked her up and carried her into the mansion. "We can talk in the morning."

Sue Ellen continued to cry as J.R. carefully put her in her nightgown and into their bed. He placed a gentle kiss on Sue Ellen's forehead as he dried her eyes with his handkerchief. "Darlin', I am so sorry," J.R. whispered as he massaged her back, soothing her to sleep.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen murmured as her hazel eyes closed, the feeling of her husband's strong arms moving down her back. "Mmm."

* * *

"Are you sure you can handle the office without me, Bob?" J.R. poured coffee for himself, his brother and daddy as another Dallas morning began.

"Daddy and I will be just fine, J.R."

"Wonder what's wrong with Sue Ellen," Jock muttered as he dove into his scrambled eggs. "Has she been drinking again?"

"Sue Ellen hasn't had a drink in over year," Miss Ellie said, joining the Ewing men. "She's just going through a difficult time."

"Seems like there's a lot of that going on here," Lucy remarked. "Between her and Pam, I wonder who's next?"

"I'm glad you're staying with her today, J.R.," Bobby commented, surprised at his older brother's touching behavior to his wife.

"What time did she get to sleep?" Miss Ellie asked.

"Not until after one," J.R. said.

"Do you have any idea what she doing?" Lucy questioned.

"I'm not going to question her about what she was doing, Lucy. I'm going to try and help make her feel better," J.R. snapped, agitated at his meddling niece.

"She's been spending an awful lot of time away from the ranch. Can't be very good for her," Jock said.

"I can handle her daddy."

"If you were handling her correctly, this wouldn't have happened," Jock scolded.

J.R. wanted to say something to his daddy, but he was right about his previous behavior to Sue Ellen. If he hadn't read her diaries, none of this would have happened.

"Now Jock, I think J.R. is doing the right thing with Sue Ellen," Miss Ellie added, jumping to her son's defense.

"He can't force her to stay at the ranch, daddy," Bobby noted.

"Then what are you going to do?" Lucy asked.

"That is between me and Sue Ellen," J.R. said finally as he got out of his chair and headed back to the bedroom.

Pam watched the scene at breakfast from the long, spiral Ewing staircase. It seemed as though family roles had been reversed. Bobby became the workaholic, and J.R. the loving husband. So much had changed within the past month.

Pam opened the door of the closet that she shared with Bobby, and unveiled a box that had rarely been open since the latest miscarriage. Resting on top was a yellow baby blanket that Pam had made herself. A great deal of thinking went into the color of the blanket. Pam was determined to pick a gender-neutral color, not wanting to know whether the baby was a boy or girl. Under the blanket, rested an old teddy bear that Pam had kept in her youth. Her intention was to give the stuffed animal to her baby. Pam dumped the contents on the floor of the bedroom: a photo-album, baby clothes, a rattle, baby bottles, the contents went on and on. Pam had counted on having a child, she had so many hopes and dreamed pinned to the unborn soul. She hadn't counted on having difficulty conceiving a child, assuming that it was the most natural thing in the world for any wife.

"All of that planning, and look where it got me," Pam mused to herself as she cradled the beloved teddy bear. "I have pushed away every single person who ever loved me." Pam stood up, placing the contents back in the closet. "And it stops right now."

J.R. slowly checked on Sue Ellen, careful not to disturb her.

Sue Ellen's position hadn't changed; her body was still under the covers. J.R. opened the blinds to bring in the sunshine. Sue Ellen always loved the room for the balcony and the fine view of Southfork.

J.R. carefully stroked Sue Ellen's forehead._ She is still the prettiest woman in all of Texas,_ he mused. _What have I done to her?_

Sue Ellen's eyes fluttered open, revealing a concerned J.R. holding onto her hand. "J.R.," Sue Ellen whispered. "Did you stay with me all night?"

"Yes I did, Sugar. Do you have any idea how worried I was about you last night?"

"I'm so sorry," Sue Ellen said meekly. "I didn't mean to cause trouble."

"Don't be sorry Sue Ellen, be honest with me. You haven't spoken to me since the night you moved to the guestroom." J.R. brushed Sue Ellen's hair off her face. "I've missed you."

"J.R., you're missing another day at the office," Sue Ellen said quietly, hoping that he would leave.

"Bobby and daddy can handle it." J.R. placed his left arm around her, a little unseen vulnerability showing through. "I'd rather be here with you."

A tiny pain pushed inside Sue Ellen's stomach. Sue Ellen moved her hand down to massage her stomach. _J.R.'s dirty dealings are starting to take their tole _

"Why don't you go down to the office, before Bobby tries to steal your position in the company?"

J.R. flinched, stunned by her blunt comment? "Is that what you want?"

"You wouldn't want Bobby to steal the company from under you would you?"

"But Sugar…."

"J.R.," Sue Ellen said softly, "I'd rather be alone."

"I'll see you tonight, Darlin'," J.R. muttered as he closed the door.

Sue Ellen scrambled under the covers as a pain of guilt rushed over her. She had just kicked her husband out of the room, after he took care of her last night. _Lord, it would be easier to hate him if he kept his old wildcatting ways. But he's become a different person, and that confuses me more than anything._

A gentle knock at door interrupted Sue Ellen's thoughts. "Come in."

"Good morning, Sue Ellen?" Pamela Ewing's gentle but kind voice entered through the bedroom as she carried a breakfast tray for two.

"Good morning, Pamela. This is quite a surprise."

"I thought you could use some breakfast."

"Actually… I was hoping to be alone," Sue Ellen admitted gently, not wanting to hurt Pam's feelings. "I haven't been feeling myself lately."

"I've noticed; I've been feeling the same way lately." Pam paused as she took in Sue Ellen's exhausted form. "If you'd rather be alone, I could leave…." Pam turned for the door, leaving the tray on the table.

"Wait!" Sue Ellen called, "why don't you stay and have breakfast with me?"

Pam smiled at Sue Ellen's request. "I would love to."

Sue Ellen looked at her sister-in-law. "You know we haven't talked in a very long time."

"Yes I know." Pam took a silver knife in her hand, tending to a piece of toast. "It's funny, I've been living at Southfork for over two years, and we have never had a real conversation."

"I blame myself for that," Sue Ellen admitted, sipping her glass of orange juice. "I owe you an apology for the way I treated you when you first moved to Southfork.

"Sue Ellen that was a very long time ago."

"I feel terrible for the way I acted, you had no right to be snubbed like that."

"Well, I was Digger Barnes' daughter, or so everyone thought."

"That wasn't the reason that I resisted you, Pam. I was jealous."

"Jealous of me, a poor working girl misfit?" Pam laughed.

"You married Bobby, and he loved you very, very much. I was so unhappy with J.R. at the time, and when you became pregnant, I felt like you were getting everything that I always wanted. I felt threatened by you, as if maybe you could replace me."

"Sue Ellen, you earned your place in the Ewing family long before I ever met Bobby. And you really never had a reason to feel threatened."

"I was a foolish woman then, to think that it happened three years ago."

"You've come a very long way, Sue Ellen, you should be proud of yourself."

"I am. But I regret those years of not having you as a friend. We both could have saved our selves a lot of heartache."

"Heartache. All I seem to be feeling is heartache."

"You've been through so much Pam. You have every right to be upset."

"So do you, Sue Ellen."

"You know," Sue Ellen said, reaching her hand out for her sister-in-law, "we can help each other."

Pam hesitantly took Sue Ellen's hand. "I'd like that very much."

Sue Ellen Ewing smiled at the thought of creating a new friend, and maybe the only family member who could know what she was going through. "Bobby loves you very much."

"I know. I keep forgetting how hard things have been for him, he's suffering the same pains I am."

"Bobby really wanted a child."

"He still does," Pam sniffed.

"Maybe it's good that you're waiting before trying again," Sue Ellen soothed. "You don't want to add on any extra stress."

"Bobby and I are so distant from each other. It's like I've created a bridge that I don't know how to tear down."

"In the beginning, you were sure that nothing could split you and Bobby up. Not Digger, Cliff, J.R., Ewing Oil."

"What did I know?"

"A lot more than I did. Pam, you fought for Bobby multiple times. You haven't lost him yet."

"He's probably sick of me."

"I know for a fact that he loves you very much. Which is more then I can say for my husband."

"You and J.R. never did have a happy marriage."

"It's my own fault; I married for the wrong reasons."

"It didn't seem like you did. Maybe J.R. changed, and if he did, then he could change back."

"I cannot believe that you of all people have faith in the great J.R. Ewing."

"I've noticed the way he acts around you, Sue Ellen. If he really is sorry for what he's done, maybe he deserves a second chance."

Sue Ellen flinched at Pam's words. J.R. and Pam had been at war ever since day one. Now, even she was believing that he changed.

"Of course, I haven't known J.R. as long as you have, Sue Ellen. And it doesn't matter what I think, but what you think."

"Right now I don't know what to think."

"Me neither."

Sue Ellen lifted her glass of orange juice. "I'd like to propose a toast." Pam lifted her glass in the air. "To being completely clueless."

"I'll drink to that," Pam laughed as the glasses clinked.

A slow uneasiness crept over Sue Ellen, her stomach pain hadn't left yet.

"Sue Ellen," Pam asked, "what's wrong?"

"Lately, I've been having stomach pains. It's probably stress." Sue Ellen smiled as she drank her juice. "We need to be proactive, Pam, the elder Mrs. Ewing to the younger. "It's the only way to improve our current situations."

"Nice to see you take charge, Sue Ellen."

"What you need is time alone with Bobby, have a talk with him. I know that he'll listen."

"I don't know where to begin."

"Tell him you love him."

"You make it sound so simple," Pam laughed.

"It is that simple, Pam. You love your husband, you just haven't gotten around to telling him."

"Did you ever imagine in a million years that we'd be helping each other with our marital problems?"

"Our two feuding husbands."

"And their once feuding wives."

"Talking to Bobby doesn't solve my problem with carrying a child to term."

"What have the doctors said?"

"They still can't find a reason why I can't carry a baby nine months."

"Is a child the root of your problems?"

Pam sat up. "Sue Ellen, how did you feel before John Ross? Waiting seven years for a child."

A small frown crossed Sue Ellen's face. Sue Ellen looked away, hurt at Pam for throwing seven years of pain at her.

"Sue Ellen," Pam gasped, "I didn't mean to hurt you."

Sue Ellen looked up. "I know, Pam. No one knows the pain of being childless like we do."

"I want a baby. I feel so empty. I have this love that I want to give out, but can't. There's no child to give it to."

"What if you adopted?"

"I've thought of that. Bobby and I would wind up on a waiting list that would last two years."

"Don't lose hope."

"I can't lose Bobby," Pam whispered.

"Do you think that Bobby would leave you if you never gave him a child?"

"I saw the way he looked at Luke, the son of one of the ranch hands, and that wasn't even his son. I want to make him happy."

"Then be there for him."

"You seem to have all the answers."

"If I had all the answers, then I wouldn't be where I am right now."

"J.R…"

"J.R. is the same man that he always has been, a liar, a cheater, a user. He's putting on a mask to win me back. God forbid he lose his 'perfect wife'."

"What do you want right now?" Pam asked, clearing the plates.

"Right now?"

"Do you want J.R.?"

"I don't know if I can trust him. And then there's," Sue Ellen hesitated, wondering if she should tell Pam about her not so secret admirer.

"Is there someone else?" Pam asked.

"Every time I had an affair, it blew up in my face, my heart got broken."

"Things would have never worked with you and Cliff. He doesn't want a relationship, he wants a career."

"And I would have complicated that." Sue Ellen closed her eyes, remembering her biggest mistake of 1978. She was drunk, desperate, and out of options. The black market baby scandal was fresh in her mind, and the way J.R. handled the situation – privately, neat and clean – drove her once again to the brink of insanity. Cliff offered her the ultimate revenge against J.R., the man that he hated more than anyone else in the entire world.

"Sue Ellen, you and Cliff would have never worked out, he wasn't ready to commit to you."

"I wasn't ready either Pam." Sue Ellen traced her fingers over a silk scarf. "Have you spoken to him recently?"

"No," Pam admitted. "I still can't get over the way he told Digger about John Ross being his child. He deliberately caused trouble for both of our families, and Digger didn't have much longer to live."

"I do believe that your brother misses you."

"For the longest time, he was all I had. It was me, him, and Aunt Maggie, fighting the world."

"Do you miss him?"

"Yes, but I'm not ready to see him again. So much has happened to both of us, I'm still repairing my relationship with Bobby."

"You'll find Cliff when you're ready."

"I can't avoid him forever."

"Some people, you can never avoid, they remain in your mind forever."

"Who is this secret person?"

"Am I that obvious?"

"Sue Ellen," Pam began, "in the past month, you have been away from Southfork nearly every day. You can't be shopping, you would have bags. And the DOA doesn't meet that frequently. So I thought…"

"You thought I was having an affair."

"I'm not here to judge you, Sue Ellen. If I were married to J.R…"

"I could never picture you married to J.R.," Sue Ellen laughed.

"Does this someone make you happy?"

"He did. But recently, the relationship blew up, as they always do. It wasn't even an affair, it was friendship."

"What happened?"

"He told me he loves me."

"Oh. And now you don't know what to do."

"Two men tell me they love me. And I can't believe either one of them."

"That's quite a dilemma." Pam grabbed Sue Ellen's hands. "Let's get to the root of it, what do you want?"

"For the longest time, I didn't know. But now that I think about it, what I need now is perspective. I need to think about everything. And in order to do that… I think I need to leave Southfork."

Pam jumped out of the bed, nearly bumping the treys. "Leave Southfork?"

"I need to be alone, truly alone."

"Is this because of J.R.?"

"It isn't just J.R." Sue Ellen got up, opening the drapes. "In my entire lifetime, I have never lived alone, been truly by myself."

"I suppose I understand where you're coming from. You can do serious thinking when you're alone."

"I need to choose a path for my life." Sue Ellen entered the closet and got dressed.

"Is J.R. part of that life?" Pam asked, bringing the breakfast treys to the kitchen.

"I'm not sure yet. I'm not even sure if I'm leaving. I'd have to find a place to stay, and I'd have to leave John Ross."

Pam clapped her hands in excitement, "I have the perfect place for you to stay. It's right here in Dallas."

"Dallas? I was hoping to go somewhere a little farther. J.R. won't let me leave without a fight."

"Sue Ellen, you know my friend Liz Craig from the Store? Well she's going on a one month cruise to the Caribbean and she wants someone to housesit for her while she's gone. The house will be in her name, J.R. won't suspect a thing."

"He'll have a private detective follow me." Pam cringed at the thought of Sue Ellen being followed. "Don't worry, Pam, he's done it before. That's how he gets his best information, from following people."

"How soon do you need to leave?"

"Right now, the sooner the better. I can't let J.R. get to me."

"You may have to wait for another place to open up."

"I refuse to stay in a hotel, J.R. would bribe the staff."

"And it sounds like he would have you followed wherever you stay."

"I'll look at Liz's house. When is she leaving?"

"Next week."

"So soon?"

"Sue Ellen, the timing would be perfect. Why don't we stop by this afternoon and see the house. You'd love it."

"I'd love to be anywhere that gets me away from J.R."

"Sue Ellen, I'm here for you, for whatever you need."

"Thank-you, Pamela. I hope to return the favor," Sue Ellen smiled, glad to know that her sister-in-law was finally piecing her life together. If anyone deserved happiness, it was Pamela Jean Barnes Ewing. Pam gave so much of herself to others, selflessly, asking nothing in return. Sue Ellen realized that Pam's kindness was a turn off to her when she first moved to Southfork. To see such a happy housewife – optimistic, giving, happy – broke Sue Ellen's heart. It wasn't until years later that Sue Ellen discovered what a treasure Pam was.

Driving in the 'Ewing 2' station wagon Sue Ellen trembled with excitement. "If you asked me a year ago if I would ever consider living alone I would have laughed.""This is very exciting for you," Pam smiled as she touched up her makeup. "I have always wondered what it's like being on your own. I lived with Cliff, Digger, and Aunt Maggie, and then I married Bobby."

"I didn't imagine it being this soon. It's one of those things that you keep putting off, but never actually do."

"It will be a positive life experience," Pam assured. "You can focus on yourself, think, and just relax."

"Umm," Sue Ellen mused, "I am so excited."

"We're here," Pam called as Sue Ellen pulled the vehicle into the driveway. In front of her was a one-story home, perfect for one person. The house was adorned by a lovely garden that looked as though it had been very well loved. "Pam it is lovely."

"Liz always had good taste."

"Pamela!" Liz waved as she exited through the front door. "What an unexpected surprise."

"Liz, I'd like you to meet my sister in law, Sue Ellen Ewing."

Liz carefully dissected the woman in front of her. She had heard terrible horror stories from Pam about how she was a snob and cold hearted.

"Nice to meet you Ms. Craig," Sue Ellen extended her hand for the woman to shake.

Pam smiled, signaling to Liz that Sue Ellen was a friend and not a foe. "Please call me Liz."

"You have a lovely home."

"Thank-you." Liz presented a smile for her guest. "Why don't you both come inside."

"Liz, I have wonderful news," Pam said as she sat in the living room. "I have found someone to housesit for you while you're on your cruise."

"That's wonderful, Pam. I was beginning to get concerned about finding someone. Everyone is too busy or too caught up in their own lives to take a week off."

"Sue Ellen is the perfect person to housesit." Pam held her friends hand in hers.

"Sue Ellen? Aren't you married to J.R. Ewing?"

"Yes I am," Sue Ellen said. "I'm taking a small vacation."

"Sue Ellen is very responsible," Pam added. "She'd take wonderful care of the house."

Liz looked quizzically at Mrs. J.R. Ewing. _Why would a woman like her to take a vacation?_ But Liz knew better then to pry in other people's business. "You'd be able to stay two weeks."

"Absolutely," Sue Ellen assured.

"And you'll be ready by next week?"

"I'll start getting my things together tonight."

_She certainly seems anxious_ Liz mused to herself, _but I can't find anyone else within a week._ "Sue Ellen, why don't I give you the royal tour of the house?"

"I would like that very much," Sue Ellen smiled, glad that her plan was working.

Pam and Sue Ellen followed Liz through the house, seeing the kitchen, living room, bedroom, spare bedroom, and bathroom.

"It isn't as nice as Southfork," Liz commented, a tad embarrassed by her humble surroundings.

"I think it's wonderful," Sue Ellen said. "I can't thank you enough for letting me stay here."

"Any friend of Pam's is a friend of mine."

Liz turned to her friend. "You know, Pam, I've really missed you at the Store lately."

"I've been doing some soul searching," Pam said softly.

"You know you can come back whenever you're ready."

"I'm surprised you haven't given my job to someone else."

"Pam, darling, you are irreplaceable."

"She certainly is," Sue Ellen admitted.

* * *

Pamela Ewing took her very first steps into the Store, her abandoned office that had been collecting dust while she remained in her stupor. But she was ready to come back to work, to make amends and finally get on with her life. If Sue Ellen could do it, so could she.

"Pam," Liz cried, hugging her best friend and coworker. "Two visits within the same week. Whatever have I done to deserve this honor?"

"It's more than just a visit, Liz," Pam said softly. "I want to come back to work."

"Pam, that is wonderful."

"I'll go wherever you want, even if it means I'm a clerk."

"Don't be silly, Pam. The assistant buyer job hasn't been touched since you left."

"You never replaced me?"

"How could I? Anyone else would have paled in comparison to you."

"You are truly the best friend and coworker a woman has ever met." Pam hugged her friend. "How would you like to go to lunch with me before your vacation?"

"Let me find someone to run the place while I'm gone."

"I'll meet you in the parking lot."

Pam smiled as she drove off to a nearby café. _I know that I am stronger then my problems_.

"So," Liz began, sipping her long island ice tea, "what's the story with your sister-in-law?"

"Story?" Pam questioned, stirring her coffee.

"From everything you told me, the woman is the Ice Queen. You said you had next to no relationship with her and that she ignores her child."

"Oh, it has been a long time since we talked." Pam closed her eyes. "Sue Ellen has led one of the most dramatic lives I know."

"More dramatic than yours?" Liz asked incredulously.

"Imagine being in a loveless marriage for ten years."

"She doesn't love her husband?"

"Worse. He doesn't love her. Or at least he didn't until recently."

"A change of heart?"

"That's what Sue Ellen is trying to find out. She isn't sure if she can trust him yet, and until she can, she wants to keep her distance."

"Sounds like she could use a vacation."

"I can't imagine living her life," Pam sighed.

"Why doesn't she leave her husband?"

"She loves her son very much, in fact, my problems really began when she started to pay attention to him. I felt as though I lost a child."

"People change all of the time."

"That's what makes life so complicated," Pam nodded.

* * *

"Sue Ellen, I wished you came to me sooner," Clint said as he ushered the woman into his apartment. "Do you know how worried I've been about you?"

"Clint," Sue Ellen began, "I wasn't ready to see you. I'm still not ready."

"Then why did you come?" A hint of frustration echoed in Clint's voice, his entire mind wondering whether Sue Ellen would come to him.

"I'm leaving Southfork, I thought you had a right to know."

"Leaving Southfork? You're leaving J.R.?"

"Temporarily."

"Temporally!" Clint shouted

"I need to think, Clint."

"Sue Ellen, what is there to think about? I love you. I told you that I love you. I can give you everything you ever wanted."

"That's the problem, I don't know what I want."

"How can you not know? How many talks have we had about you and J.R.? About you being unhappy with J.R.?"

"Clint I know!" Sue Ellen threw up her hands in frustration.

"Do you love him?"

"Clint…"

"Answer me, do you love him?"

"I did not come here to talk to you about J.R. I came here to say goodbye to you."

"Goodbye forever?"

"For now," Sue Ellen said gently.

"Can I call you?"

"I wish you wouldn't ."

"I told you that I would stay in Dallas if I thought that I had a future with you. I don't want to be dragged along while you make up your mind," he said bitterly.

Sue Ellen squirmed at Clint's remark. "You're being unfair."

"I'm being unfair!" Clint stood up, his blood boiling over. "I have been there for you for the past few months, I have considered your feelings and I have gotten nothing in return."

"Nothing?"

"Sue Ellen, I gave you two weeks to figure out what you wanted. I gave you you're space, you have to make a decision."

"I'm not ready for that yet."

"You're being selfish."

"How dare you!" Sue Ellen stood up to face Clint, her eyes meeting his.

"You cut me out of your life for weeks, no explanations, you won't tell me how you feel about me, you won't even tell me how you feel about that bastard husband of yours!"

"ENOUGH!" Sue Ellen screamed. "If you ever, ever, call my husband that name again, I will never speak to you again!" Sue Ellen ran her hands through her hair, frustrated at the man in front of her. Only she could call him that name, he was her husband. Clint didn't know the first thing about him.

"Sue Ellen, I want answers."

Sue Ellen walked to the door. "Here's your precious answer!" she shouted, slamming the door with a vengeance.

* * *

"Oh, Pam, I can't believe that I'm really leaving tonight," Sue Ellen exclaimed as she finished off her packing. She was only leaving for two weeks, but she seemed to have two months worth of suitcases.

"I am going to miss you so much," Pam said as she brought Sue Ellen's bags to the door.

"Right when we were beginning to like each other."

"Sue Ellen, I knew I liked you when you were in that car accident and I couldn't stop praying for you."

"After that accident, J.R. tried so hard to be a proper husband. He said he wanted us to appear happy for appearances sake, but I have always wondered if it was about something more than that."

"Sue Ellen," Pam began, "did you know that J.R. cried when he saw you in the hospital. You were banged up and unconscious, and Bobby was the only other person in the room, and he was asking God that you would live."

Sue Ellen froze, holding the last of her things. "I never knew that."

"J.R. seems to hide his feelings very well."

"Oh he is the master at hiding his feelings. I never can fully know what he's going through. I suppose that was what drew me to him in the beginning. He was so mysterious, had so many secrets. He could have had anything he wanted, and he chose me. I never really knew why."

"Don't sell yourself so short, Sue Ellen. You must be very special to have the great J.R. Ewing take notice of you."

Sue Ellen laughed, "I suppose you're right, Pam." Sue Ellen bent down to get the last of her things. "AAHH!"

"Sue Ellen!" Pam jumped to her friend's aide. "What is it?"

"I don't know. It's a sharp and intense pain, I can't even describe it."

"Has it happened before?"

"Occasionally, but never this bad."

"Are you sure that you should be staying alone? What if I went with you for two weeks? Or until you feel better?"

"What would Bobby say?"

"Bobby lets me make my decisions, and if he knew that you were in pain, he wouldn't have a problem with me leaving."

"I'm sure I'll be fine Pam, it's nothing new." Sue Ellen slowly stood up, eying a photograph of her and J.R. on their wedding day. "It seems like it was yesterday."

"It must have been lovely."

"It was. The flowers, the music, the food. It was a day to remember."

"My wedding to Bobby lasted ten minutes. We didn't even get a proper honeymoon, we hurried back to see his family."

"It's not the wedding day that matters, it's the wedding." Sue Ellen put the photo back on the desk. "I fell in love with him right away; he literally swept me off me feet. He showed me things that a… poor girl like myself would never see." Sue Ellen looked at Pam, realizing that they both came from very similar beginnings, and that they shared more than just the Ewing name, but a history."

"I know exactly what you mean. Being with Bobby was like going on an adventure, and when the subject of marriage came up, we both jumped."

"J.R. always seems to have this untouchable power over me. Even when he is at his very worst, I can't help but love him. I suppose I still do," Sue Ellen whispered, realizing that Pam was the first person that she had confided this feeling to.

"J.R. is very lucky to have a partner like you," Pam smiled, touching the arm of her friend.

"I don't know if he realizes it."

Pam slowly opened the bedroom door, "if he doesn't, he is a very foolish man."

Sue Ellen peeked into the nursery, catching a final glance of her son. "Promise me that you'll look after John Ross for me."

"I promise."

Sue Ellen entered the nursery while Pam directed Raul with the bags.

"MMM," John Ross cooed as Sue Ellen cradled him in her arms. "How am I ever going to give you up John Ross?" Sue Ellen asked out loud. "You mean the world to me." John Ross laughed at his mother. Sue Ellen had thought long and hard over the past few days about temporarily leaving her son. Would J.R. try to take her little boy away from her while she was gone? Would she be charged with abandonment?

"It's only for two weeks John Ross. I'll be home before you know it." She still hadn't told J.R. yet, he wasn't going to make it easy on her. But he wasn't the only man on her mind. _How could Clint do that to me? He knows about the hell that I have been through, and the only person that he is thinking of is himself. He wants answers to make his life less complicated._

"Well isn't this a nice picture," J.R. commented as he viewed a loving mother and son.

"Hello, J.R." Sue Ellen attempted her brightest smile.

"You aren't going to throw me out of the room are you, Sue Ellen?" he asked, half joking, hoping to bring a smile out of his lovely wife.

Sue Ellen gently laughed. "No, J.R. Actually I wanted to talk to you."

J.R. smiled at his wife, believing that their problems would soon be over. "Sure, Darlin'."

Sue Ellen smiled at J.R.'s pet name for her. Her bags were packed and she was finally ready to leave Southfork. She waited until the last minute to tell J.R., knowing that it would be one of the most difficult things that she had ever done. But she was ready and was going to do this. Pam was all set to watch over John Ross while she was away, and Miss Ellie understood her need for time away from the Ewings. All that was left was J.R.

"What's on your mind," J.R. asked as he took off his hat and tie, tired after a long days work at the Ewing building.

"J.R…"

J.R. began to slowly massage her neck. "Relax Darlin'."

"J.R." Sue Ellen stood up, beginning to lose her nerve. _I have to be strong, it's the only way that I can escape him. _

"Sue Ellen?" J.R.', blue eyes peered into her hazel ones. He wanted her to be comfortable, to be able to talk to him.

"J.R., I'm not happy," Sue Ellen stated.

J.R. sat down, beckoning for his wife to sit next to him. "I've noticed. Sweetheart, you know how very sorry I am for reading your diaries."

"It's not just the diaries, J.R." Sue Ellen sat down next to her husband. "I'm confused."

"About what?"

"Us, for starters."

"Us? Sue Ellen, what is there to be confused about, I love you." J.R. paused. "I thought you loved me too."

"I do love you J.R." A tiny tear fell from her cheek. J.R. lovingly wiped it away. "J.R., I love you so much that it hurts. That's why I have to leave."

"You're asking me for a divorce?" J.R. turned pale white.

"A separation J.R. I need time to think."

"You said you loved me," J.R. couldn't hide the hurt in his voice.

"I do love you, which is why I can't stand to see you going back to your old ways."

"How many times do I need to tell you that I will be loyal to you?" A hint of frustration was found in J.R.'s voice.

"J.R., it's temporary."

"And I'm just supposed to let you walk out for two weeks?"

"J.R. please," Sue Ellen began to sob.

"Sue Ellen," J.R. whispered as he pulled her onto his lap. "I wish you wouldn't leave, please give me another chance. I know that things will be different."

"Do you know how badly I want to believe you? Every time I place my trust in you, I get burned."

"Surly you can't condemn me forever?"

"I need time, J.R., time away from you."

"Where will you go?"

"It would be best if we didn't communicate."

"What?" J.R. stammered, not believing the situation that was playing out before him.

"If you loved me…" Sue Ellen said.

"I love you more than life itself," he whispered, tears beginning to form in eyes.

Sue Ellen saw the pain that she was putting him through, she felt her heart telling her to stay, letting J.R. comfort her. But she couldn't do it. "Let me go. Please, let me go," she murmured, tears beginning to form in her own eyes. Sue Ellen looked down at the ground, unable to meet J.R.'s hurt gaze.

"What about John Ross? Are you okay with leaving him?"

"I don't want to leave John Ross, J.R. But I can't take him with me."

J.R. saw this as his last chance to convince Sue Ellen of his devotion. "Sue Ellen, I love you. I know I haven't shown it in the past, but I can't have you believe that I hate you."

"I know you don't hate me, J.R," she said gently, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"You're truly unhappy?"

"It's been going on for a very long time. I just haven't had the courage to admit it, until now."

J.R. backed away from her, giving her space. "I love you too much to keep you here against your will, Darlin'."

"J.R.," Sue Ellen breathed, touching her husband's hand. She hadn't imagined it playing out this way, him letting her go without a fight, or a threat, or a insult. It seemed to easy, as if something wasn't right. "I will come back." Sue Ellen tried to smile at her husband, he seemed so lost and frightened, a side of him that she hadn't seen in a very long time. He wasn't the tall and mighty oil baron, out to seek another deal, but a man being stripped of what he held dear. Sue Ellen stood up, attempting to walk to the door. As her hands it the silver knob, a sharp pain hit her stomach. "Oh!" Sue Ellen cried, beginning to lose her balance.

"Darlin'," J.R. grabbed onto her waist, preventing her from falling.

"J.R., I don't know what's happening to me," she panicked.

"Sit down, Sue Ellen," J.R. ordered, guiding her to the bed, his hand holding onto hers. "How long has this been going on?"

"About a week, J.R. I'm sure it's nothing, just nerves."

"You've been through a great deal, Sue Ellen."

"I'm sure it will pass."

"I hate to see you leave when you're in pain."

Sue Ellen couldn't help but smile at J.R.'s concern for her. Concern that he never showed her when she was pregnant with John Ross. _What if he really has changed?_

"Promise me something, Sue Ellen. If the pain gets worse, call Dr. Danvers and have him look at you."

"I really don't believe it's that serious J.R."

"You shouldn't take your health lightly, Sue Ellen. We have a son to think about," he joked, attempting to lighten her mood.

"I'll be back before you know it, J.R."

"I'll be waiting for you." J.R. pulled her against him, inhaling her perfume, the last taste he would have of her for a long time.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen chided as she attempted to resist the arms that held her. No matter how angry Sue Ellen got at her husband, she felt safe in his arms, comfortable, and loved.

J.R. cupped her face in his hands and gave her a long soothing kiss. _The last kiss until she returns_. "I love you, my yellow rose of Texas."

To her surprise, she didn't back away from J.R.'s display of affection, savoring the final moments. She would never tell him out loud, but she loved being held in his arms. "Goodbye, J.R."

"Can, I help you with your bags?" J.R. asked, begging for one last moment with the woman that he loved.

"I can get them J.R. I can get along just fine." With those final words, Sue Ellen walked out the front door of Southfork, refusing to look back, for fear of falling to pieces.

Pam stood at the stairway, watching Sue Ellen leave Southfork, praying that she would find the peace of mind that she needed to continue to stay on at the ranch. Pam's eye darted towards J.R.'s, he looked right at her, and for one moment, the two held a steady glance.

She didn't notice Bobby's hand on her shoulder as he too saw Sue Ellen leave the ranch. He wanted to know what was happening, but he couldn't find the words. He looked towards his older brother – a man who was so stoic with his emotions – and he could have sworn that he saw moisture in his eyes. He knew then that the situation was serious, that Sue Ellen was not just leaving for a simple vacation.

"What's going on?" Lucy asked, coming up the stairs, her face showing the innocence of her still-remaining youth. "Where's Sue Ellen going?"

J.R. looked once more at the closed door and turned back to his bedroom, ignoring the three other Ewings.

"Pam?" Lucy questioned quietly, "what happened?"

"It's complicated, sweetheart," Pam said coming down the stairs.

Bobby followed her, giving Lucy a look that said not to press Pam for information.

Miss Ellie sat in the living room, witnessing the entire scene. Her beloved daughter-in-law had left Southfork, something that she never thought possible. She was so sure that Sue Ellen could work out her difficulties with J.R. at the ranch, not wanting to believe otherwise.

Pam sat down with Miss Ellie, saying nothing as Bobby watched from the entryway, not knowing what to do. Part of him wanted to talk to J.R., see if there was anything he could do to help. But Bobby remembered the last time he butted in when Sue Ellen tried to leave Southfork – he had gotten an earful from J.R., who never appreciated it when other people got involved in his affairs. No, the best thing for Bobby to do would be to wait for J.R. to come to him.

Lucy stood next to Bobby, thoughts swimming in her mind about J.R. and Sue Ellen separating for good. Lucy had been so sure that Sue Ellen would have stayed at Southfork to take advantage of everything that being Mrs. J.R. Ewing had to offer. Could she have really been wrong all of these years?

"Is that Sue Ellen's car that just left?" Jock asked, returning from a long afternoon working with Ray on the ranch.

"Jock," Ellie said finally, knowing that it would be difficult explaining Sue Ellen's absence to her husband.

"Well, what happened?" Jock asked, wrinkling his forehead at the confusion. "Why is everyone so glum?"

"Daddy," J.R. said from the stairs, coming down to the family. He didn't know how to tell his father – his idol – that he had made a mistake with Sue Ellen, hurt her one too many times, and now she had left.

Jock stood in the center of the room, redness beginning to fill his cheeks. "Somebody better start talkin'!"

Lucy looked as though she were ready to cry. She hadn't seen her grandfather this agitated in a very long time.

Miss Ellie rose from her seat, acknowledging the fact that it would be her job to explain Sue Ellen's absence. "Sue Ellen's gone on a vacation, Jock."

"A vacation?" Jock asked, dumbfounded. He turned to his eldest son. "Did you know about this, Junior?"

"No, sir," J.R. admitted, lowering his head.

The family stood together, frozen in time, no one knowing the exact words to say. Nothing like this had ever happened at Southfork before, and no knew of the repercussions that would follow.


	9. Chapter 9: Realizations

Sue Ellen Ewing had never been truly alone in her entire life. She was the epitome of the classic southern belle and her calendar was filled with activities, functions, and gatherings. She craved contact with other people, hearing the voices, feeling their touch. Yet on so many occasions, Sue Ellen felt lonely, afraid, and unloved. Now she was both.

Liz's house seemed bigger when she first visited with Pam. She realized now that it was the presence of the two other women that made the empty house full.

The lonely woman traced her fingers on the phone in the living room, dying to call Pam and find out how John Ross was holding up without her. She needed to hear a familiar voice, telling her that everything would be right with the world. But there was no one.

A silver moon peaked over the house, highlighting Sue Ellen's empty surroundings. _My very first night alone, and I am without a doubt unbelievably, desperately lonely._

Sue Ellen knew what she needed, the immediate pick me up that would bring her ease. But she hadn't gone near it since the incident. There was yet another gap in her beloved diary. This wasn't the first hole in her book. Sue Ellen recalled with horror the very first time she discovered that J.R. was in fact cheating on her.

The signs had been there for months: foreign lipstick on collars, peculiar scents on dress shirts, late nights away from her, a distance from her husband. Sue Ellen saw the writing on the wall, but soldiered onward, ignoring the obvious, withholding judgment in the naïve hope that her husband would come back to her.

_"Sue Ellen Ewing, you have to come to Texas City with me this weekend!"_

_"Grace, I can't just pick up and leave Southfork for an entire weekend. What about J.R.?"_

_"You said J.R. was in Washington D.C. on a business trip!"_

_"Well, he is but…"_

_"Sue Ellen, I haven't seen you since the wedding."_

_"That's not true. We saw each other last month."_

_"For an hour. You promised that we would keep in touch."_

_"We are keeping in touch, but an entire weekend – it isn't proper."_

_"Forget proper and pretend that you're single again. Pre-J.R. and Miss Texas. I need someone to come to Fashion Week with me."_

_"I can wait until it comes to Dallas, you can come here and we can go together."_

_"Who knows when that will be? Sue Ellen, I hate to think of you as one of those brides that lives solely for their husband, with no life of their own."_

_"Grace Snow, I will have you know that I lead a very full life, full of parties, and meetings, and dinners."_

_"They are all tied to their husband. Sue Ellen, take one weekend off, he won't even be there to stop you."_

_"Grace, it's awfully short notice."_

_"I did it on purpose, this way you couldn't back out of it."_

_"How long have you been planning this?"_

_"Three weeks."_

_"You are that desperate to see me?"_

_"Like you wouldn't believe."_

_"What will I tell Miss Ellie and Jock?"_

_"Tell Miss Ellie that you are getting reacquainted with the woman who took care of you for a year, and that you have not had a true meeting with her in a very long time."_

_"Grace, I don't know."_

_"I'm sure Miss Ellie understands the value of friendship. And she won't be alone, she has Jock, Lucy, and Bobby when he comes home on the weekends."_

_"Can I get back to you?"_

_"Sue Ellen, you would be meeting me in Texas City in two days, there is no time to think, except about all of those fine dresses that you'll wind up taking home with you."_

_"I do love shopping," Sue Ellen ruefully noted._

_"And you love me."_

_"Grace, I love you more than a dozen designer dresses."_

_"You'll come!"_

_"I'll come."_

Over the years, Sue Ellen wondered what would have happened if she had decided to forgo Fashion Week and stay at Southfork. Lord knows it would have been easier on her if she had.

_"Sue Ellen," Grace gushed as the two friends walked into the Candlelight Hotel in Texas City, "aren't you glad that you came this weekend?"_

_"I truly am," Sue Ellen admitted, admiring her collection of bags that she was taking home with her. "I needed this so badly."_

_"I had a feeling you did." The two women sat down on plush couches. "You know, being married doesn't mean that you lose all of your independence."_

_"I know, I just, I want to make J.R. happy."_

_"Things are still awkward between you two?"_

_"He hasn't," Sue Ellen whispered, not wanting anyone else to hear, "he hasn't touched me in over a month."_

_"A month!" Grace hissed. "And you are waiting until now to tell me this? Sue Ellen why didn't you say anything?"_

_"J.R. believes that a couple's private life is private, it shouldn't be discussed, not even by the couple. I didn't want to say anything, but it has been bothering me for so long, and I have no one else to talk to."_

_"Did you bring up the perfume and lipstick?"_

_"How can I do that without asking him if he's…cheating on me?" It was the first time that Sue Ellen said those words. Her eyes began to well up._

_"You have got to talk to him. You know that he's cheating!"_

_"I haven't seen him with another woman."_

_"Explain the perfume!" Grace demanded, becoming frustrated with the situation._

_"He's in close contact with his secretaries; their perfume could easily rub off on him."_

_"The lipstick?"_

_"Grace," Sue Ellen began, "I did not come here to argue about my marriage, I came here to…" Sue Ellen stopped dead in her tracks, the color slowly draining out of her face._

_"Sue Ellen, what is it! Sue Ellen?"_

_"That bastard," Sue Ellen cried in a hushed tone that only Grace could hear_

_"Sue Ellen?" Grace turned around. "Oh my god."_

_Standing in front of an elevator was J.R. Ewing himself, holding onto a very tall, very slim redhead. "How could he do this to me?" Sue Ellen asked._

_"We should go," Grace said, taking Sue Ellen's hand in hers. _

_Sue Ellen stood perfectly still, her eyes watching her husband go up the great glass elevator. "In public, he's taking her out in public. People will see."_

_"He's the one that should be ashamed, not you. You have done nothing wrong." Grace ushered her friend out the hotel._

_"I have to be doing something wrong," Sue Ellen sobbed, "otherwise he would love me."_

The events of that day shook Sue Ellen to the core. She remembered the week long drinking binge that followed, confining herself to solitude, refusing to talk to Grace or even step foot out of the house. The worst part for her, was that when J.R. came back, he acted as if nothing had ever happened.

Sue Ellen slowly stood up, entering the master bedroom. It was time to forget her demons and purge her heart of all of the pain and suffering. It was the one thing that Dr. Simon Elby couldn't do: make Sue Ellen forget her past. She wasn't even sure if it was possible to forget an entire history, good and bad. But Sue Ellen knew that she had to move on, that was why she came to the house.

_April 29, 1981_

_Yet another gap has been created as I have been crushed by the man that I call husband. I would have been prepared if he had betrayed me with another woman. But this time it was more personal, worse than the time that he hired a private investigator to follow me. When I think about him opening the pages and reading the words, it makes me want to burn every single diary that I have ever created. But then he would win, he would have control over me, and I would be a pawn in his hand. I had to escape, before I lost myself completely._

_If J.R. is planning another one of his elaborate schemes, then he is very determined to see the payoff because he has been attempting to get back in my good graces for months. Unless, he really is telling the truth. But I have no way of knowing that. How can I trust that man after everything that he has put me though? It's a miracle that I haven't died yet from all of the drama that I have witnessed._

_I have come to the conclusion that being Mrs. J.R. Ewing is not worth half of the work that I have put into this marriage. Work that has produced no fruit, but pain, only pain. What do I have to show for my ten years of marriage? Only John Ross, my precious baby boy. I will hate the day that he decides that he is too old to be taken care of by his mother and demands his independence. If I could, I would keep at this age for the rest of his life._

_Why do I love him? The man who has done everything in his power to destroy me. In my heart, I believe that he can be a good husband, loving, kind, and gentle. I believe that we can recreate the magic during our four years of courtship. The incredible power that he holds over me still exists. With one look from his eyes, one touch from his fingers, I become his._

_I have tried so hard to free myself from him, become indifferent, uncaring, and callous. But I cannot do that – he still has my heart. _

_The way he listened to be speak, no interruptions no judgments, he just sat there, hearing every word that I had to say. He seemed so sad to see me go, regretful, repentant. _

_And then there's Clint. I may never forgive him for what he said about J.R., or the way that he spoke to me. He is the one man that I trusted right now, and he is the one that let me down. In all honesty, I thought J.R. would have been the one to snap at me, but he didn't. I saw compassion, sincerity, everything that our early relationship held, everything that I ever wanted from him._

_I want to go back to him. To go into his bed and tell him that I will love him forever, and devote my entire life to him and John Ross, the way it was intended to be. _

_But I still worry about J.R.'s attitude. For the past few months, he has been so wonderful and faithful, he hasn't cheated on me since the anniversary party. The trouble is, once the happy ending comes, he gets bored and restless, and that is when he leaves me for other women. Maybe he has always loved me, but he's incapable of sustaining a long term relationship._

_I refuse to settle for a few fleeting moments of joy with him. I deserve to be with a man who will love me forever and let me have the happy ending that I always wanted._

_Could J.R. be that man?_

* * *

"I just don't understand you boy," Jock muttered as he read the morning version of the _Dallas Daily Press_. "How could you let your wife leave you like that?"

"Daddy, it's like I told you, she went on a small personal vacation."

"Back in my day, we would never let our wives do that, especially if their vacationing alone."

"Lay off him, Jock," Miss Ellie scolded. "I think J.R. did the right thing in letting Sue Ellen take a brief leave of absence."

"It doesn't look right."

"What about Sue Ellen's feelings," Pam asked. "Don't they matter?"

"Bottom line is that husbands control their wives," Jock stated.

"If that's true, then I may never get married," Lucy declared.

"Oh don't say that, Lucy," Miss Ellie said.

"Mamma, Lucy is just saying that because she hasn't met the right guy," Bobby teased.

"I mean it, Bobby," Lucy pouted. "Sometimes I think I would be better off single, not having to deal with the complications involved with marriage."

"But you'd still date?" Pam asked.

"A girl has to have a hobby," Lucy laughed, flipping her long blonde hair.

"Leave it to Lucy to lighten the mood," Bobby smiled.

J.R. said nothing, staring into his glass of bourbon, wishing that he could be somewhere else, anywhere else. "I have some reading to do," J.R. said finally, heading up the stairs to a lonely bedroom.

"J.R.," Pam called from behind a closed door, "can I come in?"

J.R. looked up from his reading, his ears perking up at the foreign voice on the other side of the door. Right now Pam was one of the last people he wanted to see, his hatred of her never extinguished.

"Come in," J.R. said absentmindedly, not taking his attention away from his book.

"Thank-you." Pam stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do in J.R.'s room. She couldn't imagine what he was going through, whether it was brought on by his own actions or not, he seemed truly sorry to see her go, he didn't even have the heart to fight and force her to stay, he put her first, he let her go.

"Was there something you needed, Pamela?" J.R. asked.

"I was wondering how you were feeling," Pam began, slowly gaining her strength. She had fought J.R. before, and had even won a few times, but now was not the time to fight.

"How I was feeling?" J.R. asked gruffly. "How would you feel if Bobby left you?"

"I would be devastated," Pam admitted.

"Is that all you came to say?"

"No," Pam said sharply, annoyed by his rude treatment of her. "J.R., I came here because I am worried about how you're doing, how Sue Ellen's doing."

"I don't know how Sue Ellen's doing! She left me."

"I know, and I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't bring her back, does it."

"Are you going to stay this bitter over something that you caused."

"I caused?" J.R. put down his book and stood up to the brunette Barnes.

"Who drove her away?" Pam demanded, throwing caution into the wind, not caring about the feelings of the man before her. She was crazy to believe that she could have a normal conversation with the man that attempted to create her demise out of the family.

"Listen to me, Pamela; I did not drive my wife away! I admit that I may have been thoughtless towards her in the past, but that woman is the love of my life!" He paused, glaring at his opponent. "Do you have any idea what it is like to see the person that you love the most leave, and to know that it was you that caused her to leave?"

Pam softened, realizing that J.R. knew the truth all along. He knew the truth when Sue Ellen left Southfork late two nights ago, he knew the truth, and he was the one who had to live with it. "J.R., I'm sorry for what I said, I shouldn't have said anything."

"It's true isn't it," J.R. replied bitterly. "And I can't take any of it back."

"You'll have the opportunity for a fresh start when she comes home."

"She may decide to leave me for good."

"Oh, I don't think Sue Ellen would do that," Pam gasped.

"Why, because she wouldn't want to give up Southfork completely?"

Pam crossed her eyebrows at J.R., appalled that he would say such a thing about his wife. "Because she loves you."

J.R. perked up at the thought of Sue Ellen still loving him after all of this time. She had told him she loved him before she left, but it sounded so permanent coming from another person. "She loves me, how would you know that?"

"Because she told me," Pam said finally, wondering if she was making a grievous mistake by admitting Sue Ellen's feelings.

An exasperated look appeared across J.R.'s face. "You talk about me with my wife?"

"She needs someone to talk to," Pam said simply. "She's going through a great deal right now."

"Why can't she come to me?"

"Because you are part of the problem." J.R. slowly backed down, realizing that no matter how much he disliked her, his sister-in-law was right.

"Pam, do you know where she is?"

"I can't betray Sue Ellen's confidence like that."

"She is my wife; I have a right to know where she is."

"She is taking a vacation and will come back. You need to have faith in Sue Ellen, have faith that she will come back."

"Pamela, a person cannot live on faith alone. That's why I make things happen myself."

"What does that mean? Are you going to hire someone to follow her?" Pamela placed her hands on her hips, daring J.R. to answer her question.

"What I do, is my business."

"She wants to be alone. If you love her…"

"Then I would leave her alone."

"Exactly."

"Are you keeping in contact with her?"

"If Sue Ellen needs to see me, I'll be there for her."

J.R. sat down. There really was no use in arguing with Pamela Ewing, she could be as stubborn as an ox. "When you see her, ask her how she's feeling. She seemed to have a stomach upset before she left."

"Oh," Pam said softly, not knowing that Sue Ellen's pains came back so quickly. "Shall I have Dr. Danvers check on her?"

"I wish you would. When she comes back, I want her to be healthy."

"So do I."

"I suppose we do agree on something," J.R. chuckled.

"Yes," Pam smiled, "we both care about Sue Ellen."

* * *

Sue Ellen awoke in a lonely and strange bed, feeling a very stiff mattress underneath her. She longed to be in her room with J.R, feeling the familiar sheets against her body, the way the mattress formed to her body.

Sue Ellen carefully put on her robe and slippers, heading to the kitchen to make breakfast for one. Breakfasts at Southfork proved to be an interesting occurrence. Jock insisted that family be present for all meals. Breakfast was time to get reacquainted with family members before the day began. Plans were made, stories told, laughter heard. Southfork was never a lonely place to live. There were so many comings and goings, Miss Ellie loved inviting people to dine at the Southfork table, and there were a variety of characters. Lucy could always be counted on to bring someone of flavor to the dining room. Sometimes Bobby and J.R. brought men from work with them. Sue Ellen would listen carefully to the stories the boys shared, how they ran the companies. J.R. was never the wiser to Sue Ellen's listening, he was too wrapped up in his conversation to notice the woman sitting by his side. On some occasions, Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie invited DOA ladies to the table. Of all of the guests, these were some of the most dull for Sue Ellen. She was part of their lives, there was nothing new to seek or know from these women. On these visits, Sue Ellen moved through the motions as gracefully as she could, feigning interest. She still loved being President of the DOA. By now, every mistake had been given, but not forgotten. If the followers ever saw Sue Ellen slip up, they would be sure to point it out.

Sue Ellen heard the pitter patter of her feet as she started the coffee pot. Thumbing a coffee mug, Sue Ellen noticed her diamond wedding ring, ten years old and still precious to her heart. The ring held so many broken promises: fidelity, peace, love, family, happiness.

Sue Ellen picked up the diary that she had written in the night before. The pages were tearstained, but Sue Ellen didn't remember crying.

"I can't stay here all day by myself," Sue Ellen decided out loud. "I'll go crazy in this house alone." Sue Ellen felt a pain similar to the ones felt last night. "What in the world is wrong with me?" she asked, no longer believing that stress alone was causing her pain. "I'll make an appointment with Dr. Danvers," the brunette decided, taking a sip of her coffee. As she put the mug down, a flow of nausea came upon her. "NOOOOOO!"

* * *

Cliff Barnes was considered by many to be a real up-and-comer in Dallas. He was devoted to his work, friendly, and determined. He had been kicked so many times in the past, mostly by the Ewings, but not once did that stop Cliff from his work as District Attorney. His most unique feature was his integrity, a rare find in Texas. Cliff still believed in fair dealing, the greater good, and was not influenced by others. His loyalty to his standards began with J.R., who at one point drove him to put big business first. Cliff regretted tearing down the low cost housing over a year ago, his one big slip up. Politically he was praised, but he could not stand to see people suffer.

No matter how honest Cliff Barnes was, he was no saint. Revenge was buried deep in his heart, and sometimes it got the better of him. He hated the Ewing family. He hated their money, their social standing, the fact that they always got their way, the methods they used to get their way, the way they drove Digger Barnes to obscurity, and the way they stole Pam – his own sister – away from him. Most of the hate was centered on J.R., an opponent that he had gone up against on several occasions, and always lost. J.R. caused him to lose the election for senator, his reputation, and Sue Ellen. Sue Ellen Ewing. He remembered the day he called her up, after he lost the senate seat, and began an affair with her. They needed each other. She was fed up with J.R.'s infidelity; he was fed up with J.R. Both parties believed it was the perfect form of revenge, there was no way that either one could lose. But then Sue Ellen became pregnant. Cliff went into a frenzy, wondering if the child were his or J.R.'s. He told her, seven years was a long time to wait for a child, and they had only had an affair for six weeks, and she became pregnant.

Sue Ellen told Cliff that she loved him, that she would leave J.R. and the Ewing title to be with him. This was where Cliff made a tragic mistake: he let Sue Ellen go. Somehow, J.R. found out about the affair, and threatened to ruin Cliff if fought to keep Sue Ellen. Cliff chose his job over Sue Ellen, and she went back to J.R. The two lovers dropped contact, though Cliff still held a place for her in his heart. She was more than just a way to get back at J.R., he really loved her.

Mistake number two came when Cliff told Digger that he was the father of John Ross Ewing III and not J.R. This resulted in a paternity test, proving that J.R. was indeed the father of Sue Ellen's baby. Cliff had nothing.

Since Pam became a Ewing, Cliff did everything he could to keep contact with her. She always forgave him for his mistakes, he made millions of them. Pam was one of the most forgiving and loving people that he ever met, and he felt honored to be her brother. Though Pam forgave his every misdeed, he could not forgive her for marrying Robert James Ewing.

He was relieved that Pam came back to her old self; he had been so worried about her over the last few months. He was dying to do something, but he never did, he did not want to interfere with the Ewings or Sue Ellen.

He wanted to call Sue Ellen so many times, find out how she was doing, whether or not she was happy. He wanted to apologize to her for denying her when she came to him in her time of need, several months pregnant and nowhere to go. He wanted to apologize for starting the paternity war, and causing trouble for her when she was in her depressed state. What he really wanted was a fresh start, knowing that Sue Ellen had forgiven him for what he had done, and maybe - if he was lucky - start a friendship.

Cliff Barnes was a believer in second chances, if he didn't he probably would have killed himself. He believed that each new day brought a new beginning, a possibility to correct mistakes of yesteryear.

Today was no different for the short, little man. Standing in line at a corner deli, he had an inkling that something fantastic would happen today.

Sue Ellen took careful lady-like steps, very aware of her surroundings, wondering if J.R. was lurking behind a corner, waiting to grab her and bring her back to Southfork. But Sue Ellen promised herself that she would not hole herself in Liz Craig's house for two weeks. What she needed was something to do with herself besides think. She was still mad as anything at Clint for the way re reacted, he didn't even bother to find out where she was staying. Then there was J.R., always a puzzle to those who never knew him, but Sue Ellen believed that she had him figured out: a liar, cheater, manipulator who would stop at nothing to achieve his goals, which usually benefited only him. The thought of such a drastic change in J.R. rocked her to the core. Could anyone change so quickly? J.R. had spent the last few months struggling to prove himself to her, and she loved him for trying, but he had ten years to make up for, and Sue Ellen wasn't going to go back to him that easily. She still had doubts.

"Sue Ellen!" A strange, yet familiar voice made Mrs. Ewing jump out of her skin. It had been so long since she had heard this tone; so many months had gone by.

"Sue Ellen!" A gentlemen that Sue Ellen once knew very well came over to talk to her.

"Cliff," Sue Ellen said softly. "It's been so long."

"Yes it has." An easy smile formed on his mouth. He knew that today was going to be special. He was finding a second chance with an old flame. He knew that it would be foolish to believe that he could start anything with her, too much had happened, too much time had passed. But now he had the opportunity to correct old wrongs and make a friend out another Ewing.

Sue Ellen awkwardly shifted on her right foot, not knowing what to say to the man in front of her. She had never in a million years dreamed of meeting Cliff again. The last time they spoke was during her dark period after John Ross was born.

"How are you, Sue Ellen?" Cliff asked, attempting to fill the silence.

"Fine." Sue Ellen put on her famous smile, hiding the pain within her. "And yourself?"

"I'm doing very well."

"I'm happy to hear that." Sue Ellen meant what she said; she knew how badly Cliff wanted to succeed in life. He was an underdog, he had been all of his life, and now he was working to help the other underdogs in the world, those less fortunate.

"So what brings you here today, Sue Ellen?"

"Excuse me?"

Cliff let out a hearty laugh, "I never pictured you the type of woman to go to outdoor delis and eat with the common folk."

Sue Ellen's smile slowly faded. Cliff never was very good with words, far too blunt. It was his mouth that often got him in trouble. "Shows how well you know me, Cliff." Sue Ellen turned around, heading away from the street, she was not in the mood to be with Cliff Barnes today, or any other day. She vividly remembered the day that he turned her away, telling her that it would never work out between the two, and that she belonged with J.R. He had broken her heart, led her back to her smug husband, back to her prison at Southfork. But that wasn't the end of Cliff's misdeeds. Sue Ellen held a place for Cliff in heart, during the entire pregnancy she dreamed that he would come back for her and take her away from J.R. When he did call, it was for information on Ewing business deals. He acted as if the two never had a relationship, she meant nothing to him.

"Sue Ellen wait!" Cliff called, running after her through the Dallas square.

"Cliff, I have a very busy day ahead of me and I don't have time to…" Sue Ellen didn't finish her sentence as her body hit the ground with a thud.

"SUE ELLEN!" Cliff screamed, helping the woman up. "Oh my god, Sue Ellen, are you alright."

Sue Ellen slowly stood up, taking a step. "Thank-you, Cliff."

"Shall I take you back to Southfork? Or anywhere else?"

Sue Ellen smiled at Cliff's chivalrous advances. "I'm sure that I'll be fine," Sue Ellen said meekly.

"Are you sure, Sue Ellen?" Cliff asked, displaying true concern for his ex-flame.

Sue Ellen crinkled her forehead, unsure of how to handle the situation. She wasn't in the mood to tell Cliff that she was temporarily separated from J.R. Knowing Cliff, he would use the information against her husband, making their relationship worse.

"Cliff, I tripped. It was a misstep, that's all," Sue Ellen said easily, avoiding eye-contact.

"Sue Ellen," Cliff began, "I know that we haven't seen each other in a very long time, and I haven't always been kind to you, but I still care about you, and I can't leave you alone. Is J.R. coming for you?"

Sue Ellen slowly sat down on a park bench, stunned by Cliff's empathy for her. At the beginning of the affair, it was Cliff's kindness that made her want to see him again. This was before she discovered that he could be just as devious as her husband if he thought that he could benefit. Cliff took a seat beside her, refusing to let her leave without the proper explanation. "J.R. won't be coming for me," she said finally, not knowing what else to say.

"Is he at work?"

Sue Ellen didn't have the heart to tell Cliff her story, how she left J.R., how he had offered her love, and how Sue Ellen was too afraid to let him love her. "Cliff I…"

"Sue Ellen, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't owe me anything. After the way I treated you, I'm surprised that you haven't tried to run me out of town."

Sue Ellen softened, "Cliff you were never terrible to me, and you are not solely to blame for what happened. I was looking for trouble when I began my affair with you."

"I'm sorry for sending you back to him, Sue Ellen."

"Do believe that it would have worked between us, Cliff? Do you think that we could have been happy together?"

Cliff paused, looking into the eyes of the lady next to him. She seemed so afraid, so worried, and lost. "I think our lives would have turned out very differently."

A tiny smile escaped from Sue Ellen's mouth, "I can't even imagine it. My mother would have had a stroke."

"J.R. would have come after me."

"Both of us," Sue Ellen said quickly. "After all, I was carrying his child."

"He didn't even believe it when John Ross was born," Cliff added.

"I knew from the moment I saw him. It was in the eyes."

"I wanted to believe that it was my child," Cliff said softly.

"So that you could stick it to J.R.?"

"So that I could have a chance with you. I figured, if the child was a blood Barnes, J.R. would divorce you, and you could come to me."

Sue Ellen took in a sharp breath. "I never knew that Cliff. I assumed that you wanted nothing to do with me romantically after I tried to leave J.R."

"Did I ever tell you that he got to me?"

"J.R.?"

"He threatened to destroy me if I took you in, my job and career were so vulnerable at the time, I could have never fought him and won."

Sue Ellen let out a small smile. "So you did pick your career over me. All this time I thought you weren't interested."

Cliff let out a soft laugh. "If I could do it over, I would."

Sue Ellen remained silent within her thoughts, "I don't know if I would."

Cliff boldly took Sue Ellen's hand in his. "How can you say that, Sue Ellen? After everything that you went through with J.R. after John Ross was born ?"

"Cliff, I didn't know it then, but during those difficult months, I grew a thicker skin, I became more capable of dealing with J.R. I needed those months to grow."

"You're a very positive person," Cliff noted.

Sue Ellen looked straight at Cliff. "I refuse to spend my life regretting my every decision." Sue Ellen stole a brief look at her watch. "I need to get going?"

Cliff stood up with her. "Sue Ellen, you took a heavy fall, I would feel better accompanying you to Southfork."

"Cliff," Sue Ellen said quickly, "I have to meet someone later, I won't be returning to Southfork for several hours."

"Sue Ellen," Cliff grasped her hand in a protective but firm way, "I'm an attorney remember, I know when people are lying."

Sue Ellen turned red, out of embarrassment and frustration. "Cliff Barnes, you have no right poking into my life. I can handle myself!" she exclaimed, pulling her hand away as she turned in the other direction.

"You're hiding something," Cliff called after her.

Sue Ellen turned around, her skin pricking, "Cliff Barnes, you should not be lecturing me about hiding information!" she spat. "Our entire relationship was about hiding secrets from others."

"Sue Ellen!"

"What!"

"The last time you kept secrets to yourself, you got burned. I don't want to see you hurt again."

"Stay away from me, Cliff, if you don't want to see me hurt then stay away," she huffed, heading into the busy Dallas streets. Her blood began to boil, _why does everything always happen to me? Why can't I have a normal, uncomplicated life?_

Sue Ellen turned the corner past a flower shop, and bumped into yet another unwelcome visitor.

"Sue Ellen?" Clint stammered, shocked at her presence. She hadn't bothered to call him since their last meeting.

"Oh no," Sue Ellen muttered. "Today of all days, I run into him." Sue Ellen raised her head to meet her opponent. "Clint, what are you doing in Dallas?"

"I had another business interview with a prospective employee. Sue Ellen, how are you? Have you gone back to J.R.?"

Sue Ellen's cheeks turned a bright red. "Clint, you are in the way." She tried to push past him, but he proved to be stronger.

"I want to apologize for what happened."

"Apologize," Sue Ellen shouted, not caring that she was in the middle of a busy street, or that she wasn't showing decorum. "You think a simple apology will erase what you said?"

"You caught me off guard."

"Clint, you were the one person that I could rely on in Dallas. The one person that I thought would never hurt me in any way."

"I don't want to hurt you, Sue Ellen. What I said, they were just words, I didn't mean a bit of it."

Sue Ellen paused, attempting to regain her composure, "now is not the time or place to talk about what happened that night."

"Sue Ellen, you haven't called me, you won't let me talk to you."

Sue Ellen helplessly looked on, unsure of what to do or say.

"Excuse me," a gentle voice came up from behind her. "Mrs. Ewing?"

Sue Ellen turned around to face to face with Cliff Barnes. Sue Ellen scowled, "Yes?"

"Mrs. Sue Ellen Ewing? I'm Cliff Barnes, we spoke over the phone, we have a lunch date." Cliff kept his eyes on her, urging her to play along with the game.

"Oh course Mr. Barnes, how nice to meet you in person." Sue Ellen gave Cliff a gentle smile and turned back to Clint. "I'm sorry, but I have a meeting to go to."

"Sue Ellen," Clint said quickly, "please call me."

Sue Ellen nodded her head, taking Cliff's hand. Clint walked away, surprised and defeated, wishing that he could see her again.

Sue Ellen turned to her hero, "Cliff, I don't know how to thank-you for what you did."

"No need to thank me," Cliff smiled, wanting to ask her what her conversation with that man was about.

"Well go ahead then," Sue Ellen said.

"And do what?"

"Don't you want to know who the man was?"

"First, tell me why you aren't staying with J.R.? Are you two officially separated?" Cliff tried to keep his emotions at bay, not wanting to sound overly excited by the news.

Sue Ellen laughed. "You heard that much?"

"Yes, I did."

"Cliff," Sue Ellen began, "I would love it if you would escort me home," she smiled. "I meet need the company."

"With all the falling and run ins you have, you just might," Cliff laughed. "Where are you staying?"

"With a friend of Pam's."

The two began walking the streets. "How is Pam? I haven't been able to see her recently. I'm almost afraid to."

"Why?"

"I've caused her and Bobby so much trouble over these past few months. She probably hates me. I'd come to her, but I'm afraid of what you Ewings would do." Sue Ellen gave Cliff a funny look. "Oh I didn't mean you, Sue Ellen, I meant…"

"I know what you meant," Sue Ellen reassured. "And let me tell you, that I am not one of the Ewings out to get you."

Cliff smiled, "I'm glad to know I have one friend at Southfork."

"You have more than one friend, Cliff, you have Pam."

"I haven't been there for her lately."

"She was in a bad place, Cliff. She couldn't be around anyone, the only one that could help her is herself."

"How is she now?"

"She's regaining her strength. You should come and see her."

"You forget that your husband won't let me within a foot of Southworth property.

"You know that he works late most afternoons, or you can come by the Store. Pam's gone back to work."

"So she's doing well?"

"I think she's doing much better."

"That brings us to you, Sue Ellen. How are you really?"

* * *

It was a quiet afternoon in the Ewing building. Bobby was out for the afternoon with Pam and Jock was spending the afternoon with Ray Krebbs at the ranch. J.R. had the building to himself.

His eyes wandered over to a new photo of Sue Ellen. This one was taken at the Oil Baron's Ball, a beloved tradition for the Ewing family. Sue Ellen looked breathtaking in her evening gown, she was the belle of the ball, and she belonged to him. Or at least, she did. The nights were the hardest for J.R., alone in an empty bed. He wasn't interested in seeking companionship elsewhere, the only woman he wanted was Sue Ellen, and she didn't want him back. J.R. sat back in his chair and slowly shut his eyes.

_"J.R.!" Sue Ellen Shepard ran across the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport and into the arms of the man that she had been seeing for six months._

_"Sue Ellen!" J.R. laughed as he picked her up in his arms and twirled her around not caring about passengers coming and going. _

_J.R. gently placed her back on the ground, "I have missed you so much."_

_"Not as much as I've missed you, Darlin'," J.R. countered, pulling her into a deep kiss. _

_"J.R.," Sue Ellen pulled away from him, blushing. "What will people say?"_

_"They'll say, 'look at that happy couple, I wish we had what they had," he laughed. "These are for you Darlin'," J.R. said, presenting Sue Ellen with a dozen yellow roses._

_"My favorite flower," Sue Ellen beamed. _

_"You've been gone for too long."_

_"Three weeks is a long time to be apart J.R.," Sue Ellen whispered._

_"We have an entire weekend to make up for it." J.R. grinned a devious smile at his companion. "I am not letting you out of my sight at all."_

_"J.R.," Sue Ellen began, gently pushing him away. "This weekend is about more than just us, I'm finally meeting your family, those famous Ewings that you always talk about." A tiny frown crossed her lips._

_"You're not worried are you Sugar?" J.R. asked gently._

_"What if they don't like me?"_

_"Sue Ellen, you are perfect, and my parents will love you."_

_"I'm not perfect enough to win Miss America," Sue Ellen said bitterly. After winning Miss Texas, Sue Ellen put her entire efforts into attempting to win Miss America. This was a pageant that Sue Ellen was truly excited about. To her, it was the biggest beauty contest in the world, and according to Patricia, Sue Ellen was a shoe-in. It came as a shock to both of them when she didn't even make the finals, Sue Ellen was crushed._

_"You're Miss America to me," J.R. reassured, placing a peck on her forehead. "Those judges didn't know what they were doing," he added as he led her out of the airport lounge and into the Ewing limousine. _

_Sue Ellen stood in front of the same full length mirror that she had been looking into for the past two hours. She had tried on dozens of dresses in different colors and styles, none being the perfect dress for meeting the Ewing family. They were so famous, so wealthy and powerful. 'And I'm just a nothing,' Sue Ellen thought, turning towards J.R. "How about this one?"_

_"Sue Ellen," J.R. began, placing his arms around her waist, "I am going to tell you the same thing that I have been telling you for the past hour – you look terrific in anything, and my parents will love you."_

_"Meeting the parents is such a serious step," Sue Ellen worried, "do you think we're moving too fast?"_

_J.R. laughed, "Honey, if I had my way, you would have met my parents months ago."_

_"J.R," Sue Ellen playfully slugged her husband. "Be serious, which dress will make the best impression?"_

_"I know what will make the best impression for me," J.R. chuckled, kissing on the mouth._

_Sue Ellen laughed, pulling away. "Somehow, I don't think your parents will appreciate it as much as you will." Sue Ellen turned her back and gazed into the mirror. "Why did you choose me, J.R?"_

_"Hmm?" J.R. asked as he began to massage her shoulders._

_"You could have any woman in Texas – the world, and you want to be with me, what makes me so special?"_

_J.R. turned her around, cupping her face in his hands. "Darlin', you are the most beautiful, perfect woman I ever met. If only you could see yourself the way I see you." He gently kissed her, trying to assuaging her fears._

_"I have nothing to offer you," Sue Ellen whispered._

_"You have your smile, your mind, your eyes, your humor…" _

_Sue Ellen smiled at the man before her, he always knew how to make Sue Ellen feel like the most incredible woman in the world. "I think I'll wear black, it's classic, never fails." _

_Sue Ellen didn't take her eyes of the road as the pair drove to the Southfork ranch in Braddock County, Texas. J.R. had told her so many stories about the land and the way it was run, how it originated with his mother's –Miss Eleanor Southworth Ewing – family and survived the Depression to grow into a productive estate. She had seen pictures of the ranch in magazines and from J.R., but she was convinced that it was nothing compared to the real thing._

_"Relax, Sue Ellen," J.R. reassured, taking her hand in his. "Mamma and Daddy will love you, and so will Bobby and Lucy."_

_"Your brother is coming home from college?"_

_"Everyone wants to meet you, Honey."_

_The car pulled in through large white gates, the initials SF hovering over them. "We're here," J.R. whispered._

_Sue Ellen couldn't breathe, preoccupation haunting her thoughts. An elderly gentlemen that Sue Ellen assumed to be Jock, came out to greet the car._

_"Well son, this must be the lady that you've been hiding from the family," Jock beamed, giving Sue Ellen a long glance, happy with what he saw. She was indeed just as lovely as J.R. said he was, it was no wonder that she became Miss Texas._

_"Mr. Ewing," Sue Ellen acknowledged, unsure of what to say to the legend before her. J.R. loved his daddy very much, and the last thing Sue Ellen wanted was to disappoint J.R. or his family._

_"Hello there, young lady, you can call me Jock. J.R. says that you've been spending a great amount of time traveling through Texas."_

_"I've been touring the state, making speeches, and going to functions."_

_"Everyone loves Miss Texas," J.R. smiled._

_"J.R." A woman that Sue Ellen believed to be Miss Ellie Ewing stepped out of the ranch, her arms opened wide as she gave her son a hug. "This must be Sue Ellen." Miss Ellie turned to hug the stunned young woman, not prepared for such a greeting. "I have waited so long to meet you, J.R. talks about you all of the time."_

_"Only good things I hope," Sue Ellen laughed nervously, surprised by the little woman that started the ranch. She seemed so strong, so capable._

_"The best." A young gentleman carried a little blonde haired girl in his arms. "I'm Bobby, J.R.'s younger brother." He extended his free hand to greet Sue Ellen, who took it readily. Bobby was the first Ewing that Sue Ellen was not overly intimidated by._

_"Nice to meet you, Bobby," Sue Ellen smiled, her body slowly relaxing._

_"Are you really Miss Texas?" the little blonde girl asked._

_"Yes I am," Sue Ellen said proudly._

_"You saw her win the competition Lucy," Miss Ellie reminded her, taking the girl in her arms._

_"Well I don't know why we're all standing around here," Jock declared, "I'm sure you'd love to get the grand tour of Southfork, Sue Ellen." Jock extended his arm towards Sue Ellen, who nervously took it._

_J.R. gave her a quick smile, reassuring her that everything was going very well. "I would love that Jock." _

_Sue Ellen listened as Jock guided her around the expansive ranch, showing her the stables, the fields, the lake, an abandoned tree house that the Ewing boys loved to play in. Everything looked so large to Sue Ellen, who had never been on a ranch before._

_"Everything is so wonderful," Sue Ellen gushed._

_"The Ewings take pride in Southfork," Jock said proudly. It was Jock's strength and initiative that guided Southfork through the harsh years, eventually swallowing the competition, and coming out on top. _

_'If you don't mind Jock, I would like a turn with Sue Ellen before dinner," Miss Ellie said, coming out to greet her husband. _

_"I loved the tour," Sue Ellen smiled, meaning every word that she said as she headed off with Miss Ellie._

_"I've prepared a wonderful dinner for you tonight, Sue Ellen. It isn't very often that J.R. brings women home."_

_"Oh," Sue Ellen said._

_"He must be very serious about you," Miss Ellie smiled, guiding Sue Ellen through the large house._

_"Your son is very special, Mrs. Ewing."_

_"Please call me Miss Ellie. I hope you're having a nice visit to Southfork."_

_"Oh yes, Miss Ellie." Sue Ellen's eyes ventured over to a photograph of the Ewings. "Miss Ellie, who is that in the middle of the picture?"_

_Miss Ellie turned white at the thought of Gary Ewing, her second son, her favorite son, who had left the family to start a life of his own. "That's my second son, Gary. Lucy is his daughter."_

_"I'm sorry, Miss Ellie, I didn't realize that he had passed away."_

_A tiny smile crept on Mrs. Ewing's mouth. "Gary is alive and well, he was just never very happy at Southfork." _

_Sue Ellen wanted to know more, but knew better then to press her hostess._

_"I hope you've had a wonderful visit, Sue Ellen."_

_The young Miss Texas smiled at the woman before her. She seemed so kind, so well put together. "I had a lovely day."_

_"Shall we go to dinner?" Miss Ellie gestured, towards the grand dining room as J.R. took her hand, guiding her to a seat next to him._

_"Miss Ellie made some of her famous chili in honor of your visit, Sue Ellen," Jock said from his seat at the head of the table, with Miss Ellie at the other._

_J.R. gently took a hold of Sue Ellen's hand under the table, prompting her to blush a rosy color. She felt a little more at ease now, relieved to know that the J.R,'s family seemed to like her. _

_"Momma if you don't mind, Sue Ellen and I were going to take a walk around Southfork before I drop her off at the hotel."_

_"That's fine, J.R., but remember to say goodbye first."_

_J.R. took Sue Ellen's arm and led her out to the back porch. "I think today was very successful."_

_"Your family is so wonderful, J.R."_

_"I'm glad you feel that way, Darlin', now I know that I can bring you back."_

_"Really?" Sue Ellen asked, surprised that J.R. was thinking that far ahead._

_"There is so much of Southfork you haven't seen. Like horseback riding."_

_"I've never been on a horse, J.R."_

_"Well we boast some of the finest riding horses around, when you come back, I'll show you how to ride."_

_"I'd like that." Sue Ellen looked up at the night time stars in the Texas sky. "The stars are so lovely tonight."_

_"Not half as lovely as you, my dear," J.R. smiled, kissing her cheek._

_"J.R.," Sue Ellen blushed. "It must have been amazing growing up here."_

_"It does have its advantages," J.R. admitted, picking up a lilac from the flower garden and handing it to her. "We're almost there, Honey."_

_"Almost where, J.R.?" Sue Ellen queried, a touch of excitement in her voice. _

_"This was one of my favorite places at Southfork," J.R. said, pointing to the old tree house that Jock had showed her earlier. He climbed up the ladder, holding out his hand for her to climb up. _

_"The view is lovely," Sue Ellen breathed, taking a seat next to J.R. "You can see the whole ranch from here."_

_"This was one of the most peaceful places on the ranch, away from all of the noise and distractions." He cupped her face in his hands and gave her a full kiss. "I couldn't imagine being here with anyone but you."_

_"J.R.", Sue Ellen murmured, out of breath, "there is nowhere else I'd rather be."_

"J.R.?" The familiar busy voice of Dan Marsh, J.R.'s go-to guy when he needed someone checked out stole his attention from his dream.

"What have you got for me, Dan?" J.R. questioned, regaining her conscious.

"Well, I've been able to find out where she's been staying – which wasn't the easiest task given the fact that she isn't registered anywhere, but a guest in someone's house…"

"Dan, I did not bring you here to complain about your job but to tell me where my wife is," J.R. snapped, his frustration at the situation beginning to get the better of him.

"Yes sir," Dan stammered nervously, handing him an address on a piece of paper.

"Good work," J.R. nodded. "Has she been doing anything unusual?"

"Not that I can tell, sir. She seems to spend most of her days in the house – alone."

J.R. smiled, "Good, good, I knew I could count on you, Dan."

Dan Marsh smiled at his accomplishment. Pleasing J.R. Ewing wasn't exactly the most ethical work, but he paid handsomely. "Anything else, Mr. Ewing?"

"No, I have everything I need," J.R said as Dan walked out the door. J.R. held the paper to his heart. "I will win you back, Sue Ellen. You and I are meant to be together."

* * *

"My god, Sue Ellen, you've been keeping this all to yourself?" Cliff asked astounded as Sue Ellen poured him another cup of coffee. Sue Ellen hadn't planned on having Cliff stay very long, but after a few short minutes, she felt strangely at ease with her old paramour. She had forgotten how nice it was to talk to another person.

"It may surprise you that the social queen bee of Dallas has very few close friends," Sue Ellen said, pouring more sugar into her cup. "Do you know what it's like, going day after day with no one to talk to, on a personal level?"

"Yes, I do. In my line of work, I've made more than my share of enemies."

Sue Ellen smiled, at her guest. Getting everything out in the open brought relief to her weary heart. To her surprise, he listened to everything she had to say. Everything from meeting Clint for the very first time, as a young wide-eyed coed, to J.R. reading her diaries at the Texas coast.

"I don't know what to think anymore," Sue Ellen said, burying her face in her hands.

Cliff rose from his seat, gently touching Sue Ellen's back. What she needed now was a friend, someone who would be there for her, while expecting nothing in return. It wasn't the relationship that desired or had in mind when he saw Sue Ellen, but after listening to her talk, he learned something very important: Sue Ellen Ewing still harbored feelings for her husband. The signs were all there: the way she smiled when she recalled the night they spent together, the way a tiny smile crept on her lips when she mentioned his name, and above all, the way she stayed with him over the years, hoping that he would change and realize how much she loved him. Her problem was that she was afraid to love him, and let him love her in return. _Why shouldn't she be worried, _Cliff said to himself, he himself was afraid of J.R. Ewing. He had broken her heart so many times, in so many ways. For him to change his ways, search for redemption, would naturally put up red flags of caution. One misstep and Sue Ellen could find herself destroyed once again.

It was time for Cliff to put his romantic intentions to rest, to grow up and put Sue Ellen's needs first. She was right in saying that it never would have worked out between the two. The odds were against them from the very beginning, he could never make her happy. It wasn't an issue of money or assets, but an issue of love – Sue Ellen was a victim of a neglectful husband, no one could cure her but herself.

"You must love him very much," Cliff noted, rubbing her back.

"Of course I do," Sue Ellen said softly. She turned to look at him, "do you know how much easier my life would be if I didn't love him, if I could just walk away from him and never look back?"

"And Clint?"

"He was a breath of fresh air, an oxygen mask for a drowning woman. But I don't understand him. It's as if he resents me for our relationship never working out. He came here – to Dallas – to win me back, whisk me away to California. He has complicated my life."

"Do you feel anything for him?" Cliff slowly asked, unsure of how Sue Ellen would react.

"Everything is so sudden," Sue Ellen began, standing to go to the kitchen, " I just can't…" A sharp pain hit Sue Ellen's stomach, causing her to crumble to the floor.

"SUE ELLEN!", Cliff screamed, running towards her. "Don't get up."

A tiny tear began to form in Sue Ellen's right eye, "what's happening to me?"

"Are these pains frequent?" Cliff asked gently, holding onto Sue Ellen's hand.

"Yes," Sue Ellen admitted, "I thought they were due to stress."

"I'm taking you to Dallas Memorial Hospital," Cliff said, dialing the phone.

"Cliff, you don't have to do that, I'll be, AGH!" Another pain hit Sue Ellen, prompting her to relinquish her power to Cliff as he hurried to get in touch with the hospital staff.

* * *

"J.R.?" Louella Caraway, J.R.'s current secretary quietly stood outside the door, wondering whether it would be appropriate to interrupt him. J.R. had his door closed the entire day, not taking any calls or appointments from anyone. Louella was concerned about her boss' atypical behavior.

"Yes, Louella?" J.R. said, raising his head long enough to meet the woman before him.

"I was wondering if you needed me to do anything else for you tonight."

"You can go home," J.R. said absentmindedly. For him, it was another wasted day at the office, where nothing was really accomplished. The only time this happened, was when the family was in crisis mode: Jock's heart attack, Ellie's mastectomy, whenever a Ewing was in danger, J.R. couldn't function. Right now his thoughts were only of Sue Ellen – the one woman who was special enough to deserve the title of Mrs. J.R. Ewing, the one woman who convinced him that marriage could be more than just a hindrance. It had been over a week since he had seen her, heard her voice, or touched her body. He needed her right now. At the moment, he was willing to do anything to win her back – promise her anything, give up anything – just to see her once again.

He didn't want to have Sue Ellen followed. He would once again be invading her privacy, betraying her trust – but Lord he had a reason, a good one. He had to know how she was doing, whether she was healthy or happy, or seeing any one in particular. The thought of Sue Ellen having an affair never left J.R.'s mind, she had done it before on several occasions, each time, making him more and more jealous, wanting her more and more. Somehow, it was acceptable for him to engage in as many extramarital excursions as he pleased, but if she stepped out of bounds, then there would be hell to pay. The only reason he was captivated with jealousy was because he adored her. He didn't want any other man in the world to lay a claim to her, she belonged to him.

The drive back to Southfork was lonely. On most nights, J.R. had something to look forward to: family dinners with conversation and food, cocktails, seeing Sue Ellen. He didn't want to face the situation at home. Jock was relentless in wondering where Sue Ellen was, and her reasons for leaving. Jock lived by the old-school rules of men controlling wives, not letting them leave their husbands. J.R. did have his share of allies at the home front, his mother being the first.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that two of the Ewing cars were out of the driveway, meaning an empty house with no complications.

"J.R.," Pam called from the stairwell, I was wondering when you would come home. Bobby and Jock have been trying to call you." Pam climbed down the stairs, clad in a simple pair of sweats, planning on a night alone.

"Where is everyone?" J.R. asked as he took off his Stetson.

"Everyone went out to dinner tonight; they wanted a change of pace."

J.R. nodded, understanding their line of thinking. "Why didn't you go?"

Pam gently smiled, "I wanted the house to myself tonight. I wanted the privacy to think and relax. Southfork can be so crazy at times."

_Don't I know it_ J.R. thought to himself, heading to the kitchen.

"Would you like something to eat?" Pam asked. "Teresa is out for the night, but I can fix something for the two of us."

J.R. paused, in shock that the Barnes Woman would want to have dinner alone with him. He never made his ill feelings for her a secret, and she acted the same way. He hadn't been alone with her in months. "Actually I was going to eat in my room," J.R. said lamely, picking condiments out of the refrigerator.

"Oh." Pam came towards J.R., "did you have a bad day at the office?"

"No," J.R. said curtly, hoping to be rid of his in-law. "It's something else."

"Sue Ellen," Pam said, knowing that J.R. was having a very difficult week without her around. "I'd feel the same way if I lost Bobby."

J.R. glared at his female companion. "I have not lost Sue Ellen yet, and I have no intention of doing so." He slammed the refrigerator door with a bang, leaving Pam behind.

"It's okay to talk to someone," she countered, following him to his bedroom. "It's better than snapping at everyone and being closed off."

"Pamela," J.R. began, "I was hoping to be alone tonight."

"So was I," Pam smirked, "but since you're here and I'm here," Pam stalled, wondering what to say to the man before her, "I'm sorry that you're taking this so badly," she said finally, summing up her thoughts on the situation at hand. "You're not the only one suffering: John Ross misses his mamma very much, it turns out that I am a very poor substitute for the real thing. Miss Ellie misses having another person to talk to during the day, and go shopping with. I bet even Lucy misses her."

"Misery loves company," J.R. admitted bitterly. He turned to eat his sandwich, and Pam took it as a sign that she could come into the room. "How unhappy was she?" J.R. asked, taking a bite of lettuce, realizing that Pam showed no intention of leaving.

Pam sighed, knowing that she was entering delicate territory, but J.R. started the topic first. "She was very lonely." Pam looked up at the ceiling, "even in a house full of people, she was lonely."

J.R. nodded, acknowledging Pam's diagnosis, knowing that her loneliness was his fault. "No wonder she kept so busy with her DOA and her shopping."

"Sue Ellen needed more than just social events, J.R., she needed companionship."

J.R. sighed, "in the beginning Sue Ellen and I were very happy. She would come running to me when I came back from the office, we would steal away for lunches and weekends – she was my everything."

"I think I would have liked to see you and Sue Ellen when you were first married," Pam admitted, finding it hard to believe that Sue Ellen could really be happy with him. "What changed?"

"Sue Ellen didn't change, she is as wonderful and precious as she was fourteen years ago when we first met. I'm the one that's changed, I took her for granted, assumed that she would always be there."

"I suppose it can happen after you've been with someone for a long time." Pam vowed in her heart to never devalue Bobby or her love for him.

"Have you seen her recently, since she left."

"We've talked on the phone," Pam began, not wanting to lie, "but I haven't seen her. This was more than just a vacation from you, it was a vacation from everyone."

J.R. took a sip of his water, "do you think that she would be happier without me?"

Pam remained silent, not wanting to answer the question. This man had caused her so much pain over the years. From the moment she met them, on the snowy day that Bobby brought Pam to Southfork, she knew that Sue Ellen and J.R. were unhappy together. It didn't take a detective to discover that behind closed doors, they were unhappy. Pam wisely chose to say nothing about J.R.'s assumption, as her eyes drifted over to the original wedding photograph of the once happy couple. "You two looked wonderful together," Pam noted, with a touch of regret at having missed a proper wedding ceremony, being married in a simple pair of jeans, which was certainly not the dreams of little girls.

"Sue Ellen would have found someone else eventually. Someone who would worship the very ground that she walks on, thank his lucky stars that she was with him."

Pam looked at J.R., speechless. She had never once seen this side of him, the side that put other people first, selfless in his actions, willing to appreciate what he had, without seeking more.

"I just can't admit that I've lost her forever. That I've blown every single chance that she's given me. There have been so many times when she would just want to talk to me, ask me how my day was, and I would brush her off as if she didn't matter. She loved me from the very beginning, she would have done anything, given up anything, what have I given her?" J.R.'s voice become low, finally realizing the error of his ways.

"J.R.," Pam began, gently touching his shoulder, "I don't think that you've lost her yet. I know that she loves you very much."

"All I'm asking for, is one more chance, one more opportunity, to have her as my wife."


	10. Chapter 10: Complications

"More water, Sue Ellen?" Cliff asked nervously as the two waited in the resting area of Dallas Memorial Hospital.

"Cliff, you have done more than enough for me," Sue Ellen smiled, relieved that he had found her that day, and rescued her – twice.

"How long do you have to wait for a doctor!" Cliff demanded impatiently, glaring at the nurses in the nurses' station.

"Actually, Cliff, you could do something for me."

"Anything."

"Relax. We haven't been waiting that long."

"I thought the Ewing name carried weight in this town," he huffed.

"Why don't you get something to eat for dinner? I'm sure there's a Chinese place around here somewhere," she laughed.

"Is that comment supposed to mean something," Cliff countered, smiling at Sue Ellen's good spirits. The fact that Sue Ellen could keep a smile with everything that was going on around her spoke volumes about her character. She had truly grown over the years: from the woman who relied on the Ewing name, to the woman who was willing to walk away if necessary. Cliff admired her, found a new admiration for her, not as a potential romantic partner, but as a friend.

"Mrs. Ewing?" the nurse called from behind the door, "Dr. Morris can see you now."

"Thank-god," Cliff exclaimed, helping Sue Ellen out of her chair.

"Honestly, Cliff, relax, you're more nervous than I am."

"Have a sit, Mrs. Ewing," the doctor gestured to an orange plastic chair. "I'm Doctor Andrew Morris. I understand that you're regular doctor is Harlan Danvers?"

"That's right, Dr. Morris. I would have gone to him, but I thought it was an emergency."

The elderly doctor smiled, "it always pays to be careful with our health, Mrs. Ewing." The doctor sat down, "tell me about these pains that you've been having."

"They occur near my stomach at varying degrees, lately they've become much harsher. At first I thought it was stress, but it kept coming back, and it shows no sign of going away."

"If you'll step into the other room, Mrs. Ewing, I'd like to perform some routine tests." Sue Ellen looked at Cliff as she walked away.

"Do you want me to call J.R.?" Cliff asked gently.

Sue Ellen paused for a brief moment, "no, Cliff. I'm sure it's nothing."

Sue Ellen returned to Cliff in under an hour. "They have so many tests and examinations to do," she stated.

"Good, that way they'll know what's wrong," Cliff reassured. "Can I get you something to eat?"

"I'm not very hungry, Cliff. I'll just wait here for the doctor to bring the results." Sue Ellen looked at the clock, realizing that it was after ten o'clock at night. "You should go home, Cliff, it's getting very late."

Cliff took her hand, "I'm not leaving until I know that you're okay."

"Mrs. Ewing, they have your results." A nurse led the couple back to the room.

Doctor Morris smiled as he greeted the beautiful Texan, his hand outreached to shake hers. "I have wonderful news, Mrs. Ewing."

"There's nothing wrong with me." Sue Ellen smiled, relieved to know that her health troubles would soon be over.

"On the contrary, Mrs. Ewing, you should be celebrating."

"And why is that, Dr. Morris."

"You're going to have another baby," he beamed.

"My god, Sue Ellen," Cliff gasped, never guessing in a million years that Sue Ellen could once again be pregnant.

"What?" Sue Ellen asked, sitting down in a chair, thinking back in her mind to the last time she had sex, which was on her anniversary weekend with J.R. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, ma'am, you are six weeks along, and the baby is doing fine. The baby was causing the pains in your stomach."

"Pregnant," Sue Ellen whispered, taking Cliff's hands.

"You and Mr. Ewing will be so happy."

"I don't believe it."

"I want you to visit Dr. Danvers regularly for health checkups for you and the baby. As I understand, your last pregnancy was a bit traumatic."

"Those were very different circumstances," Sue Ellen said quietly.

"Is there anything else I can do for you, Mrs. Ewing?"

Sue Ellen looked down at the ground, in shock from the recent events. She was carrying another child, another life. This was happening at the worst possible time. Her life was a complete mess: temporarily separated from her husband, she had not found a solution to their relationship issues yet. A baby would complicate an already sticky situation. Sue Ellen looked at the doctor and primly extended her hand, creating another dazzling smile, "thank-you so much for your assistance, Dr. Morris. I promise to visit Dr. Danvers very soon." Sue Ellen slowly stood up, her mind whirling with questions and concerns. Her heels clicked as they hit the ground, Sue Ellen looking straight ahead, ignoring the onlookers and staff at the hospital.

"Sue Ellen!" Cliff called after her, grabbing her arm. "Wait!"

"Cliff, I'd like to be alone."

"Right now, being alone is the last thing you need," Cliff said gently, guiding her to his car. "I am going to get us both something to eat, and then we'll talk."

"Just as long as it isn't Chinese," Sue Ellen muttered, buckling her seat belt, running her fingers through her hair. _There is no way that I am ready for another child._

The ride home proved to be tortuously slow as neither Sue Ellen nor Cliff spoke. She couldn't speak, her body was numb. The nighttime lights of Dallas swirled together, making the expectant mother sick to her stomach.

Cliff proffered his arm to Sue Ellen as she shakily exited the vehicle, and into the dimly lit house. Sue Ellen sat down on a sofa, her arms and legs trembling.

"You picked a fine time to strike out on your own," Cliff lightly joked as he wrapped a blanket around her shivering body. "I'll be right back."

Cliff wisely chose to pick up something light for Sue Ellen's stomach: chicken noodle soup and crackers.

"Thank-you," Sue Ellen whispered, allowing the warm liquid to enter her body. "What would I have done today without you?"

"Don't think about that, Sue Ellen," Cliff ordered, taking a seat for himself. "I'm sure that anyone else would have done the same thing in my position."

Sue Ellen gently pressed her fingers to her forehead. "I seem to have a knack for getting pregnant at the most inconvenient times."

"At least you know who the father is," Cliff joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"No paternity tests to worry about," Sue Ellen smiled. "No guesses to make."

"And in a few months, you'll feel better than ever."

Sue Ellen lowered her hazel eyes, "what am I going to do?" she whispered, tears forming in her eyes. "There are so many things in my life that I'm confused about, I don't know what I want or where I'm going. How can I…"

"Sue Ellen, it will be okay."

"How can you say that?" Sue Ellen sobbed. "I am going to bring another child into a world of deceit, confusion, and uncertainty. I'm not ready for this responsibility. I still don't know what I want with my life. How can I, in good conscious, bring another child into the world?"

Cliff looked at her, not knowing quite what to say. _Sue Ellen was right when she said she has a knack for bad timing. _Not knowing what else to do, he put his arms around her body. "Sue Ellen, you are freezing!" he exclaimed, feeling her arms and face. "Where's the thermostat?"

"In the back," Sue Ellen replied, chewing on a cracker.

"What you need to do," Cliff began, taking authority, "is figure out where you want your life to go. Do you want to go back to your husband?"

"I miss him," Sue Ellen admitted, feeling guilty that she was keeping this monumental secret from him. "When things were good between us, I was in heaven." Cliff looked at her in disbelief, prompting a laugh from Sue Ellen. "There is a side to him that other people don't see."

"Do you want to go back to him?"

"Right now, I'm still confused, this pregnancy changes everything. If I were to leave him, and he found out about the baby, he would fight me for custody, not to mention custody of John Ross."

"You could fight him, Sue Ellen. Don't be afraid to leave him because you believe that you won't win."

"I don't know if I want to leave him. What I do know, is that I miss him terribly, and that he seemed very sorry for all of his indiscretions, including reading my diaries. I can't hate him," Sue Ellen said finally. "I have tried so many times to hate him, resist him, but it never sticks. He has a power over me, a power that no one else has. And every time I fight it, every time I try to make an escape, he draws me back in."

"You still love him," Cliff said gravely, wishing that it weren't so, yet wanting the best for Sue Ellen, to see her happy.

"I do," she breathed. "I need to tell him that I love him."

"You seem to be forgetting your stalker from this afternoon: Clint."

"I'm still confused about Clint."

"But you know that you love J.R.?"

"Clint… I still can't get over what he said, or the way he said it. This man has loved me for years, and now he decides to tell me, after all of this time. What am I supposed to think?" Sue Ellen's eyes wearily closed, realizing that what she needed right now, was sleep. "Have you ever loved someone and never told them?"

Cliff looked at hands, knowing that he was currently in the very same situation that Clint was in. He sympathized with Clint's plight, admiring him for having the guts to do what so many couldn't. "Yes," Cliff said deliberately, he eyes meeting hers.

Sue Ellen looked at him in awe, "Oh, Cliff."

"You don't have to say anything, Sue Ellen. Any chance I had with you was lost a long time ago." Cliff took her hand, "I let my career, and your husband control me, I made my choice, and now I need to deal with the consequences."

"Cliff," Sue Ellen said quietly, "I never knew that I meant that much to you."

"I didn't realize it either, until it was too late."

"I'm sorry for hurting you, Cliff, for you having to carry this burden for so long."

"Wounds heal, Sue Ellen. Someday, I will get over you, I don't know when or how, but it will happen."

"I know for a fact that you will find someone incredible to spend your life with," Sue Ellen reassured. "You are too good to end up alone."

"You need to see him again, Sue Ellen." "You need to see Clint and you need to talk to him."

"I have so many doubts. I still can't get over the way things ended between us."

"He seemed genuinely sorry for what happened."

"I need J.R. first. Before I go to Clint, I need to see my husband. He deserves that much." Sue Ellen buried her face in her hands, "I can't even think about what he's going through right now."

Cliff scowled at the mention of J.R.'s name. "How can you be so worried about him, after everything he's done to you?"

"Because he is my husband, I made a vow to love and honor him ten years ago, and I haven't been honest with him. I have kept my relationship with Clint hidden; I have kept my feelings for him hidden. He wants another chance."

"Does he deserve it? After every single affair, every lie, every broken promise, does he deserve you?"

"Cliff, one of the biggest mistakes that I could make, is allowing J.R.'s previous actions to destroy my future with him. In the past, I have been so blindsided by hate that I have driven myself to drink, have affairs, and neglect my son. If I keep hating him, I will end up destroying myself, and I can't do that."

"Do you think he loves you?"

"He loved me enough to let me go without a fight. He knew that this was what I needed, and he let me leave, regardless of how he felt. Clint, he put himself first. I can never forgive him for the way he acted towards me. Clint never came back for me after the death of his wife. He had so many opportunities to come to Dallas and find me – there were nights when I needed him – but he never came."

"I've never known J.R. to be the selfless type, Sue Ellen."

Sue Ellen smiled, "No offense, Cliff, but you don't exactly have an impartial view on my husband."

"After everything he's done to me – and to you – can you blame me for not trusting him?"

"Cliff, I know that the past can never be erased, but J.R. has taken great pains to changing his entire attitude towards me. I think he really wants us to be together."

"No one knows J.R. the way you do, Sue Ellen. You've been married to him for so long, you know him better than I ever could."

"I just can't give up on J.R., not without talking to him first."

Cliff nodded his head, understanding where Sue Ellen was coming from. "What you need right now, is to relax, get your body heat back up to normal, and reflect on being a mother."

* * *

J.R. entered his Cadillac Allante, needing desperately to get out of the house. He didn't want to believe that Sue Ellen could be happier with another man, that any other person could take his place in her heart.

The town was unusually quiet as J.R. drove, not caring where he was going. He hated to admit that one person held so much power over him, consumed all of his thoughts, without whom, life would be insignificant. His daddy had taught him how to be a 'man's man', not allowing any other person to control him or his actions. But Sue Ellen was different, the exception to every rule his daddy ever taught him. He needed her – he hated to admit it – but she gave him the drive to go each day. It was her smile, her laugh, her kindness, her beauty, he felt whole when she was with him. Sue Ellen was more than just a trophy wife, or the 'Ewing possession' that he often called her, she was his other half, without whom, he would be empty.

She had to hear it from him; he had to tell her everything that his pride and power taught him to ignore. It was more than just a passing infatuation; it was pure, unadulterated love, worship.

He would give up everything he had to have Sue Ellen come back to Southfork as his wife, to be the first person to see her in the morning and give her a morning kiss. To have run into his arms to greet him after a hard day at the office, and spent evenings together with their son.

J.R. was going to be vulnerable, but at this point he didn't care. If vulnerability and honesty would win Sue Ellen's heart and affections, then he would let down every single wall that he ever created.

Ewing 3 sped down the local streets, one of the many advantages to an unusually small amount of traffic. The silence suited him well, he had time to organize his thoughts and focus on what really mattered.

The local streets were vacant, _everyone out with their loved ones_, J.R. muttered, realizing that he had pushed his 'loved one' away from him. There were however, a pair of people, a man and woman, at the end of the street, standing in front of a cheerily lit house. Driving closer, J.R. realized that the woman looked eerily familiar, someone he had known all of his life. He edged closer, not wanting her to see him, her long dark hair sparkling in the moonlight. J.R. let out a harsh gasp when he saw the mystery woman.

"Cliff, I can't thank-you enough for tonight," Sue Ellen smiled.

"I want you to call me if anything happens," Cliff said.

J.R. fumed at the woman that he called his wife. It wasn't enough that she left him with no explanation, breaking his heart in the process, but she was seeing other men. His suspicions were right; he didn't need a private detective to tell him that his wife was stepping out on him. He looked through the front windshield, desperately seeking the man that was violating his wife, but her body was blocking him. J.R.'s heart stopped beating when he saw that the man was none other than Cliff Barnes. _How could she go back to Cliff Barnes? Of all the men in Texas, Cliff Barnes!_ J.R. angrily drove away, not wanting to see any more.

Sue Ellen watched Cliff drive away as she rubbed her fingers over her stomach. _Another baby_ she mused, realizing that it was too late to do anything but accept it.

J.R. drove home, ignoring the stop signs and traffic as he headed back to Southfork, his mind clouded with anger over Sue Ellen's actions. He was in love with her, in love with a woman who didn't love him back, who sought comfort with other men.

J.R. looked at the list of contacts that Dan Marsh gave him a few days ago, remembering the eager investigator willing to do his bidding. He loved her too much to follow her, to once again invade her privacy behind her back. For years, she had trusted him with all of her heart, not wanting to believe that he would ever cause her pain. How could he underhandedly try to control her? With a few quick motions, he ripped the paper into tiny pieces, deciding to respect Sue Ellen's privacy, no matter how angry he was at her. He opened the car window, and threw the remains out the window, sprinkling the ground like confetti or snow.

"Cliff Barnes!" J.R. shouted, slamming his hands on the steering wheel, "that son-of-a-bitch has done enough to Ewing Oil in one year and now he wants my wife!"

The car sped into the driveway at Southfork, barely missing Bobby's vehicle. J.R. jumped out of the car, swearing under his breath.

"J.R.!" Miss Ellie shouted, running out of the house, "J.R., what happened?"

"Did something happen at the office?" Jock questioned, his forehead crinkling.

"I don't want to talk about it," J.R. grumbled, meeting Pamela on the stairs. "Do you have any idea what that idiot brother of yours has done?" he demanded, his blue eyes glaring into Pam's green ones. He had her cornered on the stairs, refusing to let her pass. "I should have taken care of him years ago!"

"J.R," Bobby scolded, running onto the stairs to protect Pam, "I don't know what happened to you tonight, but you have no right to take it out on Pam. Why don't you go sleep it off and we'll talk in the morning."

J.R. wasn't in the mood for arguing, or for a confrontation. He pushed past Bobby and headed up the stairs.

"Bobby, I'm worried about him," Pam said as she watched J.R. leave.

"Honey, you have nothing to worry about, I won't let J.R. touch Cliff, he's safe."

"It's not Cliff that I'm worried about," she said, pulling Bobby into the kitchen.

"Don't tell me you've begun to worry about J.R.?" Bobby laughed, appalled by Pam's concern.

"Do you know what he's been going through, now that Sue Ellen is gone?"

Bobby sighed, "I know that the temporary separation isn't easy on him, but J.R. is the type of person who usually keeps his feelings to himself. I try not to intervene."

"Maybe someone should, Bobby. He's obliviously upset."

"Talking to him now won't do anyone any good, Pam. He's too upset."

Pam closed her eyes, "I think Cliff is connected to Sue Ellen."

"What!" Bobby exclaimed. "How do you figure that?"

"Well, it can't be business related, Cliff has been working so hard on building his own practice that he hasn't had time to fight the Ewings. And then there's the conversation that I had with J.R. about an hour and a half ago."

"You talked to J.R?"

"Bobby, he is broken over Sue Ellen's departure, he misses her."

"And you think that J.R. knows about Cliff and Sue Ellen?"

"Maybe he hired a detective, or maybe he spotted them together, or maybe he's just taking a shot in the dark, but it is plausible."

"I suppose so, they do have a history together."

"That's not the only reason, Bobby," Pam said slowly, recalling a previous conversation that she had shared with Sue Ellen. She had alluded to another man in her life, while the two were talking a week ago. Pam wondered if Cliff were the mysterious suitor. _Surely Sue Ellen knows better than to get involved with Cliff again, after how poorly their affair turned out last time, what reason could she have to see him again? But then, history does have a way of repeating itself. _

"Pam?" Bobby gently questioned, drawing her out of her thoughts, "what's the other reason?"

"Other reason?" Pam asked, not wanting to expose her conversation with Bobby right away, not until she talked to Sue Ellen first. Pam believed in being completely honest with Bobby, but if told Bobby about the conversation that she had with Sue Ellen, that would destroy the new-found relationship. Plus, Pam wasn't entirely certain of the affair, and if she said the wrong thing there were would be a great deal of trouble for both families. And the last thing Pam wanted was to add fuel to the Barnes-Ewing feud.

"Why do think that Cliff and Sue Ellen are having an affair?"

"Women's intuition," Pam said lamely, not wanting to go any further.

"Should I talk to him?"

"Not now, Bobby. It's getting late, and he's too upset to listen."

"I can bring it up at the office tomorrow," Bobby said confidently, hoping to temporarily put the issue to rest.

J.R. paced the room, his anger slowly subsiding. _It's true, the Ewings are cursed with bad tempers._ J.R. picked up the wedding day photograph, _Sue Ellen looks just as lovely ten years ago as she does now. She has aged beautifully. _J.R. put the picture, in the bedside drawer, the contents too painful to look at. _Does Cliff Barnes make her happy? Would she be better off with him then with me? _J.R. recalled the discussion he had with Pam earlier that night, her never answering his question about whether Sue Ellen would be happier with someone else.

He loved her too much to see her miserable, and too much to live life without her. It was an ugly situation: he could try to keep here, do right by her and be happy, while she remained a prisoner, or he could let her go, sacrificing his own joy for hers. _Damn, there is no perfect answer_ he muttered in this thoughts, throwing the covers over his body.


	11. Chapter 11: Love in its Purest Sense

_"J.R. Ewing, where are you taking me?" Sue Ellen cradled the phone to her ear as she rested on the bed in the sorority house. One of the perks about finishing her stint as Miss Texas was that she could go back to a normal college life: living with people her own age. Sue Ellen had pledged with a sorority as a freshman and was finally getting the opportunity to live with her fellow sisters in the beautiful white house on campus. The thought of living alone still intimidated her, after all of this time, she was twenty two years old, in her senior year of college, and had never lived alone before. _

_"Sue Ellen, Honey, if I told you it wouldn't be a surprise," J.R. teased. He drew a great amount of pleasure from keeping the lovely Miss Shepard on her toes. He truly believed that she was the best thing that ever happened to him, and she was going to know it. "I'll be there to pick you up at 5, Darlin'."_

_"What am I to wear?" she asked, not wanting to feel out of place._

_"You can wear whatever you want, because we'll be alone." _

_Sue Ellen hung up the phone and darted over to the closet. Things were going so well with J.R. His family loved her, and she was now a welcome visitor at Southfork. She was beginning to feel more relaxed there, J.R. had bought her a horse all of her own, and she was becoming an excellent rider._

_The one thorn in her side was her mother, who always told her that she could do better than J.R. Ewing. The woman nearly had a stroke when her daughter calmly told her that she was officially breaking off her relationship with Billy Frampton. All of the diamonds in the world couldn't change Sue Ellen's mind about plain old Billy. J.R. was exciting, romantic, he truly loved her, and she loved him back. "Mrs. J.R. Ewing," she sighed, hoping to someday earn the coveted title. They had been dating for over two years, and he had not seemed eager to talk __about marriage. Sue Ellen was well aware of how desirable he was to the millions of other women in Dallas. Sue Ellen carefully followed her mother's golden rules in finding a rich husband, being the perfect lady, always seeking to please him. As far as she was concerned, she was doing a good job, J.R. showed an extreme amount of interest in her, and she believed that it would only be a short time before a delicate diamond solitaire would be placed on her left ring finger, telling the world that she would be his for life._

_After careful consideration, Sue Ellen chose an elegant sparkling silver spaghetti-strapped dress with matching shoes. Her hair was down, shaping the frame of her face. _

_"Hello, Darlin'," J.R. said as he took her hand in his. "You look lovely."_

_"J.R.," Sue Ellen blushed, planting a kiss on his mouth, "I have waited all day to see you."_

_"I think tonight will be worth the wait," J.R. smiled as the two drove in his car._

_"J.R., we're at Donohue's, where we had our first date." Sue Ellen sighed, remembering how very nervous she was about eating with J.R. Ewing._

_The couple entered the deserted restaurant. "Did you buy out the restaurant, J.R.?" Sue Ellen asked quietly._

_"I want tonight to be about us. There is no one in the world that I would rather be with." _

_Sue Ellen smiled as J.R. promptly ordered a bottle of champagne. Her suspicions about tonight being special were going to pay off._

_"Are you alright, Sue Ellen?" J.R. asked, noting that Sue Ellen didn't touch her main course._

_"I'm fine, I suppose I'm just preoccupied with graduating in a few weeks."_

_"Are you excited?"_

_"Yes and no, I'm still not sure if I'm going back to live with mamma and Kristin. And then, I'm wondering about finding a job in the fall."_

_"Did I ever tell you that you worry too much, Darlin'?" He gently kissed her hand, "you are going to have a wonderful life after college."_

_"Is that so?" Sue Ellen teased, "Tell me Mr. Ewing, besides being a successful oilman, are you a seer on the side?" she laughed._

_J.R. smiled, "I do know that I love you very much, and that there is no one else that I would rather spend my life with."_

_"J.R…"_

_J.R. gently got down on bended knee, and pulled a tiny grey velvet box from his pocket. "Sue Ellen Shepard, will you marry me?"_

_"Yes!"_

Sue Ellen awoke from her dream, refreshed and ready for a new day. The engagement dream had been a recurring one over the two weeks. Things were so different then. Sue Ellen was much younger, hopeful, and trusting. Being married to J.R. for ten years changed her.

Sue Ellen wanted to go back to the beginning, where she first met J.R. and fell in love, when life wasn't complicated with wheeling and dealing, or illicit affairs that were made public. She wanted her husband back.

* * *

"J.R., did you look at these contracts?" Bobby asked, holding out a file of papers for J.R. to see.

"Of course I looked at them, Bobby. What do you think I've been doing all week?"

Bobby sighed, realizing that now was as good a time as any to try to talk to J.R. about last night. "J.R., it's okay to be distracted with your work right now. You have a lot going on."

"Bobby," J.R., snapped, "I have always given 100 to this company, our daddy's company, and my personal life is none of your business."

"Fair enough, J.R., but when you start attacking Pam the way you did last night, I just won't stand for it."

J.R. paused, "Maybe I was unfair to Pam last night and I'm sorry."

"You were very unfair to Pam last night, and I know for a fact that no matter how much you dislike having her at the ranch, something provoked you last night." Bobby placed the papers back in the file. "I'm just trying to be a good brother."

"You want to be a good brother, leave me alone and let me work."

Bobby let out a laugh. "Now this is why I was always closer to Gary then you, he was easier to talk to."

"Gary was weak, he had no backbone."

"Insulting Gary isn't going to make your problems with Sue Ellen go away."

"Now see here, Bobby," J.R. stood up, towering over his brother, "Sue Ellen is coming back to Southfork and everything is going to be just fine."

"J.R.?" Louella, J.R.'s handy secretary came into the room, "here's a copy of the _Dallas Daily News_, look who made the cover."

"Give me that," J.R. said, taking the paper from Louella as she headed back to her desk. "Damn!" J.R. cursed as he threw the paper on the desk. "What is that idiot doing on the cover!"

Bobby peered at the paper, glaring at Cliff's smiling face. Cliff may be Pam's brother, but he had caused more than enough trouble for the Ewing family, and Bobby was tired of the way that it was hurting Pam, who only wanted peace in the home.

"J.R., what exactly did Cliff do to make you so angry at Pam?" Bobby asked.

"None of your business."

"Does it have to deal with Ewing Oil?"

"What did I say?"

Bobby stood over J.R.'s desk, "I am a full member of Ewing Oil and I have every right to know what goes on around here, including who we're fighting."

"It's personal, Bob," J.R. said finally.

"Personal?" Bobby asked, bewildered. "You and Cliff don't exactly run in the same social circles."

"Bob – he's gone after Sue Ellen."

"What?" Bobby asked, stunned to know that Pam's prediction proved true. "Are you sure?"

"I saw them last night."

"You were following her?"

"I wasn't trying to," J.R. said defensively. "I had a long day at the office, and everyone was out for dinner, so I went for a drive, and I saw the two at the house she was staying at."

"But you didn't see anything?"

"Are you dumb, Bobby? This is the very same man that Sue Ellen once had an affair with."

"Do you have that little faith in Sue Ellen, J.R? After all of these years, do you think that she would cheat on you again?"

"Nothing stopped her before."

"I think you're jumping to conclusions, but I do see why you'd be concerned. If I saw Pam with an ex-lover, I'd be pretty unhappy myself."

"Now that you know what happened, can you let me work?"

"What are you going to do with Sue Ellen when she comes back?"

"I don't know, Bob. Lock her up and throw away the key?" he said bitterly.

"You love her too much for that, J.R. You wouldn't be so worried about her if you didn't love her."

J.R. glared at his younger brother, wishing that he would realize that he was not executive material and belonged on the road promoting the company. "I care about what she is doing to this family, to mamma and daddy!"

"Sure, J.R.," Bobby said as he left the office. "When you see her, don't be afraid to tell her that you love her."

"Mind your own business, Bob," J.R. muttered under his breath.

* * *

"J.R., I'm so sorry for everything that I've put you through these past few months. I know that I can be a nightmare at times, but so are you." Sue Ellen paused, looking at herself in the mirror. "Ugh, I'm doing this all wrong. Insulting J.R. won't make him see that I love him." Sue Ellen turned around, admiring her long flowery red dress from the side; it was wide enough to hide the pregnancy. "J.R., I have wonderful news. You remember how you've been saying that John Ross should have a brother or sister, well guess what, you're wish is gonna come true." Sue Ellen fluffed her hair. "J.R., I'm pregnant." Sue Ellen stomped her foot, "Why is this so hard!"

* * *

"Sue Ellen, I know I haven't always been the proper husband to you, and I am truly sorry for everything I've done, and I know that nothing can erase the pain that I've caused you, but if you let me, I'll love you for the rest of my life." J.R. walked out of the empty Ewing Oil building and into his Cadillac Allante. "Sue Ellen, what the hell are you doin' with that idiot Barnes?" He slammed the car door, adjusting his mirrors. "Sue Ellen, I love you with all my heart and soul, you're the other half of me that I desperately need." J.R. frowned, "Why can't I tell her that?"

* * *

Sue Ellen carefully opened the jewelry box on the nightstand. The silver bracelet J.R. gave her for their silver anniversary was on top. Sue Ellen had not worn the adornment since the weekend away at the coast, leaving it to collect dust in her box with her other prized items. She wanted to wear it tonight to let J.R. know that she had not forgotten him while she was gone, and that she loved him very much. Sue Ellen lifted the clasp, ready to place it on her arm, when she noticed an inscription inside the bracelet.

_To my beautiful wife, without whom, I would be incomplete_.

Sue Ellen gasped when she read the sweet words, reaffirmed in her decision to go back to her husband, who had truly changed. Sue Ellen walked out the door, leaving her bags at the house in case tonight didn't go as planned.

Sue Ellen fired up Ewing 2, "It's now or never," she said as she drove to find her husband.

* * *

Tonight was another quiet night at Southfork, which was unusual given the number of people at the ranch tonight.

"How is your new house going, Ray?" Miss Ellie asked the ranch hand. The Ewings often thought of Ray as more of a family member then a hired hand; he had been working for Jock on the ranch when he was a teenager, and he never left. Ray loved working the ranch, and Jock loved having him around. With J.R. and Bobby tied up with the company, and Jock becoming too old, the ranch needed a strong person to guide it and make it fruitful. Jock had recently given Ray his own section of Southfork land, and now Ray wanted to build a house of his own.

"It's going might fine, Ma'am," Ray said, proud of his work.

"That's real good to hear, Ray," Bobby said. Bobby had a very special connection with Ray, he became a brother when Gary left the ranch, and the two used to love hitting the town together before he married Pam. On some nights, Bobby could even be persuaded by Ray to out drinking all night.

"Are you gonna have us over for dinner when you're done, Ray?" Lucy asked. Like Bobby, Lucy developed a special connection with Ray Krebs. He was the one person that Lucy felt she could come to when she felt out of place in the family. The two had formed a special bond over the years that could never be broken.

"Planning on it, Lucy," Ray grinned.

The only one missing at the table that night besides Sue Ellen was J.R. He chose to eat alone in his room, all of the happiness downstairs making him sick to his stomach. Looking over the balcony, he saw a familiar car pulling into the driveway. "Sue Ellen!" J.R. stammered, running down the stairs.

"Where's the fire, J.R.?" Jock asked, but he got no answer.

Lucy stood up to look out the window. "Sue Ellen's come back!" she exclaimed, her long blonde hair whipping across her face as she urged the family to come to the window and see the absent Mrs. Ewing

Sue Ellen Ewing got out of the car, and stood face to face with her husband. _Maybe I should have called him first,_ she thought silently, knowing that one look from him could turn her to mush.

"Darlin'," J.R. said hesitantly, eying the bracelet on Sue Ellen's left arm.

"Hello, J.R.," Sue Ellen whispered, noting his unhappy and depressed attitude.

Neither one said anything, both too nervous to speak. They each sized the other up. _Damn she looks stunning_, J.R. said as the moonlight danced on her brown hair.

* * *

"They're not saying anything!" Lucy cried, struggling to read lips from her view at the window.

"Lucy Anne Ewing, sit down in your chair and stop spying on J.R. and Sue Ellen," Miss Ellie scolded, hiding a smile – unable to hide her own curiosity at the situation outside - , hoping that Sue Ellen would stay for good.

* * *

Sue Ellen twiddled her thumbs, losing her nerve at the sight of the intimidating man before her. _I knew I should have prepared a speech before coming, _Sue Ellen regretted silently, looking into J.R.'s big blue eyes.

J.R. couldn't stand the silence for another moment. "How have you been, Sugar," he said gently, remembering the stomach pain that she had suffered before.

Sue Ellen smiled, _how sweet of him to ask. _"I'm fine, J.R, and yourself."

"I've been better," he said flatly. He saw no point in hiding the truth from her, still holding resentment towards her for leaving and being with Barnes. "Is this a visit, or are you coming home?" he finally asked.

Sue Ellen took a step back, stunned by J.R.'s audacity. _He never was one to beat around the bush_. "J.R., I came here to talk to you," she said, beginning to lose her nerve.

J.R. sensed her anxiety, knowing that at the moment, the power between the two was up for grabs. "Alright."

"Shall we go inside?" Sue Ellen asked, attempting to prolong the subject.

"It's a lovely night, Sue Ellen, let's talk out here, and say what we have to say." His anger was beginning to get the better of him; he wasn't prepared for her to come tonight, to have all of his old feelings rushed before him.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen began nervously, "some things have happened since I left." She debated whether to open with the pregnancy, or tell him that she wanted to work on the marriage first.

"I know," J.R. said gruffly, "you've been mighty busy, Darlin'."

Sue Ellen flinched, his common term of affection for her was steeped in sarcasm now, reminding her of the old days when the two constantly fought. "What do you mean by that J.R.?" she demanded, refusing to back down.

J.R. came toward her, prompting her to take a few steps back. "You haven't been alone the entire time, have you, Sue Ellen?" Sue Ellen opened her mouth to protest, but J.R. wouldn't let her speak. "No, you've been seeking company with others." He forcefully grabbed her by the arms, turning her around so that her back was towards the house.

* * *

"He looks mad," Lucy noted, silently enjoying the soap opera playing before her.

"Try and contain your happiness, Lucy," Bobby interjected, "this is your uncle that you are talking about."

"I know," Lucy laughed her eyes shining.

* * *

"What the hell do you mean, J.R.!" Sue Ellen snapped, taken aback by his tone as she fingered the sore, red area on her arms where J.R. had exerted his influence.

"Cliff Barnes, Sue Ellen!" J.R. shouted. "My god, I thought that you two were over, apparently you're just beginning!"

Sue Ellen's eyes opened wide, her left arm coming up as she slapped J.R. across the face. "How dare you accuse me of having an affair!"

* * *

Bobby, Jock, and Ray flinched at the loud smack that hit J.R.'s cheek.

"I think I heard the name Cliff Barnes," Lucy said, stunned. "Has she been staying with him for the past two weeks?"

"She most certainly has not," Pam said defensively, standing up next to Lucy, no longer willing to be just a casual watcher. As of this moment, the Ewing family was involved in the battle between J.R. and Sue Ellen.

"Really, Pam?" Bobby asked, joining the women at the window. "Do you know where she's been staying?"

* * *

J.R. took Sue Ellen by the arms, "Don't you ever slap me again, you hear me! You are my wife!"

Sue Ellen flinched at the pain from the pressure, _Is he going to hurt _me, she wondered silently, knowing that her husband had certain buttons that were not to be pushed. At that moment she didn't care, sending an intense glare at her husband. _You won't get the better of me J.R. Ewing!_ "After all of the affairs that you've had, you have some nerve to go off on me because of something that never happened."

"Never happened! I have proof," J.R. shouted.

"Proof of what, J.R.!" Sue Ellen stepped forward, causing him to take a few steps back.

* * *

"Does it really matter now what I know or don't know?" Pam asked, as ten eyes looked at her for an answer.

"Yes!" Bobby and Lucy cried together.

"Pammy, Honey, this is my brother's marriage that we are talking about. You can't hide information from the family."

"You are a Ewing," Lucy seconded. "I can't believe you knew all this time."

"How do you know that Cliff isn't involved?" Ray asked.

* * *

J.R. and Sue Ellen had had some infamous quarrels over their ten year marriage, their marriage never reaching a stable state. They were two passionate people, both reluctant to back down from a challenge, neither one willing to admit that mistakes were made.

"You bastard!" Sue Ellen cried, struggling to fight her emotions.

"Tramp!" J.R. countered. J.R. stepped backward, still holding onto Sue Ellen's arms, now creating a harsh fingerprint. Sue Ellen struggled to release herself from his hurtful grasp, but he won out.

J.R.'s eyes turned a stormy, blue color. _How is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? _His left foot tripped over one of John Ross's pool toys.

"AH," J.R. screamed, feeling his balance slipping as the twosome fell into the icy Southfork pool.

"J.R," Sue Ellen cried as her body was pulled into the water with J.R.'s.

* * *

"Good Lord!" Miss Ellie exclaimed seeing the spectacle from the safety of the ranch. Now every person in the house was watching the couple in the water, spellbound.

"Sue Ellen!" J.R. shouted, rising out of the water, searching for his cowboy hat that had fallen of his head.

"AAHH," Sue Ellen exclaimed resurfacing from the opposite end of the pool, her red dress clinging to her body.

J.R. caught sight of his wife, drenched from head to toe and fuming. A loud laugh came out of J.R.'s mouth. _If she could see herself now_.

"J.R., look what you've done!" she shrieked, ready to cry at any moment. She angrily brushed her long, auburn mane out her eyes, enraged by her husband's aggressive behavior. What upset her most was that he found everything so amusing.

J.R. swam towards his wife, laughing uncontrollably at the situation.

"What is so funny," Sue Ellen demanded.

"Darlin'," J.R. said coming towards her, tripping once again, going under the water.

"J.R.!" Sue Ellen called out, a smile crossing her lips at the sight of her husband getting another dunking. "J.R., are you alright… NO!"

With one quick motion, J.R. pulled Sue Ellen underwater with him. The two resurfaced together, both laughing at one another.

Sue Ellen reached for J.R.'s Stetson as it floated her way. She carefully picked it up, making sure that the hat contained water as she placed it on J.R.'s head. "Here you go, Darling," she laughed.

J.R. let out a yelp from the cascade of cool water. Sue Ellen struggled to swim away from J.R. and get towards the steps at the shallow end of the pool, but J.R. was quicker as he pulled her into his arms.

"I'll get you for that, Honey," J.R. guffawed as he lowered Sue Ellen's body into the pool. J.R. gently pulled her body out of the water and was greeted with water that Sue Ellen spewed in his direction.

J.R. held Sue Ellen's body against his with one arm around her waist and the other on her back. "Sue Ellen," J.R. said deeply, taking in the features that he hadn't seen in weeks, realizing that he was falling in love with her all over again. _Oh, how I love you. _He looked deep into her hazel eyes and gave her a passionate kiss.

* * *

"They're kissing!" Lucy cried out in disbelief.

Miss Ellie smiled at her eldest son, while Jock and Bobby laughed.

* * *

Time stopped for Sue Ellen as she tried to react to J.R.'s impromptu action. Her head told her to stop but her instincts within her betrayed her needing of him. A soft moan came from Sue Ellen's throat as she ran her fingers through J.R.'s soaked hair, not caring about the freezing water from the pool or how the scene appeared to the residents of Southfork. Her eyes were closed, as she rallied J.R.'s passion with her own, the weeks of being apart increasing her desire for him.

J.R. held onto her, and for that brief moment, she was his. J.R. gently pulled his mouth away from hers as Sue Ellen met her husband's loving gaze. "Let's go inside, Sugar," J.R. finally said, picking her up in his arms and carrying her out of the pool.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen whispered in his ear as the two went up the stairs, ignoring the stares of the onlookers in the dining room.

"I think that everything will be put back together," Miss Ellie said finally, the first to speak.

"I sure hope you're right, Miss Ellie," Jock nodded.

J.R. gently placed Sue Ellen on the bed, his fingers touching her wet cheek. It took all of his energy and willpower to keep from kissing her again. Two weeks was a very long time to be apart from the woman you loved. Sue Ellen had never looked more lovely to J.R. than she did at that moment. Her eyes met his as he slowly rose, fetching her a towel to dry off with.

Sue Ellen rested her head on the bed. She had wanted him to continue the kiss that they started – she craved, needed his touch. But she was too afraid to initiate the intimacy, unsure of what J.R. would think.

J.R. looked out the balcony of the bedroom and let out a gentle laugh.

"Now what is so funny?" Sue Ellen asked, wanting in on the joke.

J.R. turned to his wife, "We've been married for ten years, and you have never ever gone into the pool with your clothes on."

"No I haven't," Sue Ellen admitted. "But you have," Sue Ellen laughed, recalling a few scuffles between Bobby and J.R. that had gotten out of hand, resulting in one or both of them falling into the Southfork water.

"Yes I have," J.R. admitted, "but this time was my favorite."

"Oh," Sue Ellen asked coyly, wringing out her long hair, the water from the pool making her auburn hair glisten. She said nothing else, dying to know what her husband was thinking.

J.R. handed Sue Ellen a bathrobe, their fingers touching in the process. "Here you go, Darlin'."

"Thank-you," Sue Ellen smiled, her eyes locked on J.R.'s stature. She wanted him in the strongest way, hungry from their contact in the pool, tempted to just take him in her arms and not look back. "This wasn't exactly how I pictured this evening," she said, trying to break the tension that she was feeling.

"Oh," J.R. laughed, "you weren't planning on going for a swim?"

"J.R.!" Sue Ellen chided, throwing a pillow at him while trying to hide her smile. "Do you know what would have happened if someone had seen us?"

"I think someone did," J.R. smiled, referring to the curious Ewings downstairs.

Sue Ellen blushed a peachy red, hoping that no one – especially Jock and Miss Ellie – had seen her outside.

J.R. noticed Sue Ellen's uneasiness, and slowly came towards her. "I wouldn't worry about anyone seeing anything, Sugar. It will all be forgotten by tomorrow". He flashed her a warm smile, and she responded in kind. He gently took Sue Ellen's arm in his, the color from the grasp still apparent. "Sue Ellen, I – I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know," Sue Ellen nodded, placing her fingers on top of his.

"Are you in pain?" he asked gently, compassion filling his voice.

"I'll be fine," Sue Ellen assured.

J.R. gently kissed Sue Ellen's wound, once again regretting his enormous temper. "I swear, I don't know what came over me."

"J.R.," Sue Ellen said gently, "you may not have been the most attentive or faithful husband, but I know that you would never cause me physical harm."

J.R. smiled at her little jab towards his behavior. If she gave him one more chance, he would wipe away every bad memory he had ever created. His eyes fell onto the silver trinket he had given her on their anniversary. "You wore the bracelet that I got you tonight."

"I thought it went well with the ensemble," Sue Ellen replied, suddenly nervous by J.R.'s presence.

"Is that the only reason?" J.R. asked quietly, knowing that she was hiding something from him.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen said nervously, "there are some things that I meant to say to you while we were outside.

"Um-hum," J.R. nodded, entranced by her beauty. "I had a few words for you myself." J.R. slowly moved his hand to her shoulder, "But right now all I can think about is that kiss that we shared." J.R. leaned into Sue Ellen, but met only air when she pulled away from him.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen said quietly, backing away towards the door, "now is not the time or place to…."

"Stay the night," J.R. finished, pulling her body towards his. Sue Ellen shook her head in fear, not wanting to let a night of passion clog her mind or feelings. She wanted him and hated him at the same time, the two conflicting thoughts thundering through her mind. If she slept with J.R., there would be no turning back. He would win. She couldn't give into him just yet, there was so much that needed to be said and accounted for.

J.R. sensed her tone, gently relaxing his arms on her body, sending a message that he would not cause her harm, or force her to do anything against her will. "Stay the night," he whispered, more of a request then an order.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen stammered, tears began to form in her eyes, she was losing her resolve. "No, no please, please let me go." Sue Ellen raised a hand to bat J.R. away, but a pain hit her stomach. "Ah."

"Honey," J.R. came towards her, grabbing her shoulders as he guided her to the bed. "I am not letting you go anywhere tonight, not when you're in pain."

Sue Ellen half-smiled at J.R., he was so compassionate and considerate to her. "Why, J.R. Ewing, I never knew you cared that much about me."

J.R. caressed Sue Ellen's cheek with his left hand. "I have always cared about you, Honey. I just – I never showed it the way I should have, and I'm sorry."

Sue Ellen touched J.R.'s hand. "We've both made mistakes in this marriage."

"My biggest one was never telling you that I loved you."

Sue Ellen blinked her eyes, trying to fight the tears. J.R. was saying everything she wanted to hear. "Why didn't you tell me this," she sobbed.

J.R. wrapped his free arm around Sue Ellen's waist. "I took you for granted, Sue Ellen. I always assumed that you would be here. I never thought that I could lose you."

"J.R." Sue Ellen rested her head on his chest. "Do you know how long I've waited for this?"

"Ten years." J.R. gently lifted Sue Ellen's chin with his thumb and forefinger, slowly leaning in for a kiss.

Sue Ellen broke away from J.R.'s touch. She desperately wanted them, but they needed to talk. "J.R. we need to talk."

"In the morning," J.R. urged, placing feather kisses on her neck. "Right now, all I want to focus on is you."

"J.R.," Sue Ellen said weakly, "I can't – I…"

"I love you." Any reservations Sue Ellen had were hushed by J.R.'s gentle touch as the two made love for the first time since the incident with the diaries.

* * *

Mornings were always spectacular at Southfork, especially when you had someone to share them with. The sunlight from the window's gently stirred Sue Ellen awake, her body wrapped in J.R.'s. J.R. lovingly gazed at her resting form, getting very little sleep last night.

"Mornin', Darlin'," J.R. said, giving her a gentle good morning kiss on the mouth. He carefully tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Mornin'," Sue Ellen sighed, sitting up in the bed. "Were you watching me sleep?"

"Guilty," J.R. threw up his hands in admittance. "You were just too gorgeous, Sugar."

"J.R," Sue Ellen blushed, lowering her eyes to escape his amorous stare. Fear encased her body, she had given in to him last night, made herself vulnerable, and now she didn't know what was going to happen. Was she going to leave again?

"Sue Ellen, about last night…"

"J.R.," Sue Ellen interrupted, "please let me speak first."

"Sue Ellen," J.R. protested, "I shouldn't have said what I said outside there. I…"

"Let me, explain, J.R," Sue Ellen said, kissing J.R.'s cheek, which he took to resemble forgiveness, or at least a sign that she did not hate him.

"Sure, Darlin'," J.R. said, pulling her up against his body.

"I suppose you found out where I was staying."

"It was by accident," J.R. said, "I was driving around at night, and I saw you – with Barnes."

"You had me followed?" she asked disappointedly, hoping that J.R. wouldn't have stooped to such means.

"You won't believe how close I came to doing it, Darlin'. I wanted to know that you were safe, but in the end… I couldn't go through with it."

Sue Ellen smiled, caressing her husband's cheek. "You've changed, J.R. The old J.R. would have stopped at nothing to bring me back to Southfork."

"I suppose I have changed," J.R. chuckled. "The night that I found you – I was so upset I decided to go for a little drive, and when I saw you and Cliff together…"

"Would it have bothered you if I had another affair with him?"

J.R. looked down at his wife, "I'd be devastated."

"That's exactly, how I felt all those years that you spent with those women. You will be happy to know that I am not having an affair with Cliff. I ran into him that afternoon, all we did was talk."

"Really?" J.R. smiled, relieved.

"I was rather lonely those few weeks away from you J.R. I had never lived alone before, and the experience was both exhilarating and frightening at the same time."

"Did you learn anything?"

Sue Ellen smiled, "I found strength that I never knew I had. It felt so wonderful to know that I could survive on my own."

A small frown crossed J.R.'s mouth; he was very happy with Sue Ellen's newfound strength, but there was still the possibility of her leaving him yet again.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen said softly, her fingers touching the nape of his neck, "I missed you very much."

J.R. nodded. "How much more time do you need, Sue Ellen?"

Sue Ellen rested her head on the pillow, her hands covering her face. "J.R., you really hurt me last night. How could you think that I would cheat on you?"

J.R. turned Sue Ellen over so that she was resting on his stomach. "Darlin', I can't apologize enough for what happened last night. I saw you two together, and my temper got the better of me," J.R. stroked her shoulder length hair, "I honestly couldn't blame you if you did decide to be with other men, after the way I've treated you all these years," J.R.'s voice began to crack, "I don't deserve you."

A tiny tear fell down J.R.'s cheek. Sue Ellen gasped, stunned at his show of emotion, a rare occurrence for the man who was so stoically calculating. "J.R.," Sue Ellen soothed, "I love you very much." Sue Ellen's eyes began to well up. He was just as afraid and unsure as she was. "I could never cheat on you. The fact that you thought that I could…" The tears began to fall down her cheeks, streaking her otherwise flawless face.

J.R. could have kicked himself for assuming that Sue Ellen would choose the same ruthless route that he had for all of those years. He gently kissed her forehead, maintaining his composure, "I never should have doubted your love for me, Honey. In all of the years we've known each other, you've always been by my side. Whether I was right or wrong, you never once abandoned me when I needed you. You have given me so much, and I have given you nothing in return. All I want is one more chance with you, Honey. One chance to correct the mistakes I made. We could be so happy together. You, me and John Ross."

Sue Ellen rested her head on J.R.'s chest, tears falling onto his body. _If only it were that simple._ "J.R., there's more to it than that."

"What is it, Darlin'?" J.R. gently asked, cradling her in his arms, tilting her chin up so that he could see her, tenderly wiping at stray tears.

Sue Ellen couldn't speak, her tears falling harder.

"Sweetheart," J.R. sat up, holding her against his body, "you can tell me anything."

Sue Ellen's tears continued as J.R. slowly ran his finger through her hair, vowing that if he were to have one more chance with Sue Ellen, he would make it his last, erasing all of the bad memories and tears away.

"Sue Ellen?"

Sue Ellen looked into her husband's eyes, "Someone came back into my life recently, someone that I've been keeping from you."

J.R. said nothing, praying for the strength to be there for Sue Ellen.

"I'm so sorry, J.R. I never should have let it go on as long as I have."

J.R.'s mind was flooded with questions, wondering who the man that made a claim to Sue Ellen's heart was and how far along he had gotten. He chose to say nothing, snuggling Sue Ellen to his body.

"It started months ago… I wasn't going to let it go that far." Sue Ellen dried her eyes with a tissue. "It was all so innocent, he was my college boyfriend, back in town after all of these years. I started a friendship with him."

A look of concern crossed J.R.'s face, wondering how far the friendship had gone.

"What's wrong, Honey?"

Sue Ellen sighed, "I feel so guilty for hiding the friendship from you for so long; all this time, I was seeing another man while you were trying to make things right between us." Sue Ellen got off the bed, putting on a bathrobe as she brushed her hair.

J.R. got up and wrapped his arms around Sue Ellen's waist. "I don't want you feelin' guilty over a secret friendship."

"It was more than a friendship for him, J.R. He's in love with me."

J.R. turned Sue Ellen so that she faced him. "How do you feel about him?" His eyes poring into hers.

"I don't love him, J.R.," she said confidently, placing her arms around his neck. "You are the love of my life. It took time apart for that to really sink in."

"I wish you never had to leave."

"I'm glad I did, I needed to be away from you, J.R., to see how I felt. Everything was so confusing; I've never had two men love me at the same time."

"You don't know how happy you've made me, Sweetheart." J.R. let out a happy sigh, "The three of us will have a wonderful life together."

Sue Ellen presented J.R. with a wide smile, "That, my darling, is where you are wrong. The four of us will have a wonderful life together."

"Four?" J.R. questioned, Sue Ellen nodding her head, "Sue Ellen, you're pregnant?"

"That explains the stomach pains," she laughed.

J.R. lifted Sue Ellen off the floor, twirling her around the room, kissing her fiercely on the lips. "Another baby!"

Sue Ellen laughed as J.R. placed her on the ground. "I'm so relieved to know that you're taking the news so well, J.R."

"How could I possibly be unhappy? I have my wife, I have my son, and another child on the way." J.R. looked into Sue Ellen's wide eyes, "I don't think I could ask for anything else."

"Mmm, me neither," Sue Ellen murmured.

"Sue Ellen," J.R. said, kissing her temple, "why did you wear that particular bracelet last night?"

Sue Ellen smiled shyly at her husband, "It was given to me by someone very special."

"Oh," J.R. said, trying to contain his laughter.

"He wrote the most beautiful inscription on the bracelet," she said, kissing his mouth.

"I was wondering when you were going to comment on that," J.R. laughed.

"Did you mean it?" Sue Ellen asked, becoming more serious.

"Yes I did." J.R. kissed Sue Ellen's fingers, "I felt like a part of me was missing."

"I felt the same way," she sighed. "This is the longest amount of time that we've been apart."

"I don't ever want to lose you again."

"You won't."

"I'll have some of the ranch hands get your things from the house."

"I'm not coming back right away, J.R.," Sue Ellen said simply.

J.R. frowned, "Sugar, I thought we talked about everything."

Sue Ellen held her ground with her husband. "We did, J.R., but before I come back here, I want to break the truth to Clint."

"Clint Ogden? He's the friend that came back into your life?"

Sue Ellen nodded her head, "Fortunately, he'll be heading back to California to concentrate on his computer company."

"That poor boy has a computer company?" J.R. laughed.

Sue Ellen glared at her husband, "Unlike some people, J.R., Clint has earned every penny that he has made. Not everyone is lucky enough to be born with a good name."

J.R. smiled, apologizing for his unkind remark. "Be gentle, Darlin'. You're not an easy person to lose."

"I'll let me down slowly," Sue Ellen laughed walking to the closet.

"When you have to leave?" J.R. asked, placing his arms around her hips.

"As soon as you let me leave this room," she said spinning around.

"Well," J.R. smirked, "you might not be leaving for another couple hours, Honey." J.R. dipped her into a deep embrace.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen exhaled, flushed, "I never knew you to be so… passionate."

J.R. laughed, "This is all part of the new and improved, J.R. Ewing."

"I could get used to this." Sue Ellen ran her fingers up J.R.'s neck as J.R. lowered her body to the floor."

"Things will be different, Sue Ellen. I promise."

"We've both made so many mistakes in the past," Sue Ellen murmured as J.R. untied her bathrobe, slowly taking in her unadulterated form, kissing each area. Sue Ellen closed her eyes, a soft sigh escaping from her lips. "Don't stop."

"The past is behind us. We're getting a fresh start, a second chance at happiness." J.R. took her face in his hands. "We're getting a new addition to the family and I promise to be the best husband and father in world."

"Oh, J.R.," the brunette said as she slowly arose from the floor. "I love you."

"And I you," J.R. answered, helping her to her feet.

Sue Ellen grinned as she headed towards the shower. "At the rate we're going, I'll never be able to end my relationship with Clint."

"Well I certainly don't want to keep you from that," J.R. laughed. "Look at it this way: the sooner you end things with your ex-boyfriend, the sooner you can move back to Southfork," J.R. said kissing her nose, "and we can pick up where we left off."

"Well when you put it like that, I suppose I'd better shower and get dressed."

J.R. touched Sue Ellen's bare shoulders, "Would you like some company?"

"Why not?" Sue Ellen laughed, pulling J.R. towards her, "We have a lot of catching up to do."

"We have the rest of our lives together," J.R. assured her as the two closed the shower door.

* * *

Sue Ellen surveyed the surroundings of Liz Craig's home. Most of her possessions were packed away, ready to be taken back to Southfork. Sue Ellen straightened a cushion on the sofa, blushing as she recalled her morning of passion with her husband. They had promised each other an entire lifetime together, and know that they both knew what it was like to apart, they would never do it again.

A gentle knock at the door brought Sue Ellen back to Earth, and to the task at hand. _Lord give me strength,_ she silently prayed, anticipating Clint's arrival.

"Hello," she said warmly, taking the moment to memorize his profile, a face that she would never see again.

"I never thought that you would bring me to your special hideout," Clint commented as Sue Ellen took his coat.

"I hope you don't mind, but I made us lunch," Sue Ellen said, gesturing for Clint to take a seat.

"You were always a wonderful hostess."

"I made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, for old time's sake," Sue Ellen laughed, recalling the stolen minutes that the two shared on campus, picnicking in the grass, forgetting responsibilities.

"As I recall, you made an excellent sandwich." Clint took a healthy bite, relishing the woman in front of him. Clint was convinced that today was the day that Sue Ellen would announce that she was leaving her husband and coming to California with him.

Sue Ellen sat on the sofa; her legs elegantly crossed one over the other, maintaining her image of the perfect lady. "Clint, I called you here for a special reason."

Clint smiled, knowing that his moment had arrived, his years of wondering and hoping were finally coming to a head.

Sue Ellen took Clint's hand in hers as she replayed the words in her mind. _It's never easy to break a person's heart_, Sue Ellen thought as she gazed at Clint's happy expression, knowing that he was unprepared for the news he was about to receive. "I have enjoyed our time together these past few months. I do not know where I would be right now if it were not for you. You have kept me strong during some very difficult times in my life, and I can never repay you for what you've done."

"Your happiness means a great deal to me, Sue Ellen," Clint assured, squeezing her hand.

"I don't hold our last argument against you; I know that I caught you off guard." Sue Ellen took a sip of lemonade, searching for the right words to use. "You were my first love, Clint. Meeting you my freshman year of college was one of the best things that ever happened to me. We connected on so many levels; everyone thought we were the perfect couple: the star athlete and the head cheerleader. At one point, I even believed that we were going to get married."

Clint searched her tone for answers, wondering about where she was leading him.

"Clint… I am not the same person that I was in college. The feelings that I once had for you are no longer there."

"Sue Ellen…" Clint interrupted, a panicked line circling his forehead.

"Please let me finish, Clint. I will always love you, you have enriched my life in so many ways, but I'm not in love with you anymore."

"Maybe if you gave it time," Clint said quickly, searching for a way to keep her with him.

"Clint, it wouldn't be fair for either one of us if I went to California with you."

"Sue Ellen, I would give up the company, my soul just to keep you."

"Is that what you want, Clint? To be with someone who could never love you in the way that you love them? Clint, you deserve to be with someone who can be as committed to you as you are to her. You shouldn't settle for someone who will never truly love you in the way that you want them to."

"Does _he _have anything to do with this?" Clint asked darkly.

"J.R. hasn't influenced me in any way; I came to this conclusion on my own."

"Let me, guess," Clint said bitterly, "you're going back to your husband, back to your precious Southfork, back to your precious money."

"Clint, please don't be angry."

"Don't be angry, the woman that I love is going back to a man who has inflicted emotional cruelty on her time and time again. He treats you like an ornament. Is that what you want for the next fifty years!"

"J.R. loves me, he always has. He just hasn't always shown it."

"You just keep telling yourself that on those dark and lonely nights when he's with another woman. He loves you for now, Sue Ellen. He loves you when it's convenient for him, what's going to happen in five or six months when he grows tired of you and moves onto someone else?"

"He loved me enough to let me go, Clint! I can't say the same for you!"

"He doesn't want you, Sue Ellen. In the end, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain and sadness. Are you willing to do that to yourself and John Ross?"

Sue Ellen stood up defensively, "Listen to yourself, Clint. You tell me that you have never lost your feelings for me, yet you didn't fight for me when you had the chance when we were in college."

"You broke up with me; you broke up with me for J.R."

"All of those years that we spent apart, you could have found me, and told me how you felt. But you got married, to a wealthy woman who could finance your latest venture. Even after she died, you never bothered to find me. I was trapped in a loveless marriage while you were out making a nice little profit for yourself. Then, after all of these years, you come and find me, no warning, no contact, and you drop a bombshell on me, expecting me to swoon and fall into your arms as if the last sixteen years never happened."

"Sue Ellen…"

"You selfish son of a bitch, you wouldn't know real love if it was standing in front of you. You want to know what real love is. My husband was so desperate to win my affections that he stopped at nothing to prove himself to me, granted not all of his methods are appropriate, but he cares. He is a man of action; he does not let time fly by. When I needed to leave home, he let me. He didn't fight me, or call me selfish, or berate me for my decision, he let me go, so that I could find myself, and be happy."

Clint struggled to interject, but Sue Ellen refused. "You know what you are, Clint Ogden? You are a coward, afraid to act on your actions. You left me for dead, not caring how I was faring with J.R. You pretended to befriend me when in the fact the only thing in your mind was stealing me away with you California, away from my life here. You never cared how I was feeling. You do not care about my happiness, you only care about yourself."

Clint stood up, his face red with rage and embarrassment. "You just remember that I won't be there to pick up the pieces the next time he breaks your heart!" he shouted, slamming the door behind him.

"I think I'll live," Sue Ellen smiled.


	12. Chapter 12: Epilogue

Laughter and cheers were heard at Southfork the night that Sue Ellen returned home. The family gathered in the dining room, drinks in hand.

"What a beautiful evening," Miss Ellie smiled, sitting on the sofa next to Jock. Sue Ellen and J.R. were cozy in one of the large burgundy armchairs, stealing secret kisses and private moments. Lucy was seated on the piano bench, carefully thumbing her small glass of diluted vodka. The only two members missing were Bobby and Pam, who were on their way.

"What time did Pam and Bobby say they were coming?" Lucy asked excitedly. "They said they had big news."

"Patience, Lucy," Jock said. "They'll be here."

"I'm sure they wouldn't miss Sue Ellen's homecoming," J.R. smiled, placing a kiss on Sue Ellen's neck.

"J.R.," Sue Ellen laughed, J.R.'s breath tickling her neck.

"This is more than just Sue Ellen's return to Southfork," Miss Ellie said. "This family is finally coming together."

"Truer words were never spoken," Jock agreed, taking a sip of his soda water. Miss Ellie kept a very watchful eye over what Jock drank during cocktails, the memory of his heart attack a few years ago still fresh in her mind. The last thing Miss Ellie wanted was to lose her husband.

"I hope everyone waited for us," Bobby said, leading Pam by the arm.

"We waited, Bobby," Miss Ellie assured.

"We have wonderful news, Miss Ellie," Pam said, beaming from ear to ear.

"J.R. and I have news of our own," Sue Ellen smiled, barely containing her excitement over the pending events. Her nightmarish goodbye to Clint was finally out of her mind. Sue Ellen was ready to get on with her life and begin a new adventure.

"Well someone better say something!" Lucy cried, exasperated. "The excitement is tearing me apart!"

The family laughed at Lucy's dramatics; she had not lost her role as family drama queen.

"Before we hear any good news," J.R. began, snuggling up to Sue Ellen, "I would like to propose a toast to a certain someone who has finally come back where she belongs." J.R. smiled raising a glass.

"I would like to second that," Pam smiled, as Bobby handed her a glass of wine.

J.R. looked adoringly at his wife, "Sue Ellen, I've been so blessed to have you in my life these past ten years, I could never imagine spending my life with anyone else, or loving anyone else, and now that you've come back, I'll never let you go again." J.R. planted a sweet kiss on Sue Ellen's mouth.

"To J.R. and Sue Ellen!" Jock declared as the Ewings raised a glass to the occupied couple.

"If you two could cut that out long enough, someone else has something to say," Bobby joked. Sue Ellen blushed a scarlet red, part from embarrassment, and part from the intensity of J.R.'s welcoming mouth. Still unaccustomed to J.R.'s public displays of affection, Sue Ellen felt a rush of excitement each time he touched her, a welcome feeling from the loneliness of the past few years. J.R. laughed as he squeezed her shoulders, letting her know that the night was not over for them.

"I would like to say something first, Bobby," Miss Ellie interjected, taking center stage. "It's been a very long time since this family has all come together like this." Miss Ellie silently reflected on J.R. and Sue Ellen's previous problems and Pam's depression. "It was my daddy's wish that this house be filled with joy and happiness, and now it has finally come true. This family has finally come together, making the Ewing name better than ever. We have three generations all living under one roof, which is no small accomplishment. After all of this time, the Ewings have finally come together as one whole instead of eight parts."

"You better make that nine, Mamma," J.R. interrupted, unable to keep the secret any longer.

"Oh, J.R.," Miss Ellie clapped her hands in happiness.

"Sue Ellen and I are having another baby."

Sue Ellen smiled her classic beautiful smile, happy that she would be able to have another child, something that she had never considered after having John Ross. Sue Ellen loved how excited Miss Ellie and especially Jock were getting over the news, remembering looks of disappointment when they wrote her off as being unable to have children.

"That's wonderful," Pam cried, truly happy for her in-laws, her old feelings of resentment long gone.

"I'll have to set up another nursery," Miss Ellie smiled, already thinking of the proper décor.

"I had no idea that you two were trying, J.R.," Bobby commented, astounded by the news. He knew that J.R. and Sue Ellen had never been very close in the past, and he assumed that they would not be having any more children after John Ross.

"This one crept up on us," Sue Ellen admitted bashfully.

"Another grandson," Jock beamed.

"Or granddaughter," Lucy countered.

"Just as long as the child is healthy," Sue Ellen concluded, gently rubbing her stomach.

"Pam, didn't you say you had good news," Lucy asked.

"Bobby and I have wonderful news," Pam said.

"Don't tell me you're pregnant too?" J.R. joked.

"Close, J.R.," Bobby said.

"We're adopting," Pam finished proudly.

"Adopting," Miss Ellie exclaimed, "congratulations."

"How did you get on the list?" Sue Ellen asked.

"Bobby has friends on the board at the adoption agency; they've put our file on the priority list."

"We should be getting a little boy or girl within the year," Bobby said.

"Two more grandkids," Lucy muttered, "that's a whole lot more Ewing."

"And I wouldn't have it any other way, Lucy," Miss Ellie said, overcome with joy.

The Ewing party continued far into the night, as Miss Ellie had noted, it had been a very long time since the entire family was happy together. Miss Ellie looked at the picture of her daddy, Aaron Southworth, which hung on the wall. _He would have loved to see the family right now_, Miss Ellie said silently, as she watched Jock and Lucy playing chess on the table, Pam and Bobby talking excitedly about the new baby, and J.R. and Sue Ellen in their own private world, oblivious to anyone else. _They deserve to be happy together; I always knew they were meant for one another_ Miss Ellie nodded, glad that her suspicions were correct. She never really doubted Sue Ellen's devotion to J.R., she had always been there for him when he needed her. It was J.R. that made her wonder, especially during her pregnancy. Ellie was thrilled to see that her son was finally ready to step up and be a good husband for Sue Ellen, who never stopped loving him.

"What are you thinking about, Miss Ellie?" Jock asked, hugging his wife.

"I was thinking, that I must be the luckiest woman in the world to be a member of this family," she sighed, closing her eyes. "We must have done something right Jock, look at everything that we have."

"We've got a good family, Miss Ellie," Jock agreed. "Two more grandkids."

J.R. pecked Sue Ellen's neck. "Why don't you and I head on upstairs, and have a little party of our own?"

"J.R.," Sue Ellen whispered, turning her head towards her husband, "don't you think you're family will mind."

J.R. smiled, "I have to take special care of you now, Honey. I don't want you tiring yourself out in your condition."

Sue Ellen had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. "Come to think of it, I am getting rather sleepy."

J.R. frowned, thinking Sue Ellen was serious.

Sue Ellen turned to her husband, laughing at his confused expression. "Don't worry, J.R., I have enough energy left for you."

"Well then let's not waste any time." J.R. and Sue Ellen politely excused themselves from the family gathering, anxious to be with one another.

"J.R.?" Sue Ellen asked, pulling on her cream-colored nightgown.

"Hmm," J.R. called from the bathroom as he came out to greet her.

"Would you be terribly disappointed if our child were a girl?"

J.R. took her hand and pulled her into their bed, a look of concern crossing his face. "What makes you ask that, Darlin'?"

"Well," Sue Ellen began nervously, "I know much you value the Ewing legacy, you want someone to follow in your daddy's footsteps."

J.R. sighed. Years of mental cruelty and punishment towards Sue Ellen for not producing a Ewing heir had taken a toll on the beautiful bride. "Sue Ellen – I am so sorry for putting so much pressure on you about having a child. I never realized how much it was hurting you, how badly you wanted us to have a baby."

Sue Ellen leaned her body against J.R.'s, inhaling the scent of his cologne. "I felt the same pain you did, J.R. I began to wonder if we were ever going to have a child. And when Pam came to Southfork and got pregnant right away… I almost lost all hope of having a child with you."

"There relationship was very different from ours."

"I wanted what Pam had so badly, that was why it took so long for me to accept her. The jealousy in me was raging inside of me. I kept asking myself why I couldn't have the happiness that she did, I started thinking I was unworthy."

J.R. raised his hand, caressing Sue Ellen's cheek. "Sue Ellen, you are the most wonderful woman in all of Texas, I don't know why you didn't think you were worthy of love. I was a fool to neglect you the way I did, and I will never hurt you again. You are the love of my life, and the only person I want to be with."

Sue Ellen smiled, "And if the child is a girl?"

J.R. tickled Sue Ellen's stomach, prompting her to giggle. "If that baby is a girl," J.R. began, turning Sue Ellen onto his stomach, "then she will be the most loved daughter in Braddock County."

Sue Ellen smiled as she kissed her husband's mouth, turning back to her side of the bed. "Promise me that we'll be together forever," she whispered into his ear as she nuzzled his neck.

"There is no power in the entire universe strong enough to keep us apart from each other. We've gone to hell and back together, all that's left is to be happy."

Sue Ellen hungrily kissed her husband's mouth, "Do you really believe that it's that simple?"

J.R. smiled, "I believe that I love you more than anything else in the world, and nothing can take your place in my heart. Any problems that we may have, we'll go through them together."

"I'm glad to hear you say that, because I want to be a part of every area of your life, J.R. No more secrets."

"No more secrets," he vowed, lowering his head to Sue Ellen's stomach.

"What are you doing?" Sue Ellen laughed, massaging her husband's head.

J.R. looked up at his wife. "I was saying hello to the baby, Sue Ellen." She gave him a puzzled look. "There is so much that I missed out on when you were carrying John Ross – I never felt the baby kick, or went to your doctor appointments with you – and I don't want to make that mistake again."

Sue Ellen smiled at J.R., squeezing his hand. "Don't dwell on the past, J.R. We'll make wonderful new memories with this pregnancy."

J.R. kissed Sue Ellen's stomach. "I want to be there for every step of the way."

"To think that it took us ten years to make this marriage work. If I hadn't of loved you as much as I did, I think I would have given up."

J.R. kissed Sue Ellen's nose. "I couldn't blame you if you had, Sugar. It took me ten years to realize what a wonderful wife I had. I promise to never take you for granted again."

"I love you," Sue Ellen purred as she snuggled up to her husband, breathing on his neck.

"I love you too, Darlin'."

With those final words, J.R. turned off the light and fell asleep with his Yellow Rose of Texas in his arms, knowing that after ten years, he was finally going to give her the happily ever after she had been longing for.

_See the continuation of this story with Family Legacy._


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